Hell or Tinkerbell?

Today I'm going to be a pretty casual and speak about something that has been rolling around my mind for quite some time now- Hell.

Yes, that's right, H-E-double-hockeysticks. 

I suppose the "thesis" of this post would be...

I believe that Hell exists

^^^(Does Not Equal)^^^

I hope you go to Hell.

Allow me to explain. It seems that whenever I find myself in a conversation with a person whose philosophy of the afterlife does not include the Hell option, the underlying tone and occasionally stated feeling of the conversation is that in my owning that I believe that Hell not only exists, but is actually a place that certain people will end up, I am giving my personal consent to those people ending up there. This could not be further from what is happening. 

Before I dive into what exactly I believe and why I believe it and even why it does not mean I want to damn everybody to Hell, I would like to explain the most bare-bones basic logic of this theology:

IF Hell exists, then it exists. IF this is the case, my belief (no matter how weak or strong) that it exists does not in any way solidify or confirm Hell's existence. Likewise, IF Hell exists, YOUR*** belief (no matter how weak or strong) that Hell does NOT exist does not in any way nullify Hell's existence. Regardless of either of our beliefs, it either exists or it doesn't.

In case this argument does not make sense to you, because the verbiage is somewhat repetitive, I will give a more tangible example:

IF a banana exists, then it exists. IF this is the case, my belief (no matter how weak or strong) that it exists does not in any way solidify or confirm the banana's actual existence. Likewise, IF the banana exists, YOUR*** belief (no matter how weak or strong) that the banana does NOT exist does not in any way nullify the banana's actual existence. Regardless of either of our beliefs, it either exists or it doesn't.

This statement holds equally true if Hell does NOT exist. 

So here's the thing. It seems that most often, people who do not believe in Hell treat the beliefs of those who do in a similar fashion to that of the belief in Fairies in the story of Peter Pan:

Odds are good that I am losing you a little, it is a REALLY BIG topic and a lot of thinking to verbalize, but please, bear with me for another moment, and I'll try to be clear:

Nonbelievers in Hell often act as though the more I say I believe in Hell, or the more strong my belief in Hell is, the more real becomes- like the fairies. It's as if every time I own my belief that Hell exists, I am shouting in the person's face "I DO BELIEVE IN HELL! I DO! I DO!" and as a result, Hell becomes less a figment of my imagination and more a burning pit of justice.

Again I say, my belief in Hell and your*** nonbelief in Hell have no impact on whether it actually exists.

A particularly harsh truth that follows the same logic is:

No matter how hard you deny the existence of a banana, the banana's state of being will not change.

No matter how inconvenient the banana's existence is, the banana's state of being will not change

No matter how terrible the potential implications of the banana's existence are, the banana's state of being will not change.

To this point, I have been stating my logical defense for why I believe what I believe, and more importantly why that belief does not have anything to do with whether I think specific individuals will or should be damned to Hell. Now I will further explain why my belief in Hell has the opposite effect on my attitude about YOUR*** afterlife than seems to be most often expected.

I am a Christian. I have come to a point of hesitating to identify myself as such, selecting instead to say "follower of Jesus Christ" or similar, because so many broad stereotypes and labels have been associated with people who call themselves Christians. Here is what I mean when I call myself a Christian:

I believe in one God.

I believe in life after the death of our earthly bodies.

I believe in Heaven and Hell.

I believe that everyone sins.

I define sin as living in any way that is not in line with the holy character of God.

I believe I am a HUGE, WHOPPING sinner.

I believe you are, too (sorry).

I believe that God not only created, but really, REALLY loves all people- everybody.

I believe that God's character is strongly just, and that that justice carries through to there being consequence for sin.

I believe that the consequence for sin is death and Hell.

I believe that God loves people so much, He wanted to give us a way to avoid Hell, because we can't seem to stop stepping outside of that which is holy.

I believe that in His cosmic, bigger-and-smarter-than-me glorious logic, God determined that the best and only way to get around the perfect system of justice He established was to completely contradict the process.

I believe that to do that, God came to earth as His own son, 100% God but also 100% human, lived out a life on earth facing all the same temptations to sin that every other human faces, and remained holy. Then he underwent the punishment He didn't earn, but you and me and that guy over there earn on a daily basis.

I believe that this shook the foundations of the whole system of justice, and in doing so, God atoned for our unholiness- because Jesus Christ died, even though He was perfect, we don't have to!

And I believe that if we accept the gift that God gave us in this sacrificial atonement, we DON'T have to go to Hell! and we get to go to Heaven even though we totally don't deserve it (And I MEAN We).

But I also believe that we do have to accept God's gift of grace; He won't force it on us- that's part of free will.

So here's the deal. Now that you know exactly what I believe and why I believe it, I'd like to ask you to put yourself in my shoes for a moment. Imagine that you have the deepest, most genuine belief that Hell does exist, that people will go there for ALL of eternity, and that you know a way they can avoid going there. Wouldn't you tell them?

Taking that into consideration, answer me this: How much would I have to hate somebody if I knew all that and didn't at least TRY to tell them what I know?

If I truly believed you could go to Hell, and I truly believed I knew how to save you, but I decided not to tell you because it might make you feel uncomfortable or offend you, that would make me a jerk of literally eternal proportions. 

So in conclusion, I hope you at least come away with this: Yes, I believe in Hell. Yes, I believe people go there. NO, I don't want you to go there. God loves you, and I love you, and that is why I am telling you about it- not the other way around.

I recognize that this whole post is potentially controversial. I am genuinely not trying to pick any fights, but to present my understandings to the best of my ability. I welcome your responses, though I urge you to remain civil. If you have any questions or interest in having a conversation with me about anything in this post, feel free to click the "Email Me" link on the right side of the page, or send an email to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com. 

I try to minimize the Suzy's soap-box feature of this blog, but I do feel more strongly about this subject than any household tips, relationship advice or recipes. I will resume that content in the next post, though! Thank you for reading.

***By "your" I of course mean the hypothetical reader taking whatever stance is expressed, not literally you in the you sense, unless it happens to apply.

Overcoming Heartbreak: (Part III) The Spiritual

If you've been following my trilogy on Overcoming Heartbreak, you're here to read about the Spiritual aspect of overcoming heartbreak, which is really the most important side. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, feel free to scroll down to read the previous two posts which outline the Rational and Practical sides of the issue.

If it isn't obvious yet, this post will be strongly God-centric, so there's your disclaimer. I hope that even if you aren't "very religious" that you will read on, because there is so much great comfort and wisdom in scriptures, whether you "usually buy into it" or not- it may be a happy surprise to find relief for your heartbreak in an unexpected place.

I'll begin this by giving you the scriptural justifications for the advice I dished out for the Rational and Practical sides of this very quickly. Highlighted in blue like this are verses I strongly recommend memorizing, so that you can recall them whenever they are needed (yes, I know they're all good, these are just exceptionally applicable).

1. Be near people: 

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

2. Find People to Lean On: 

"As Iron sharpens Iron, so one man sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17)

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2)

"Let us not give up meeting together... but let us encourage one another" (Hebrews 10:25)

3. Get Moving, Be Active, Go Outside:

"Light is sweet, and it pleases the eyes to see the sun" (Ecclesiastes 11:7)

"Physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come" (1 Timothy 4:8)

4. Give and Serve:

"A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed" 

(Proverbs 11:25)

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32)

"Encourage one another and build each other up" (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

5. You'll Never Completely Forget, but That's OK:

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up" (Psalm 71:20)

"We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Corinthians 4:16-17)

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us" (Romans 5:3-5)

6. Don't Dwell, but Don't Run Away- Grieve and then Move On:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy" (Psalm 126:5)

"There is a time for everything... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" (Ecclesiastes 3:1,4)

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me... This I call to mind and therefore I have hope" (Lamentations 3:19-20, 21)

7. Reclaim Your Joy- Don't Let Hurt or Bitterness Color the Things You Love:

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things" (Philippians 4:8)

"See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (Hebrews 12:15)

So, what comfort can you have in God? Why should you turn to scripture and prayer when you are gripped with heartbreak and hurt?

"...everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the scriptures we might have hope" (Romans 15:4)

Hope. Hope and Joy are the difference between those who turn to faith in rough times, and those who turn to other sources of distraction or medication. 

• He brings rest and security: 

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge" (Psalm 62:5-7)

• He gives patience and contentment: 

"If we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently" (Romans 8:25)

• He gives Boldness, Courage and Assurance: 

"You have been my hope, O sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth" (Psalm 71:5)

"Since we have such a hope, we are very bold" (2 Corinthians 3:12)

"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death" (Philippians 1:20)

• He gives Joy, Perseverance and Comfort:

"May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you" (Psalm 33:22)

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12)

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" 

(Psalm 34:18)

• Take joy in the knowledge that God has a plan and a purpose for your life:

"In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will" (Ephesians 1:11)

• And He is Faithful, he isn't going anywhere:

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness... The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him" (Lamentations 3:22-23, 25)

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" 

(Psalm 34:18)

• There is soooo much more comfort to be had from the Bible, but to wrap this up:

"Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have recieved from God" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Overcoming Heartbreak: (Part II) The Rational

The Rational

Continuing my trilogy on overcoming all kinds of heartbreak, today I will explore the rational side of recovery. If you missed part 1, just scroll down to the previous post to get caught up.

What does Rational mean?

According to dictionary.reference.com, 

ra·tion·al 

adjective

1.

agreeable to reason; reasonable; sensible

2.

having or exercising reason, sound judgment, or good sense

3.

being in or characterized by full possession of one's reason; sane; lucid

4.

endowed with the faculty of reason

5.

of, pertaining to, or consulting reasoning powers

This is a major factor in heartbreak, as I'm sure you can guess, because hurt makes us feel a little bit crazy. We feel out of our element, out of our senses, and out of touch with our "usual" selves. So how can find our footing in the real world again?

First, remember that while this feels totally special and exclusive to you, that nobody else could possibly know just what you're going through, you're not alone, you're not the first person that has ever felt this way. I am aware that this isn't exactly a consolation for 99% of you, but it's important to establish that baseline so that you realize, the statements I am making to help all sorts of people may be able to help you, too! So just give them a try, what'll it hurt?

Next, let's talk for a second about a reaction I have seen consistently from every person I've seen hurt, including myself- Reading Significance Into EVERYTHING! If you are heartbroken because of a loss of someone through death, read the following blue paragraph before continuing. If you are not, feel free to skip down to the rest of the purple.

Now, if you are dealing with an "organic" heartbreak, such as the death of a loved one, significant dates, places and objects will be important to  keep your loved one in memory. Unfortunately, that is the effect that significance has on everything. Even when dealing with healthy, natural grief, it can and will eventually stunt your emotional and rational progress through the stages of grieving if you fail to identify when you are dwelling excessively. So RATIONALLY what you need to do is identify a handful of significant things, like a keepsake, anniversary, birth-date, death-date, one or two special places that hold meaning. The key word here is handful; if you've ever watched the show Hoarders, that is a physical representation of what happens in our hearts, minds, and sometimes our houses when we feel we can not dare dissociate our loved one from every single object that initially reminds us of them. Keep their memory, but remember that they probably would want you to move on with your life, and enjoy the time you have without them if you can. So gradually take rational steps towards remembering them sweetly when you see that baseball hat on your dresser, or put that necklace on in the morning, or when you realize it's their birthday, and then go outside and live your own life completely and happily, in honor of that memory.

For those of you dealing with heartbreaks more along the lines of a broken relationship, be it romantic or close friend, I'm about to give you a step by step plan. We all have those times where it seems like everything reminds us of them; that's the coffee shop where we had our second date, that's the song that was on the radio when we said I love you for the first time, He loves the Dallas Cowboys and now I can't stand to stay in the city for fear of being reminded of that, her favorite color is blue and now I want to cry all over again every time I see anyone in a blue shirt, WHY CAN'T EVERYBODY JUST STOP WEARING BLUE FOREVER!? You can see where it gets irrational, but it's an amazingly fine line! Now prepare yourself- this is a practice in disciplined rationality and self control! It only works if you want it to. 

~ The object is to systematically lower the significance of the more every-day reminders you have in your life of whatever is causing you hurt.

1. Start with realizing that you will never erase your memory, and that's a good thing- someday, some of those memories will be sweet without hurting, too. 

2. When you come to a point where you want to avoid something because it reminds you of your loss, stop yourself- don't let yourself dwell, and don't run away. Let yourself feel that initial zing of emotion and hurt in your chest, and then be conscious of its fading away as you come to terms with whatever significance you just recognized. 

3. Now ask yourself a couple of questions:

• Did I like this before it was associated with this person?
• Would I have liked this if I had found it without this person?
• Would I have to significantly change my habits or way of life to avoid this reminder?
• Do I have any positive associations with this momentum that are not related to this person?

4. If the answer to any of the above is yes, work on realizing that it is worth removing the significance of this particular person. If you liked it before, it's YOURS! Don't let your heartbreak take that enjoyment from you! If it's a television show, watch some new episodes you never watched with them, so that you have your own independent experience to cite when you consider your opinion of it. If it's a restaurant or a place you enjoy visiting, make a date to meet someone different, a friend or sister or brother, even a business associate, at that place- remove the sentimental significance so that it becomes, once again, a restaurant you happen to like. 

I have a favorite coffee shop that I happened to go to on my first date with my most recent boyfriend. I remember when I instinctively went to go there to study a few weeks after we broke up, I almost turned around and had to sit in the parking lot for a few minutes to soak in the flood of sweet memories that came over me of that night. Finally, though, I thought- this was my favorite place before I told him about it, and sure, I had my first date with him over in that corner, but I also had an important conversation with "Jane" at that other table, and talked to a stranger about my faith in that chair over there, and I've flirted with the barristas over that counter every time for the last 2 years! This is MY place, not mine and his! And while I still have fleeting thoughts of him sometimes when I sit in that particular corner, I acknowledge it and then let it go, and enjoy my coffee.

5. Significant dates are impossible to avoid. It will not help your life to sour your mood for the whole day or stay in bed. But the funny thing about significant dates is, there's usually some other significance they can represent and share! When your anniversary date comes around post-breakup, don't stay home moping, look Facebook to see if any of your friends have a birthday that day- now it's not "the day that used to be your anniversary" it's "so and so's birthday". If there is no alternative significance to be had, MAKE A NEW MEMORY!!!!! Instead of sulking and perpetuating the misery of that day by adding more and more negative associations to it, call up a friend and go do something new that you've never done before or don't do often enough. Then, next year, when that day rolls around and the memory of that relationship tries to tug on your sleeve, you can immediately be reminded that that was why you went out that night and had a blast rollerblading with your friend Steve.

And finally, learn to find a bit of humor in those things you attach significance to. I once started feeling nostalgic about a guy I was never even all that attached to because I was driving a road I had only ever taken before to get to his house. Then I realized how silly it was to associate emotional significance to a chunk of the interstate! Once you get to where you can find a little humor, the hurt will instantly fade.

Tune in tomorrow for The Spiritual side of recovery.

Overcoming Heartbreak: (Part I) The Practical

Hey Suzy,

   What advice would you give someone who struggles with abandonment?  I know a guy who is still carrying a torch for a girl he broke up with four years ago and just isn't able to move on with life. He also has a real hard time trusting people and will rarely call, even guys, if he needs help.  In short, he's a mess... I'm interested to read what you think.

Concerned,

Nick Carroway

Dear Nick,

The best I can do is write as though I am talking to your friend, because it's- er, well, it's just easier for me to think that way. My response to your excellent, heartfelt question will come in 3 parts over the next few days, because I think it is such an important one and I don't want to over-summarize anything.

To Nick's friend, and any reader who finds him/herself struggling to overcome rejection or heartbreak, or to move on from other rough times:

First of all, don't feel like you're odd, abnormal, or strange. If you feel like you're taking this harder than people expect you to, or it is taking longer to get over this than others think it should, don't allow that perception to add anxiety to your life. There are no prescribed, set time limits on recovering from heartbreak- everyone is different, and every relationship is different, and will therefore leave different sized wounds in their wake.

Now, I'm not saying that there's no such thing as taking too long to recover or move on- that is definitely not true. Depression, dwelling, sulking- these are all real and they are not healthy. But the purpose now is, regardless of however long you have lingered in your hurt, to Start Moving Forward. 

There are three equally important components to emotional recovery: 

The Practical, the Rational, and the Spiritual

The Practical component is important because our minds so often follow our actions. It gives us something to do, not only to start moving again, but also to fill in the meantime while our brains and our hearts catch up. And the practical suggestions I am about to list all have a direct link to boosting the health of your brain and heart:

• Be Near People: If you have allowed yourself to get caught up in your misery, chances are extremely good that your social life has suffered. So move up one step at a time towards regaining normal social interactions again. I know it feels difficult and miserable for some of you to even think about being around people while in your state of mind, but these interactions are Integral in getting OUT of that state of mind! 

If you've gone fully reclusive, just get out of your house and be around others- you don't even have to talk (the first time), just be near them. 

If you've kept up habits of going to places like work and church, but you cringe or freeze at the thought of initiating small-talk when the weight of the world is on your shoulders, take the plunge, BE A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE! Ultimately you need to work towards the next step

• Find People to Lean On: Chances are, it's not going to be difficult to find them once you're motivated to do so. There are probably people in your life who are or were in touch at the time of your heartbreak, who offered to be there for you or attempted to console you. You may have rejected their attention, and you may even feel like you missed your opportunity. To that I say, give people more credit. You are resilient and so are your old friends. If you call them or facebook message them and invite them to grab a coffee and catch up, they may be confused, but they'll probably show up.

I acknowledge, some apologies may be in order- we can say and do some pretty harsh things when we're hurting. But if you'll be a little uncomfortable, just for a moment, and sincerely own your part, Amazing things will happen, I PROMISE. You're likely to have a stronger friendship than before.

• Get Moving: Be active. We've all heard it before, but exercise causes the body to produce and release endorphins, which are a hormone that makes us feel good, happy, content. I'm not saying you have to go run, though it would work- but add some activity to your day. 

We often get into these ugly cycles of depression and sedentary lifestyles, where we're too sad, lonely, depressed to get up and DO, and then we're bored, alone, tired, lacking energy, which makes us sad, lonely, depressed. Go outside and get a little sun- heck, make it a goal to get a light sunburn, just to feel that warmth and glow (I'm not condoning irresponsible exposure to the sun, but odds are pretty good it has been a long time since you've had a long day in the sun- am I right?). Vitamin D is essential to brain and body function, and lack of it can contribute to depression and ill health.

• Give and Serve: If you read my blog much you know this is my personal super cure for anything that ails you (psychologically, anyway). But in all seriousness, if you can get outside your own self-made shell of woes for just a couple of hours, and serve people with- I won't say bigger, but different problems, and play a small part in alleviating their problems, it will do 2 things:

1. It'll give you a dose of perspective, remind you of the bigger picture, and break you of the solitary room of selfishness our own hurts can sometimes (often?) banish us to.
2. It will remind you of what you DO have- realizing even a few blessings like a bed to sleep in or food in your stomach can open the door to all sorts of other positive thoughts.

The moral of this component is, Get out of yourself and Be A Little Uncomfortable. It is necessary, and if you think about it, where has your comfort zone gotten you so far? It's really not the reliable friend you've come to think it is.

I'll address the other two components in my next two posts, I encourage you once again to send me more awesome questions like Nick's! Simply click the "Email Us" link on the right hand side of the page, or email me at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com

The Trick to Friendship

Dear Suzy,

I really want to cultivate some strong, healthy friendships- especially with people from my church. I try really hard to be friendly and show interest and be available to go to things, but I just feel unsatisfied and frustrated with my results. What can I do?

Tapped Out,

Arthur from Heart of Gold

Dear Arthur,

Let me start by saying that I think it's great that you know what you want and you're trying to take steps to get it- that's a great attitude. I think where you're having trouble is when you say "I try really hard", I'm willing to wager you're probably trying a little too hard. Strong friendships have a way of developing naturally. You mentioned church so I'm going to address your question from a christian standpoint now. You tend to meet the people you have most in common with doing the things you already have a passion for. If you are passionate about God and you start putting all that effort you've been gearing towards your budding friendships into serving God, you're bound to find people serving alongside you who are natural friends. There are added bonuses to this approach- you'll inevitably be spending time with these people (without working to make it happen!). Time is the best food for a healthy friendship- you can't help but get to know each other better while you're painting a house or working a food line. You can't help but find other common interests and passions in the course of sharing an active passion for God. You can't help but develop inside jokes and shared stories when you meet through shared experiences. But most importantly, you'll be serving God and growing your relationship with Him- this will help you to be content when you don't have friends around, and will make you naturally more attractive to others who have the same passion for God. So, in a nutshell, you have 3 simple steps: 1) Stop worrying and trying so hard- have patience! 2) Get out there and do what you love! and 3) Don't let the opportunities you're creating for yourself pass you by- if you find a new place to serve, and you show up, keep your head down and don't get to know the people you're serving with, you'll probably be writing me again in a month or two, telling me how wrong I've turned out to be... One last word on this subject, I encourage you to lift your loneliness or your frustration, your desire for friendships up in prayer, and ask God to interfere in your life- present your requests to the Lord, and He will honor His servants.

Once again I'd like to thank "Arthur" for his question, and I'd like to remind and encourage you, my readers, to continue emailing me your questions! You can click the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page, or open a new email and send it to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com. Thank you for reading, and if you like what you've read so far, I ask that you share this blog on Facebook and Twitter by clicking any of the links on this page.

1st Question! Sexuality vs. Sex

Dear Suzy,

• I was wondering what you meant (in part 4 of your "Best Meal" series) by sexuality having a place in the relationship- were you meaning sex before marriage?

  
  

  Confused,

  Mr. Collins in Rosings Park

  
  

  Dear Mr. Collins,

  
  

  What a great question! I am so glad you asked me to clarify, because I would hate to have been misunderstood. In the context of that blog in particular, I mentioned sexuality as a way of differentiating "friendly touch" from "romantic touch". The difference between Physicality and Sexuality is the difference between my touching my friend Kristen's arm to let her know I'm there for her, and my touching the same place on my boyfriend's arm just to let him know I enjoy his touch and his presence in my life. I guarantee that in this blog you will never see me condoning or encouraging extramarital sex, and I welcome all of my readers to hold me accountable if they ever see something that could be construed that way. 

  
  

  Now that hopefully that misunderstanding is a bit better clarified, though, I'd like to comment for a moment on why I think we've come to a place where such distinctions (between sexuality and sex) need to be made. In our western culture, our media is riddled with sex- this is not a profound statement. But what's amazing is, for all the jumping in and out of bed with each other that we watch our protagonists do, there is actually very little healthy sexuality in the context of a relationship being portrayed. What I mean is, in a show or movie, you may have a flirtation for a very, very, very long time- but once the barrier of relationship is finally crossed, and the couple you've been watching all this time finally kiss, or even hold hands, it's only a matter of minutes, scenes, or at most episodes before you see the couple getting into bed together, actually having sex, or waking up next to each other.

  
  

   The only exception to this in any of the shows I can think of are the couples who are so young they would be taboo to root for (and even that age is getting lower and lower) and, occasionally, in paranormal shows where the vampire/werewolf/whatever boyfriend is too tempted to kill or too traditional because he's old. Even then, in the case of a popular show Vampire Diaries, it was within the first season that the tension became too much for the main characters and they were sleeping together, 100 year age difference notwithstanding. 

  
  

  My point (and yes, I have one) is that sexuality is most easily defined as everything but sex. The act itself, while extremely enjoyable, is not actually that sexy most of the time- that is a big part of why the networks and movies cut just before the actual act starts- it's hard to make it not look awkward and a little gross... Sexuality is every little touch between a couple that makes tingles go up their arm, and causes them to understand the term "butterflies in my stomach". The various stages of hand holding; the arm-touches; ladies, when you walk up behind your boyfriend and hook your hand in the crook of his elbow, causing him to stand more confidently no matter who he's talking to; the little kisses on the face, the back of the hand; the arm around your shoulders- your waist; dancing with each other and feeling his breath tickle your ear as he sings off-key along with the music because he trusts you; letting him spin you too much, too fast because you know he'll catch you at the end of the song  and hold you until the room stops spinning; that extra hand-squeeze before you walk into an intimidating situation; her head resting in that nook between your shoulder and your chest while you watch a movie.... I could go on and on, but all these things are either physicality or sexuality within a relationship, these are those "seasonings" I referred to in my previous post. You'll notice, I didn't even mention actual kissing, necking or making out- even couples who choose to save kissing until the wedding day can have some form of healthy "sexual" expression with their partners. This is also my response to those who ask "well how can you know if you have a good chemistry or if you're 'well matched' for each other if you've never kissed/had sex before you get married?" Chemistry can be gauged from any of the things I listed above (and I'm sure you can think of other examples) and as far as being "well matched" goes- communication within a relationship where the couple is already well-matched in non-physical matters is the only thing you need to ensure that who you choose to marry will be a perfect match for you sexually. If you communicate in pre-marital talks and counseling about your expectations in that area, there won't be too many big surprises. If you communicate after you marry about what you like and dislike in that context, you will learn to be each other's perfect partner. And if you communicate when problems arise, you will be able to work through them together and become a stronger couple for it- this right here is a type of communication that rarely even occurs with extramarital sexual circumstances, because so often such problems are thought to be that "deal breaker" issue that they were waiting to arise all along.

  
  

  I even venture to say that many marriages in which one or both individuals feel that the "spark" has gone out of their relationship have actually more lost their sexuality, their romance. Since they have access to sex more readily than non-married persons, they start skipping the commercials, they eliminate the anticipation, romance, tingles and excitement about each other because they can... This is really fodder for its own post, though.

  
  

  Anyway, this post is long enough- if you have any questions for me about this post or anything else going on in your life, family, work, food preparation, book selection or whatever, please click the "email us" link on the right-hand side of this page, or open your own window and write to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com. Thanks!

Welcome To My Blog!

I'll start this blog with a brief explanation to address the most obvious questions I would ask, were I to see the page's title, which are: 

1) What will the posts on this page be about?

and

2) What makes this chick think she's qualified to be doling out advice?

So to answer the first question, I'll respond to the second. I have always had an abnormally large number of people coming to me for advice on... well, you name it- family stuff, matters of faith, dilemmas created by maybe making a big mistake and wondering how to handle the consequences, translations for my male friends of "girl language" and translations for my female friends of "boy language" (because I happen to be a female who speaks "boy" remarkably well), hair, school, work... and admittedly more often than anything else, lately, dating and relationship opinions. My credentials are simply that after a number of years of offering my opinions (usually solicited by the recipient) it's been pointed out by closer friends that I'm actually right more often than not- a lot more often, if I may say so (which I do, because it's my blog, writer's liberty). Anyways- ultimately the simple answer is that as of now I claim no qualifications worth much except the continued stream of people who know me wanting to know my thoughts about their troubles. Beyond that I do have pretty uncanny intuition and a strong penchant for picking up on context and subtexts that a lot of people miss. I am also an avid people-watcher because I love to understand why people do what they do and I prefer, in the long run, to learn from other people's hard life lessons so that I can avoid going through them myself. I can honestly promise, readers, that I will only ever give opinions wanting the absolute best for whomever ask for them.

THAT SAID, what will this page be about? I will begin, for the first few posts, by explaining a useful metaphor that I've found myself sharing with 3 different friends within 2 weeks' time, after which they all encouraged me to write it down for others to see. By the time those posts are finished, whatever small following I may have developed will be asked and encouraged to send in questions, much in the same style as those newspaper advice columns, about life, love, hair, self-image, whatever. I will then sort the questions and a majority of subsequent posts will be my replies to the questions- this means that you- the readers- will ultimately be the ones who determine where these posts will go. I encourage you to write in! My email address for questions is: asksuzyadvice@gmail.com and I will prefer that you refrain from posting questions you want answered in the comments of other posts, just to make it a bit less confusing.