Peace and Sanity

This man is my hero.

I don't know his name. I don't know anything about him except one of the most important things in the world.

Let me back up a bit.

I saw him 2 days ago when I was out to lunch with some of my family. We were waiting for a table to open up in a tiny, hole-in-the-wall bakery, so I was, naturally, assessing everyone around me and the stage of consumption their lunch had reached to guess how long the wait would be. Then I noticed this man. I'm going to name him Phil. Phil was eating a salad and some bread. There was no phone in sight. There was no lunch companion at his table. There was no newspaper, book, nook, laptop, blackberry, pen with napkin scribbles... nothing. Just his plate. Being the awkward, voyeuristic people watcher that I am, I noticed and immediately became fascinated. 

I looked around at the other tables. There were several other men eating by themselves, but this one had a newspaper... this one had his phone out... this one was talking into a headset (not a bluetooth, mind you- one of those headsets you see video gamers and air force pilots wearing- super classy). 

I was so fascinated with Phil that I actually took a [super creepy] picture by taking a photo of my grandma and zooming in. I knew I'd want a visual for the blog I was already writing in my head. (FOURTH WALL!!!!!!!!)

Phil wasn't in a hurry. I hope someone understands why this boggles me. He was sincerely, genuinely enjoying his salad; totally alone with his thoughts. Without distraction, without somewhere to hurry up and get to. He was smiling a little.

When is the last time you had a meal by yourself? When is the last time you had a meal by yourself that wasn't 

a) on the phone

b) on social media

c) reading something

d) watching tv

e) doodling on a napkin

f) eaten in a hurry because you have things to get to and nothing to occupy your mind

g) in the car

h) some or all of the above?

There is a common expression in literature or movies: "how do you sleep at night?"

It's an expression usually directed at persons whose behavior has caused others to wonder how they can stand to fall asleep with such a guilty conscience.

Imagine the clear conscience it takes to enjoy ones lunch, in this day and age, completely alone with one's own thoughts.

Phil has inspired me.

I want to discover the peace of a meal absent of outside connection.

I want to experience the sanity of being able to sit still with my own thoughts and not feel rushed to find something else to focus on.

Even make a standing appointment?

Phil, whoever you are, you're my hero.

I hope now he's yours too.

If there's something you'd like me to write a post about, or a question you'd like answered, click the "email me" link on the right hand side of the page.

Anxiety: A Room Full of Boxes

This post is extremely personal, but I feel like it is important to share. I hope it is enlightening or comforting or both to some of my readers.

The Room

In my mind there is a dim, circular room completely lined with shelves, wall to wall, beginning at the floor and climbing high to an unseen ceiling. All of these shelves are lined with red boxes- like the ones you can get at Neiman Marcus at Christmas. Each box is an opportunity, challenge or problem that I will eventually encounter in my life. Usually, I walk into the room and there is the box for today's challenge sitting on a table, and I open it to assess its contents: the options I have to proceed through and beyond the challenge. Sometimes the box is filled with options; these are welcome and easy, and the best one or two courses of action tend to stand out. Other boxes may only have one option, there in the back corner of the box, not always appealing but present and something I can take and move forward with. Sometimes the single option is even welcome assurance that it was my only choice.

I am blessed to have led a life which for the most part has featured full boxes; the world has been my oyster, so to speak, and I have had so many opportunities to select whatever path I desired to pursue. Somewhere along the line, though, I walked into that room and I opened a box and I found it empty. 

I panicked. I felt frozen. I didn’t know how to move forward, what to do next. Up to that point, I would go into that room in my mind, find the box labeled with the problem at hand on the table, open it up and find the next step, then I would take it out of the box and use my choice. Then the box, the problem, would go away. For years that was my sanity: walk in, open box, view options, make choice, take the next step.

After that first empty box, I slowed down. I still used my room, but I now knew that there was the possibility I would open a box one day and find nothing inside. By the second or third empty box, I became wary and anxious of opening my boxes- then of even entering the room. It manifested itself in my real life by developing an unreasonable aversion to certain things that almost always sent me to my room of boxes; I would avoid things that might notify me of a problem or a choice so that I wouldn’t have to face the boxes piling up on my table- what if one of them was empty? What if all of them were? (To my family who are reading this, I'll just say Email.)

When I had to deal with the growing mess in my room of boxes, I reached a point where I would get panicky just thinking about opening a box- a fear of the unknown. Most of the time I would open the boxes and find my choices, my next steps, and I would chastise myself for making so much of nothing- I'd gain some courage to open another box, and another, knocking out challenge after challenge, relaxing and building confidence UNTIL

I found myself frozen. The panic and anxiety was worse than ever. In the real world, I would have a physical panic attack, with hyperventilating, even crying, and I would go into a brief state of denial, in my mind I would walk out and close the door to the room and pretend it didn’t exist, and in reality I would block it out by watching a stupid show or reading a novel, or cooking. The box wouldn’t go away, and eventually it would get dealt with, often with a worse outcome for having been put off.

This story is not to showcase my struggles in a bid for attention or sympathy; I do hope that in being transparent, more people can feel comfortable identifying areas in which they need help, and realize that their "issues" do not define them; even the most "together" people have stuff going on they just aren't telling the world about. I hope it helps explain to people who do not deal with Anxiety what it looks like from the perspective of someone who has experienced it long term. 

I also want to share with those of you who deal with Anxiety in your own lives what has helped me begin to overcome it. First, I have come to realize that there is no such thing as an empty box. I still have to remind myself of that before I open a new one, but truly, when you think about it, there is no such thing as a problem or a challenge with no next step. The next step might not always be appealing, but it always exists- for all the boxes I thought were empty, I have never actually had my entire life come to a halt; it always somehow moves forward. Sometimes the only thing in the box is prayer, but in my experience it is the best option I could hope for, and should be the first next step I take from any box. The second important thing I have learned (with the help of wise counsel) is that the boxes generally get less and less full the longer I leave them unopened. The longer I wait to face my challenges, the less options I will have for the next step.

If you struggle with anxiety, I encourage you to share it with someone you trust. They may not understand initially but I challenge you to take some time to walk them through it; it is healing to feel like there is someone with you when you encounter particularly intimidating “boxes”. If you don’t have anyone you feel comfortable processing with,  feel free to email me- I can’t offer much more than an ear, but sometimes that’s just what you need!

REJECTED- Getting Over It

We've all been where this guy is at, though hopefully to a much lesser extent. My last two posts were all about learning to recognize when a person is not interested in you romantically. Today's post will hopefully provide some insight into how to deal with all those feelings of rejection, inadequacy, etc. after not only scenarios in which your person of interest is not interested in you, but also breakups, getting fired, not being offered a position you desire, or being flat turned down. 

 I started out my preparation for this blog by first surveying my Facebook friends about what they do to handle rejection, and they gave me some great examples of both what to do and what not to do. I will start with a few examples of what not to do.

• Egging the person's car or any other forms of vandalism. You are not 12. And if you are 12, still don't do it. Seriously.
• Any form of practical joke- whether it's ordering 30 pizzas to be delivered to their house or putting their number on a telemarketing call list, it is NOT sane or ok to be spiteful, vindictive or petty towards a person (ever, but particularly) for rejecting you.
• Spreading gossip about that person. Even if it's true, it'll make you look as bad as them. Consider the fact that if the person is really all that terrible, it reflects on your poor judgement for having been interested in them. Be the bigger person, don't discuss them at all if you can't be kind and constructive.
• Avoiding the person (if you're friends, just act normal).
• Asking God to change their mind, He knows your heart, and He also knows theirs. If you are destined to be with that person, God will make it happen at the right time, and you really wouldn't want it to happen under any other circumstances. 
• Refusing to listen to sound wisdom and encouragement that friends and family provide.
• Sulking. You can allow yourself a reasonable interval to feel like crap- but set a time limit. Make plans for a few days after the fact and don't let yourself skip them, even if you still don't feel all that social.
• Talking it over and over and over with any friends who will listen. They will secretly or openly resent you for it, and every time you re-hash every dadgum interaction you ever had with the person who rejected you, you are ripping off the scab, reopening the wound and refusing to heal.

Here are some examples of reactions and coping mechanisms that aren't ideal, but are acceptable and even therapeutic in moderation:

• Cry. Let it out! Our tears are actually one of our body's best, most effective methods of ridding itself of stress hormones. If you feel like you want to cry, don't hold it in- let it out, but set a limit on it. Some people are like fire hydrants, where once they start crying, it's difficult to stop. If this describes you, a few helpful tips: Try to go somewhere cold, like a walk-in refrigerator- you'll cry, but the cold will help your body calm down more quickly. If you don't have a walk-in fridge or cold weather outside to utilize, stick your head in the freezer for a couple of minutes, or splash cold water on your face. Amazingly effective.
• Watching a good, upbeat movie or rereading a favorite book. A lot of women in particular favor watching chick-flicks, but I recommend comedies and action movies, or perhaps movies where the protagonist discovers him/herself and/or accomplishes something other than a relationship. It's kind of rubbing salt in the wound to watch fictional, unattainable relationships in the midst of your own rejection.
• Eat chocolate. The darker, the better- it's not just an old wives' tale, chocolate has two chemical properties that encourage happiness and contentment. First, it has caffeine and sugar, which will help you feel a bit more energized- great for staving off depression. Secondly, it contains endorphins, which are a natural hormone that encourages a feeling of happiness and well-being.
• Exercise. No really! The endorphins help, and sometimes running as hard and fast as you can just wears you out and empties your head- you can block out the negative thoughts for a minute, and it forces you to breathe. More than once, immediately after a bad breakup I took a run (and I am NOT a runner), and just wearing myself out, being out of breath, it kept the hurt at bay in those initial hours. Eventually you'll have to face your feelings, but this is ok to do initially.

Now for the best I can offer- HOW TO cope with rejection in a healthy, positive way:

• Accept the truth that just because a specific person is not interested in you doesn't mean there is something WRONG with you. There can be (and usually is) a number of reasonable factors that are outside of your control that lead to a person's disinterest in you. Obsessing over why they don't like you will create useless insecurity. 
• Move on. I know better than to recommend this as some sort of immediate thing- I know it will take time, but allow it to happen. Wallowing and obsessing and refusing to let go won't help.
• Spend time with your friends; allow them to lift you up and encourage you. 

"A friend loves at all times" (Proverbs 17:17)

• Turn to God, and to His Word. When you're hurting, it can almost feel cliche to have someone tell you yet again that God loves you, He has your best interests at heart, and will never forsake you, but it's TRUE! Keep the following in mind: 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18)

God says, "I will turn the darkness to light before them and make the rough places smooth... I will not forsake them." (Isaiah 42:16)

"He extends compassion and comfort to you, which, in turn, you can give to others" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

"The Lord will not reject His people; He will never forsake His inheritance" (Psalm 94:14)

• Accept God's plan and remember that He knows what's best.

"Praise be to God, who has NOT rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!" (Psalm 66:20)

"I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation." (Psalm 13:5)

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" (Deuteronomy 31:8)

• Actively seek the Lord and turn outward, serving others. It will help you get outside your own selfish complaints and will give God opportunities to move you where you need to be. It is not enough to try to get away from negative thoughts, you have to actively move towards positive things.

"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." (Genesis 4:7) 

"There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1)

• And lastly, forgive the person who rejects you, don't hold grudges.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13) 

And HEY, It's gonna be OK. Really.

Life Hacks: Achieving Interpersonal Proficience (Part 1)

I've come to a point where there is a bit of a lull in the number of questions I've been receiving from my readers, so I will take time this week to write a few more "opinion" and "helpful tips" blogs while I wait for you, my dear, faithful followers, to write in with your questions. In case you've only begun reading recently, I'll remind you that I'll be happy to answer your questions about anything, from food to hygiene, romance to friendship, spirituality to household chores, literature to philosophy, budgeting to art, and on and on. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I know everything, but I know a lot of people who know a lot of things, and if ever I am in doubt about my knowledge of a subject, I'll be sure to say so, and do my best to recommend a better source for the information. To send in your questions, just click the handy "Email us" link on the right hand side of the page, or open a new window and send your question to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com. Thank you!

This is the first installment of a few "Life Hack" blogs I will be posting intermittently over the coming months.

Urban Dictionary defines a Life Hack as "Any hacks, tips and tricks that get things done quickly by automating, increase productivity and organizing." The only thing I'll add to this definition is that they're also tips and tricks that can help you do everyday things better and more effectively with little added effort. Today I'll be giving you a simple list of highly effective Life Hacks that should improve your every day personal interactions with immediate results. WARNING: Some of these hacks will require a new level of self-awareness that may cause brief discomfort, but are better for you in the long run, I promise!

1) This may be the most important thing you read in your entire adult life. It could change your life. Think of a friend. A trustworthy, honest friend. Preferably the level of honest you sort of wish they wouldn't be sometimes. Go to this friend privately and ask them, honestly, promising no backlash reguardless of the answer:

"Do you or have you ever noticed me ever having body odor?" Then follow it with "Was it an any circumstance other than right after playing basketball and right before getting into the shower?"

I know, you're laughing, thinking, "oh, awesome, this is an ironic humor sort of blog."

NO. It is not. It may be a long needed wake up call that will change your life! I know a LOT of handsome, 20 and even 30-something men with excellent personalities who have no idea that the primary reason they strike out with women is that their female friends dread standing too close to them in a conversation, muchless hugging them or dancing with them, which really can be such a waste because were it not for their olfactories, these gentlemen would be extremely attractive. I hate to say it, ladies- you can be guilty, too! I personally was blessed with a brutally honest family whom I live close to and see regularly, and I know (from experience) that I can trust them to point out to me if the brand of deodorant I'm using just isn't doing it's proper job any more.

Body odor doesn't reflect on you as a person, except when you neglect to address it! And unfortunately, it has been scientifically proven that we become immune to our own scent, and our own personal noses can not be trusted to determine whether it is a problem. It may simply be that your brand of deodorant no longer works as it once did, or that it never quite worked well enough. It may be that the showering and maintenance routine that you established in the 6th grade just isn't sufficient for your now post-pubescent sweat glands. It may be that your long-held belief that your wardrobe is good for at least 2 wears before getting washed is misinformed.

For your convenience, here is a quick list of basics for men:
- Shower no less than once a day- period. You do still sweat, even if you've literally just sat at the computer for the last 16 hours.
- Shower after working out, any activity in temperatures over 80 degrees Fahrenheit, or any strenuous activity lasting more than 10 minutes. Don't whine- y'all can be in and out of the shower in like, 2 minutes. This should not be taking away from your day substantially.
- I kind of can't believe I need to say this, but I know there are people out there who don't DO this: USE SOAP when you shower! Water alone ain't gonna do the job. If you don't like that, tough nuggets.
- Brush your teeth 2 to 3 times a day, once in the morning when you wake up (morning breath is gross), once before you go to bed, and at the very least suck a strong mint if not mouthwash after eating any meal consisting of garlic, onions, curries, and the like. If you're ever in a bind, chew and swallow the parsley that's garnishing your entree- that's actually it's purpose, to neutralize the strong favors in the meal.
- Before going to a social thing, particularly in the evening- at the very least, wipe your stinkiest areas down well with a clean, wet cloth ("Aggie Bath") and change your shirt- NOT just your top shirt- Change that undershirt! What good does it do to put a fresh pillowcase over a stinky pillow?
- Avoid the urge to "cover" body odor and other unpleasant smells with copious amounts of cologne- imagine tossing a bunch of freshly picked mint into the trash- it still smells like garbage, just.... minty garbage.
- Avoid copious amounts of cologne period! Do not be fooled into thinking that the amount of cologne applied in an Axe Body Spray commercial is a reasonable dose! Remember, they're selling the stuff- they want you to use ridiculous amounts of it so you'll buy more sooner.  Two quick (I MEAN quick) sprays in an "X" motion from shoulders to hips across your abdomen should do the trick.
- CLEAN your COATS! I know you only wear it in cold weather, and it's not the same type of garment as other clothes, but it's still fabric and you still sweat. If it's washable, toss it in the laundry at least once a month during the season you wear it. If it's not washable, spend the $5 to get it dry cleaned, preferably once a month, no less than once every 2 months. I can't tell you what a wonder killer it is when an otherwise attractive, even decent-smelling guy loans me his coat only to have the coat smell like he hasn't washed it since he bought it 3 years ago.

For Women:
- Shower about once a day. We legitimately do sweat less than men, and we don't necessarily always need to shower more than once a day, and there are days in the winter, when it's cold and we haven't been active, that we legitimately can wait 36 hours between showers without it making much difference. I don't recommend you advertise this method, but it can be acceptable  PROVIDED your deodorant WORKS. Don't let yourself be in denial about this.
- Easy tip- even during long winter months when you are the only person looking at or touching your legs, at the very least shave your ankles- save yourself anyone else accidentally glimpsing your laziness
- Change deodorant brands at least once a year- even if you just switch back and forth between two, it'll help prevent your body chemistry from adjusting to whatever brand you use over time
- Don't overdo the perfume- the less it costs, the more often you'll need to apply it, but don't try to compensate for it wearing off more quickly by putting on a larger quantity initially. Remember, the goal is for people to think you smell good, not your perfume. Also, on the outside chance that you have unique taste in perfumes, you won't offend or set off the allergies of every well-meaning friend who wants to give you a hug.
- Spritz a little perfume into your hair. Guys love a girl with nice smelling hair, and it's a subtle way to make people notice that you smell nice overall- not your perfume.
- Shave your pits every time you shower- just make it as much a part of the routine as soap- it takes like, 10 seconds and saves you the embarrassment of unexpectedly removing your cardigan or something because you spill something on it and flashing those prickles for all to see as you take it off.
- Wait at least 30 minutes after shaving your pits to apply deodorant- this will help prevent unsightly razor bumps

I'll do 2 more simple hacks, since #1 has made a long post all to itself

2) Check your teeth, always, after eating anything!
3) When removing your shoes in public, particularly if you are prone to smelly feet, start by taking your feet out of your shoes and then resting them right on top of the openings of the shoes, so that the smell dissipates in smaller doses at a slower rate, making it less noticeable than a sudden wave of stinky enveloping the 5 foot radius. 

Tune in to the next Life Hacks for a breakdown of handshakes, hugs and more!

Welcome To My Blog!

I'll start this blog with a brief explanation to address the most obvious questions I would ask, were I to see the page's title, which are: 

1) What will the posts on this page be about?

and

2) What makes this chick think she's qualified to be doling out advice?

So to answer the first question, I'll respond to the second. I have always had an abnormally large number of people coming to me for advice on... well, you name it- family stuff, matters of faith, dilemmas created by maybe making a big mistake and wondering how to handle the consequences, translations for my male friends of "girl language" and translations for my female friends of "boy language" (because I happen to be a female who speaks "boy" remarkably well), hair, school, work... and admittedly more often than anything else, lately, dating and relationship opinions. My credentials are simply that after a number of years of offering my opinions (usually solicited by the recipient) it's been pointed out by closer friends that I'm actually right more often than not- a lot more often, if I may say so (which I do, because it's my blog, writer's liberty). Anyways- ultimately the simple answer is that as of now I claim no qualifications worth much except the continued stream of people who know me wanting to know my thoughts about their troubles. Beyond that I do have pretty uncanny intuition and a strong penchant for picking up on context and subtexts that a lot of people miss. I am also an avid people-watcher because I love to understand why people do what they do and I prefer, in the long run, to learn from other people's hard life lessons so that I can avoid going through them myself. I can honestly promise, readers, that I will only ever give opinions wanting the absolute best for whomever ask for them.

THAT SAID, what will this page be about? I will begin, for the first few posts, by explaining a useful metaphor that I've found myself sharing with 3 different friends within 2 weeks' time, after which they all encouraged me to write it down for others to see. By the time those posts are finished, whatever small following I may have developed will be asked and encouraged to send in questions, much in the same style as those newspaper advice columns, about life, love, hair, self-image, whatever. I will then sort the questions and a majority of subsequent posts will be my replies to the questions- this means that you- the readers- will ultimately be the ones who determine where these posts will go. I encourage you to write in! My email address for questions is: asksuzyadvice@gmail.com and I will prefer that you refrain from posting questions you want answered in the comments of other posts, just to make it a bit less confusing.