1st Question! Sexuality vs. Sex

Dear Suzy,

• I was wondering what you meant (in part 4 of your "Best Meal" series) by sexuality having a place in the relationship- were you meaning sex before marriage?

  
  

  Confused,

  Mr. Collins in Rosings Park

  
  

  Dear Mr. Collins,

  
  

  What a great question! I am so glad you asked me to clarify, because I would hate to have been misunderstood. In the context of that blog in particular, I mentioned sexuality as a way of differentiating "friendly touch" from "romantic touch". The difference between Physicality and Sexuality is the difference between my touching my friend Kristen's arm to let her know I'm there for her, and my touching the same place on my boyfriend's arm just to let him know I enjoy his touch and his presence in my life. I guarantee that in this blog you will never see me condoning or encouraging extramarital sex, and I welcome all of my readers to hold me accountable if they ever see something that could be construed that way. 

  
  

  Now that hopefully that misunderstanding is a bit better clarified, though, I'd like to comment for a moment on why I think we've come to a place where such distinctions (between sexuality and sex) need to be made. In our western culture, our media is riddled with sex- this is not a profound statement. But what's amazing is, for all the jumping in and out of bed with each other that we watch our protagonists do, there is actually very little healthy sexuality in the context of a relationship being portrayed. What I mean is, in a show or movie, you may have a flirtation for a very, very, very long time- but once the barrier of relationship is finally crossed, and the couple you've been watching all this time finally kiss, or even hold hands, it's only a matter of minutes, scenes, or at most episodes before you see the couple getting into bed together, actually having sex, or waking up next to each other.

  
  

   The only exception to this in any of the shows I can think of are the couples who are so young they would be taboo to root for (and even that age is getting lower and lower) and, occasionally, in paranormal shows where the vampire/werewolf/whatever boyfriend is too tempted to kill or too traditional because he's old. Even then, in the case of a popular show Vampire Diaries, it was within the first season that the tension became too much for the main characters and they were sleeping together, 100 year age difference notwithstanding. 

  
  

  My point (and yes, I have one) is that sexuality is most easily defined as everything but sex. The act itself, while extremely enjoyable, is not actually that sexy most of the time- that is a big part of why the networks and movies cut just before the actual act starts- it's hard to make it not look awkward and a little gross... Sexuality is every little touch between a couple that makes tingles go up their arm, and causes them to understand the term "butterflies in my stomach". The various stages of hand holding; the arm-touches; ladies, when you walk up behind your boyfriend and hook your hand in the crook of his elbow, causing him to stand more confidently no matter who he's talking to; the little kisses on the face, the back of the hand; the arm around your shoulders- your waist; dancing with each other and feeling his breath tickle your ear as he sings off-key along with the music because he trusts you; letting him spin you too much, too fast because you know he'll catch you at the end of the song  and hold you until the room stops spinning; that extra hand-squeeze before you walk into an intimidating situation; her head resting in that nook between your shoulder and your chest while you watch a movie.... I could go on and on, but all these things are either physicality or sexuality within a relationship, these are those "seasonings" I referred to in my previous post. You'll notice, I didn't even mention actual kissing, necking or making out- even couples who choose to save kissing until the wedding day can have some form of healthy "sexual" expression with their partners. This is also my response to those who ask "well how can you know if you have a good chemistry or if you're 'well matched' for each other if you've never kissed/had sex before you get married?" Chemistry can be gauged from any of the things I listed above (and I'm sure you can think of other examples) and as far as being "well matched" goes- communication within a relationship where the couple is already well-matched in non-physical matters is the only thing you need to ensure that who you choose to marry will be a perfect match for you sexually. If you communicate in pre-marital talks and counseling about your expectations in that area, there won't be too many big surprises. If you communicate after you marry about what you like and dislike in that context, you will learn to be each other's perfect partner. And if you communicate when problems arise, you will be able to work through them together and become a stronger couple for it- this right here is a type of communication that rarely even occurs with extramarital sexual circumstances, because so often such problems are thought to be that "deal breaker" issue that they were waiting to arise all along.

  
  

  I even venture to say that many marriages in which one or both individuals feel that the "spark" has gone out of their relationship have actually more lost their sexuality, their romance. Since they have access to sex more readily than non-married persons, they start skipping the commercials, they eliminate the anticipation, romance, tingles and excitement about each other because they can... This is really fodder for its own post, though.

  
  

  Anyway, this post is long enough- if you have any questions for me about this post or anything else going on in your life, family, work, food preparation, book selection or whatever, please click the "email us" link on the right-hand side of this page, or open your own window and write to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com. Thanks!

Best Meal Of Your Life (Part 5): Dessert & ?????

Just a reminder that this is the last part of a 5 part serial, and if you're interested in understanding the whole picture, I encourage you to scroll down and start at part 1. I'd also like to repeat my plea for y'all to click the "email us" link on the right-hand side of this page and send me any questions you have about... well, anything! Those emails will prompt the bulk of the future content on this blog. But enough about that, who's ready for some Dessert?!

Dessert

(Shameless bragging: I made this!)

So let's do a brief review of this metaphor comparing a healthy dating relationship to a fine dining, 5 course meal: We've discussed the Appetizer; a small, first taste of the savory, heartier elements of a relationship- a time when our appetites are whetted for the rest of the meal. Next came the Salad course; crisp, light, refreshing, uncomplicated- the part of the relationship when we enjoy each other and have fun. Right in the middle I introduced the Intermezzo; a very small dose of bittersweet sourness to cleanse the palate- the point in a relationship when we encounter potential issues and decide whether to continue on or leave the table. After that came the Entree, or main course; hearty, filling, multifaceted- here is when all the elements of the previous courses meet each other in one place, and some combination of the routine and the flavorful hopefully create satisfaction. This all brings us to many people's favorite course, the Dessert. 

When a couple reaches the "end" of the entree, they are yet again faced with the choice to find themselves full and unwilling to move forward, or to order dessert and commit to the full experience of the meal. Dessert only comes to couples who decide to commit- it's the wedding cake. Ideally, a person only orders dessert once. You can take the metaphor wherever you please from here, to say that you've "committed to the restaurant" or whatever. My preference is to say that when you order dessert, you are saying that you want (literally and metaphorically) to have all the rest of your meals for the rest of your life with this person. I know I'm not really digging too deeply into the mechanics of the dessert course, and this may have to do with the fact that it's the only course I have yet to taste- I will do my best (but only briefly) to outline what I DO know.

Dessert is fun. It's sweet. It's exciting, because if you've gotten through 4 courses and you still have room for it, that's purely because you wanted it!  It's what we celebrate with and mark special occasions with because Dessert is inherently special! It's actually pretty rare, if you think about it- most meals do NOT end in Dessert- mostly just the really special ones, and the ones you approach intending to end them that way. 

NOW for the moment you've ALL been waiting for, I'll reveal my super-secret-mind-blowing metaphorical concept that will tie this whole series up so nicely and perfectly, you will likely find yourself saying "nicely done!" to noone in particular, or at the very least raising your eyebrows and twitching your mouth towards a brief smile as you read to yourself, much as you do before you type "lol" to people. I'm going to let you  guess what it is: What is the ONE thing that is a part of EVERY COURSE of EVERY MEAL you EVER EAT in your life? What is the one thing without which, you would have a hard time getting past the BREAD in the middle of your table muchless through 5 courses? Think about it.....

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Beverages.

I know, I know, you're thinking "ooooh, that makes perfect sense.... but Suzy, that didn't exactly blow my mind...." just a little more patience and I promise it'll be worth it:

Up until this point a person could easily read this metaphor and all my previous posts and wonder to themselves why I would limit my metaphor from the get-go to only a description of a healthy Christian dating relationship. THIS- this is why. 

The beverages are God.

I know- BOOM. :P

You might make it through the bread, the entree, even the salad without a sip of water- it might not even bother you (too much) though I would argue you'll have a less enjoyable experience overall. But just you try to make it through a whole meal without something to drink- nothing before, nothing after. It's not impossible, but it's a pretty crappy experience. And now take into account that I'm talking about the Best Meal of Your Life! If you really want to have the penultimate dining experience, there will be water on the table the moment you sit down, the first thing you're asked for is a drink order, you might have a soda or a beer with your calamari appetizer, water or soda with your salad and intermezzo, a nice wine with your entree, and champagne to celebrate your dessert. So it should be with your relationship- you should have God as a part of it before you even begin. Prayer is what will sustain you- If you have something to eat but nothing to drink, you will die much, much sooner than if you have water but no food. So it is with God. If you are focused on God and keeping prayer as a constant part of your emotional "diet", you will survive with few or even no other relationships for a time. This is a great moment for me to back up my metaphor with some of the original material from the greatest parable-teller of all time:

"Jesus answered, 'Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'

The woman said to him, 'Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.'" ~John 4:13-15 (The Bible, NIV translation).

I'll let you mull this over now, I welcome your feedback (positive and negative) in the comments or by email. Thank you for reading, please share this blog if you like what you're getting!

Best Meal Of Your Life (Part 4): Entree

Link to Part 1

Link to Part 2

Link to Part 3

It has been suggested by one of my readers that I remind y'all at the beginnings of new posts in a series that it will all make better sense if you read the parts of this series in chronological order. I encourage you to do just that, so that you have a better grasp of the bigger picture. We are now on Part 4 of this 5-part blog serial, so you have only to scroll down to see parts 1 through 3.

Entree:

So to review, we've now made it through the Appetizer, the Salad, and the Intermezzo, and now we've reached the real "meat and potatoes" of the relationship (see what I did there?). An Entree is  commonly mistaken as just the "meat" part of the "main" course. But actually, an Entree is a fully composed dish, usually containing a protein element, a starch of some kind, a vegetable and often some sauce or flavoring element. This course makes up the bulk of a healthy dating relationship. This is all the time after the initial 3 courses during which you and your partner will revisit the same benefits of the appetizer and salad, but more muddled together and in a larger portion. 

You will start incorporating "healthy" vegetable elements that aren't necessarily your favorite part of the dish, and you would be even less inclined to eat them on your own, but they make the course better as a whole- these are those moments like when one person gets sick, and it's not good per se, but it's kind of it's own special sweet moment, because they don't have to be sick and also alone, and their partner gets to tend to them and feel responsible and supportive and helpful. These are also those sad life moments that aren't nearly so bad because you have someone there to sit through them with you. 

The "starch", like mashed potatoes or grits, of a relationship are all those sort of mundane, quiet, "normal" moments- sitting on the couch watching tv together or texting each other at work, giving each other rides to and from the auto-shop, things like that. These things are a big part of a relationship, and to some people they can actually be their favorite part, while others consider them just a necessary filler. 

The Meat of a relationship is what it sounds like, you continue getting to know each other, building trust, understanding one another's more subtle, special nuances. Essential, enjoyable, sometimes really heavy. 

I'll touch on the sauce and the seasonings if only because I love how even the tiniest details of this metaphor really fit quite nicely on both sides of it. The sauces, salad dressings, garnishes and seasonings of a relationship (for the purposes of MY metaphor anyway) are the physical stuff. Each course has some seasoning or garnish or sauce, but when it's done right it's exactly enough, which is often much less than people might originally think. If you think about a meal, there tends to be more dressing on the salad than sauce on the appetizer, and more sauces, garnishes and seasonings on the entree than on the salad. BUT as many great chefs have said, "more tossing, less dressing- that makes all the difference!". You can't make a whole meal out of sauce- it should be the extra special added bonus that really makes a dish sing- but a dish would also be pretty bland and boring without it! I know that I have some Christian friends who refrain from almost any physical contact at all in their relationships. I understand their reasoning, and respect their self control, but I do believe that ultimately physicality, even sexuality are vitally important to the balance of a healthy relationship, and touch does have it's place. I'm not going to use this opportunity to impose my specific personal preferences about the physical progression of a romantic relationship, but what I hope you take away from this is to start with a veeeery little and add just a bit at a time, because when you have just the right amount of seasoning, it'll be the best meal of your life, but if you add too much, it becomes unpalatable, and you're not likely to finish.

Only one part left to this series, and it's probably going to be the best of all of them! I'll be addressing everyone's favorite course of all, (Dessert) and I'll finally reveal my AMAZING super-duper-top-secret final element that is absolutely essential to every meal, every relationship (romantic or otherwise). I know I'm excited, so I hope you'll come back for more. 

*** A side note to my married readers, and those who have made it "to the entrees"- I would love any feedback y'all might have about this series; do you agree? disagree? have any minor alterations you would add or even entire courses? I'm curious if my concept has held true for those who have actually successfully reached the end of the meal... So thanks in advance!

Link to Part 5

Best Meal Of Your Life (Part 3): Intermezzo

Link to Part 1

Link to Part 2

The Intermezzo

For those of you readers who may not have worked at a 4 star restaurant, or eaten at one on a regular basis, I will first explain what an intermezzo is. In foodie language, it is a very small serving of a strong, cleansing element, acting as a palate cleanser between courses of a meal to allow the eater to better appreciate the flavors of each course, unadulterated. It is often a frozen granita or sorbet that is not very sweet, in a strong, bittersweet or sour flavor to sort of wash the mouth of the previous course without lingering itself. Common flavors are grapefruit, kiwi & sour orange, mint, even lemon & wasabi!

 "That's a nice fancy food lesson, Suzy, but what does any of this have to do with a relationship?" Thank you for asking, imaginary reader- I'll tell you: The intermezzo is as often forgotten in a relationship as it is in a meal. As a course, it is not necessarily even pleasant and certainly can't stand alone as really anything outside it's intended purpose- no matter how good it might be, I've never seen anyone order 3 large scoops of lemon wasabi sorbet by itself or even for dessert. It is bittersweet, and sour, a little harsh and vitally important to the consumer's enjoyment of their following courses. In a relationship, the intermezzo is that first taste of something... potentially unpleasant. It's when, after getting to know each other and spending some time together, you finally stumble upon something about your increasingly more significant other that might just be a problem. Sometimes this comes in the form of the "first fight", other times it's just when you've reached a point where you trust each other enough to be honest about your uglier side. It may even be that you've just finally gotten comfortable enough to show something that you weren't intentionally hiding, but wasn't evident in the beginning. Every person has something about themselves that will present at least a "yellow flag" to their boyfriend or girlfriend at some point. It is really best, if at all possible, that you wait to find the intermezzo in your relationship before moving on to the entrees. If you find all the "issues" with a person right off the bat, it is rare that you would get past the salad anyway, and if you did you're likely to find another batch of issues once you get there.

This may sound awfully negative, but again, in it's proper place, with proper timing, in a proper portion, the Intermezzo contributes all kinds of positive things to the meal as a whole. We are all bound to find small issues with the people we have relationships with, and when we reach these intermezzo moments, we need to take it in, let it sit in our mouths for a bit, and decide if we want to continue to the next course. Often, this is a moment when we realize we've had our fill- it was fun, but really, we're not ready for anything heavier. Or perhaps the intermezzo is more bitter or more sour than we'd prefer, and we find that we can't swallow it. It's OK! This is why we have these moments in relationships! We have to have rough patches and challenges to find out if we really want to move past them. And the best part is, when and if we do move on to the next stage, our relationship is better for it. We are accepting one another with eyes wide open for what we are, sour tastes and bitterness and all. If you are in a relationship and you've made it through the salads, and are starting to get pretty close, take a step back and look at your partner- if you are being honest with yourself and your eyes are open in your relationship, you should be able to name those bittersweet intermezzo moments or attributes that you acknowledge and accept, and if your relationship is moving forward, you'll be able to say that you're happy in spite of them, and even perhaps because of them.

One last important attribute of the Intermezzo that I don't want to leave un-addressed; it is a very small serving. If I were to serve a soup-bowl full of grapefruit sorbet in the middle of the meal, it would absolutely kill the appetite of my guest- even if he finished it, he would have no inclination to move on to the rest of his meal. In the same way, the intermezzo stage of a relationship shouldn't take as much time or emotional energy as any one of the other courses. If your problems, issues, red, yellow, and orange flags have become as much a part of your relationship as your spiritual connections, positive emotional connections, and time spent enjoying each other, you need to reassess your approach. Either you are being overly-critical or analytical of your partner, or they are not right for you. Your issues should not equal or outweigh whatever positive effect the relationship is having on your life.

Link to Part 4

Best Meal Of Your Life (Part 2): Soup or Salad

Link to Part 1

Now, for the purposes of this metaphor, I've chosen to only compare this stage of a relationship to the Salad option for a second course. I do this purely for simplicity's sake, because I could make the exact same comparisons with slightly different adjective choices, and ultimately be unnecessarily redundant for the sake of beating a nice metaphor into the ground just to be more literally accurate, but it really doesn't appeal to me. So if anyone just likes soup better, they can give their imaginations a much needed stretch, or request my alternative adjectives in the comments and I will oblige. Onward!

Salad

The salad course is VITAL to a perfect meal. Whether it's a medley of seasonal fruits with a light, citrus and yogurt vinaigrette, arugula and spinach greens with dried cranberries, walnuts, a robust, crumbly cheese and a sweet dressing, or cold, crisp romaines with garlic croutons and a creamy Parmesan dressing... (uhh, whew, sorry, got myself a little hungry there- I'll just get myself something to eat so I can remember the point I was making)... Ahh, right- salad- anyway, regardless of what kind it is, every salad has essential characteristics which only that course can contribute to a meal. When you think of a great salad, it invokes words like light, simple, crisp, fresh, not-too-heavy, flavorful, tangy, zippy, refreshing, and guilt-free. 
These words should apply to the second stage of a budding, quality relationship. Salad is the actual going on dates part of dating- and it is vitally important and grossly underrated (perhaps I'm enjoying the italics button too much, but the emphasis is sincere!). If you can't actually spend a whole afternoon with each other without being deep and heavy, and enjoy each other, you'll eventually burn out on the relationship like when you eat way too much rich food and have no desire to order dessert. The salad has the perfect timing in the meal, between the first tastes of hearty goodness and the heavier, meat-and-potatoes focal point. If you go straight from eating buffalo wings to plowing into your steak, you're going to fill up and quit before you finish your meal. Backing off my brilliant metaphor for a moment, this stage in the relationship really will contribute to its success or eventual breakdown. Whether it's early in your time together, or much later on down the line, there will come a point when all the heavy dramas that brought you together and kept you together, or even just the intense, deep emotions that you had from the very beginning start to subside, and you look up at each other and wonder "was that all we had? Can we be anything without drama and intensity?" So often the answer to this question is no. That is (in my humble opinion) usually a direct result of rushing through or skipping the salad altogether. When we have taken the time early on in the relationship to enjoy each other, laugh with each other, play and be light, simple, refreshing for each other, when the heavy times eventually settle down or subside, we can look at each other and say, "now that we know each other, let's think back and remember how fun we can be together, and how excited we can be about each other." It initiates a really healthy cycle of light, zippy enjoyment of each other and deep, hearty support and understanding- a well balanced relationship. BUT don't jump too far ahead! There are 3 more courses to come, and that super important, extra special, most-essential element that I KNOW you haven't forgotten because the suspense is KILLING you! In the meantime, if you're in a relationship, reflect on when you had your salad- and whether it's coming time to enjoy it again.

Link to Part 3

The Best Meal Of Your Life (Part 1)

The inspiration for this blog is a concept I came up with recently that helps explain adult relationships from all kinds of angles. I've decided to begin, until I start receiving questions from followers, with a few posts explaining this metaphor in small, "easy to digest" pieces.

Dating and relationships for adults is a lot like a meal. We have all kinds of meals all the time, simple ones, crappy ones, and very rarely, on exceptionally special occasions (at least for a majority of the western population) we have a really fancy meal with many courses. Few, if any of us, find ourselves having a full, 5 course meal every day- and I'm afraid this idea may be lost on those of you who do. 

So the ideal for a Christian relationship is best compared (in my chef mind) to a fabulous 5 course meal- the meal of a lifetime. The 5 courses in my dream meal include an Appetizer course, a Soup &/or Salad course, an "Intermezzo", an Entree, and Finally, a Dessert. There is one other crucial element to EVERY "meal" no matter the size, but I'll touch on that last to build the suspense. Let's start at the beginning: 

The Appetizer

An Appetizer in a well planned, super special, fancy-pants dinner will have a few common elements. It will be savory, flavorful, not overly-filling and a little bit meaty- it's sort of a preview of the main part of the meal, to get you invested and excited about the courses that are coming, and if you're really having that once-in-a-lifetime, fancy meal, it won't fill you up to where you have no desire to move on to the next 4 courses. In a relationship, this is that moment at the very beginning, when you first meet that someone and you want to know everything about them. You feel like you could talk for days and you often do talk for hours at a time, you feel like you're telling them all sorts of intimate, savory, hearty details about yourself and that you know them amazingly well for someone you only just met. But there's the trick- you have only just met. No matter how many hours you talk on the phone, or how late into the night you find yourselves talking with coat on and keys out, pretending you're about to get out and go home, remember that you're still on the appetizers! You've only known each other a short time- this is only a taste! It is important to keep a check on your heart and reel in those hormones and emotions a little bit so you can save room for those other (better) courses. Any elegant meal worth eating will take a while to enjoy every taste. I'll come back to touch on this course a bit more once I've introduced the other 4 courses, and explain how they all tie together, and why enjoying them in their proper order is so, so wonderfully important.

Link to Part 2

Welcome To My Blog!

I'll start this blog with a brief explanation to address the most obvious questions I would ask, were I to see the page's title, which are: 

1) What will the posts on this page be about?

and

2) What makes this chick think she's qualified to be doling out advice?

So to answer the first question, I'll respond to the second. I have always had an abnormally large number of people coming to me for advice on... well, you name it- family stuff, matters of faith, dilemmas created by maybe making a big mistake and wondering how to handle the consequences, translations for my male friends of "girl language" and translations for my female friends of "boy language" (because I happen to be a female who speaks "boy" remarkably well), hair, school, work... and admittedly more often than anything else, lately, dating and relationship opinions. My credentials are simply that after a number of years of offering my opinions (usually solicited by the recipient) it's been pointed out by closer friends that I'm actually right more often than not- a lot more often, if I may say so (which I do, because it's my blog, writer's liberty). Anyways- ultimately the simple answer is that as of now I claim no qualifications worth much except the continued stream of people who know me wanting to know my thoughts about their troubles. Beyond that I do have pretty uncanny intuition and a strong penchant for picking up on context and subtexts that a lot of people miss. I am also an avid people-watcher because I love to understand why people do what they do and I prefer, in the long run, to learn from other people's hard life lessons so that I can avoid going through them myself. I can honestly promise, readers, that I will only ever give opinions wanting the absolute best for whomever ask for them.

THAT SAID, what will this page be about? I will begin, for the first few posts, by explaining a useful metaphor that I've found myself sharing with 3 different friends within 2 weeks' time, after which they all encouraged me to write it down for others to see. By the time those posts are finished, whatever small following I may have developed will be asked and encouraged to send in questions, much in the same style as those newspaper advice columns, about life, love, hair, self-image, whatever. I will then sort the questions and a majority of subsequent posts will be my replies to the questions- this means that you- the readers- will ultimately be the ones who determine where these posts will go. I encourage you to write in! My email address for questions is: asksuzyadvice@gmail.com and I will prefer that you refrain from posting questions you want answered in the comments of other posts, just to make it a bit less confusing.