Peace and Sanity

This man is my hero.

I don't know his name. I don't know anything about him except one of the most important things in the world.

Let me back up a bit.

I saw him 2 days ago when I was out to lunch with some of my family. We were waiting for a table to open up in a tiny, hole-in-the-wall bakery, so I was, naturally, assessing everyone around me and the stage of consumption their lunch had reached to guess how long the wait would be. Then I noticed this man. I'm going to name him Phil. Phil was eating a salad and some bread. There was no phone in sight. There was no lunch companion at his table. There was no newspaper, book, nook, laptop, blackberry, pen with napkin scribbles... nothing. Just his plate. Being the awkward, voyeuristic people watcher that I am, I noticed and immediately became fascinated. 

I looked around at the other tables. There were several other men eating by themselves, but this one had a newspaper... this one had his phone out... this one was talking into a headset (not a bluetooth, mind you- one of those headsets you see video gamers and air force pilots wearing- super classy). 

I was so fascinated with Phil that I actually took a [super creepy] picture by taking a photo of my grandma and zooming in. I knew I'd want a visual for the blog I was already writing in my head. (FOURTH WALL!!!!!!!!)

Phil wasn't in a hurry. I hope someone understands why this boggles me. He was sincerely, genuinely enjoying his salad; totally alone with his thoughts. Without distraction, without somewhere to hurry up and get to. He was smiling a little.

When is the last time you had a meal by yourself? When is the last time you had a meal by yourself that wasn't 

a) on the phone

b) on social media

c) reading something

d) watching tv

e) doodling on a napkin

f) eaten in a hurry because you have things to get to and nothing to occupy your mind

g) in the car

h) some or all of the above?

There is a common expression in literature or movies: "how do you sleep at night?"

It's an expression usually directed at persons whose behavior has caused others to wonder how they can stand to fall asleep with such a guilty conscience.

Imagine the clear conscience it takes to enjoy ones lunch, in this day and age, completely alone with one's own thoughts.

Phil has inspired me.

I want to discover the peace of a meal absent of outside connection.

I want to experience the sanity of being able to sit still with my own thoughts and not feel rushed to find something else to focus on.

Even make a standing appointment?

Phil, whoever you are, you're my hero.

I hope now he's yours too.

If there's something you'd like me to write a post about, or a question you'd like answered, click the "email me" link on the right hand side of the page.

Anxiety: A Room Full of Boxes

This post is extremely personal, but I feel like it is important to share. I hope it is enlightening or comforting or both to some of my readers.

The Room

In my mind there is a dim, circular room completely lined with shelves, wall to wall, beginning at the floor and climbing high to an unseen ceiling. All of these shelves are lined with red boxes- like the ones you can get at Neiman Marcus at Christmas. Each box is an opportunity, challenge or problem that I will eventually encounter in my life. Usually, I walk into the room and there is the box for today's challenge sitting on a table, and I open it to assess its contents: the options I have to proceed through and beyond the challenge. Sometimes the box is filled with options; these are welcome and easy, and the best one or two courses of action tend to stand out. Other boxes may only have one option, there in the back corner of the box, not always appealing but present and something I can take and move forward with. Sometimes the single option is even welcome assurance that it was my only choice.

I am blessed to have led a life which for the most part has featured full boxes; the world has been my oyster, so to speak, and I have had so many opportunities to select whatever path I desired to pursue. Somewhere along the line, though, I walked into that room and I opened a box and I found it empty. 

I panicked. I felt frozen. I didn’t know how to move forward, what to do next. Up to that point, I would go into that room in my mind, find the box labeled with the problem at hand on the table, open it up and find the next step, then I would take it out of the box and use my choice. Then the box, the problem, would go away. For years that was my sanity: walk in, open box, view options, make choice, take the next step.

After that first empty box, I slowed down. I still used my room, but I now knew that there was the possibility I would open a box one day and find nothing inside. By the second or third empty box, I became wary and anxious of opening my boxes- then of even entering the room. It manifested itself in my real life by developing an unreasonable aversion to certain things that almost always sent me to my room of boxes; I would avoid things that might notify me of a problem or a choice so that I wouldn’t have to face the boxes piling up on my table- what if one of them was empty? What if all of them were? (To my family who are reading this, I'll just say Email.)

When I had to deal with the growing mess in my room of boxes, I reached a point where I would get panicky just thinking about opening a box- a fear of the unknown. Most of the time I would open the boxes and find my choices, my next steps, and I would chastise myself for making so much of nothing- I'd gain some courage to open another box, and another, knocking out challenge after challenge, relaxing and building confidence UNTIL

I found myself frozen. The panic and anxiety was worse than ever. In the real world, I would have a physical panic attack, with hyperventilating, even crying, and I would go into a brief state of denial, in my mind I would walk out and close the door to the room and pretend it didn’t exist, and in reality I would block it out by watching a stupid show or reading a novel, or cooking. The box wouldn’t go away, and eventually it would get dealt with, often with a worse outcome for having been put off.

This story is not to showcase my struggles in a bid for attention or sympathy; I do hope that in being transparent, more people can feel comfortable identifying areas in which they need help, and realize that their "issues" do not define them; even the most "together" people have stuff going on they just aren't telling the world about. I hope it helps explain to people who do not deal with Anxiety what it looks like from the perspective of someone who has experienced it long term. 

I also want to share with those of you who deal with Anxiety in your own lives what has helped me begin to overcome it. First, I have come to realize that there is no such thing as an empty box. I still have to remind myself of that before I open a new one, but truly, when you think about it, there is no such thing as a problem or a challenge with no next step. The next step might not always be appealing, but it always exists- for all the boxes I thought were empty, I have never actually had my entire life come to a halt; it always somehow moves forward. Sometimes the only thing in the box is prayer, but in my experience it is the best option I could hope for, and should be the first next step I take from any box. The second important thing I have learned (with the help of wise counsel) is that the boxes generally get less and less full the longer I leave them unopened. The longer I wait to face my challenges, the less options I will have for the next step.

If you struggle with anxiety, I encourage you to share it with someone you trust. They may not understand initially but I challenge you to take some time to walk them through it; it is healing to feel like there is someone with you when you encounter particularly intimidating “boxes”. If you don’t have anyone you feel comfortable processing with,  feel free to email me- I can’t offer much more than an ear, but sometimes that’s just what you need!

REJECTED- Getting Over It

We've all been where this guy is at, though hopefully to a much lesser extent. My last two posts were all about learning to recognize when a person is not interested in you romantically. Today's post will hopefully provide some insight into how to deal with all those feelings of rejection, inadequacy, etc. after not only scenarios in which your person of interest is not interested in you, but also breakups, getting fired, not being offered a position you desire, or being flat turned down. 

 I started out my preparation for this blog by first surveying my Facebook friends about what they do to handle rejection, and they gave me some great examples of both what to do and what not to do. I will start with a few examples of what not to do.

• Egging the person's car or any other forms of vandalism. You are not 12. And if you are 12, still don't do it. Seriously.
• Any form of practical joke- whether it's ordering 30 pizzas to be delivered to their house or putting their number on a telemarketing call list, it is NOT sane or ok to be spiteful, vindictive or petty towards a person (ever, but particularly) for rejecting you.
• Spreading gossip about that person. Even if it's true, it'll make you look as bad as them. Consider the fact that if the person is really all that terrible, it reflects on your poor judgement for having been interested in them. Be the bigger person, don't discuss them at all if you can't be kind and constructive.
• Avoiding the person (if you're friends, just act normal).
• Asking God to change their mind, He knows your heart, and He also knows theirs. If you are destined to be with that person, God will make it happen at the right time, and you really wouldn't want it to happen under any other circumstances. 
• Refusing to listen to sound wisdom and encouragement that friends and family provide.
• Sulking. You can allow yourself a reasonable interval to feel like crap- but set a time limit. Make plans for a few days after the fact and don't let yourself skip them, even if you still don't feel all that social.
• Talking it over and over and over with any friends who will listen. They will secretly or openly resent you for it, and every time you re-hash every dadgum interaction you ever had with the person who rejected you, you are ripping off the scab, reopening the wound and refusing to heal.

Here are some examples of reactions and coping mechanisms that aren't ideal, but are acceptable and even therapeutic in moderation:

• Cry. Let it out! Our tears are actually one of our body's best, most effective methods of ridding itself of stress hormones. If you feel like you want to cry, don't hold it in- let it out, but set a limit on it. Some people are like fire hydrants, where once they start crying, it's difficult to stop. If this describes you, a few helpful tips: Try to go somewhere cold, like a walk-in refrigerator- you'll cry, but the cold will help your body calm down more quickly. If you don't have a walk-in fridge or cold weather outside to utilize, stick your head in the freezer for a couple of minutes, or splash cold water on your face. Amazingly effective.
• Watching a good, upbeat movie or rereading a favorite book. A lot of women in particular favor watching chick-flicks, but I recommend comedies and action movies, or perhaps movies where the protagonist discovers him/herself and/or accomplishes something other than a relationship. It's kind of rubbing salt in the wound to watch fictional, unattainable relationships in the midst of your own rejection.
• Eat chocolate. The darker, the better- it's not just an old wives' tale, chocolate has two chemical properties that encourage happiness and contentment. First, it has caffeine and sugar, which will help you feel a bit more energized- great for staving off depression. Secondly, it contains endorphins, which are a natural hormone that encourages a feeling of happiness and well-being.
• Exercise. No really! The endorphins help, and sometimes running as hard and fast as you can just wears you out and empties your head- you can block out the negative thoughts for a minute, and it forces you to breathe. More than once, immediately after a bad breakup I took a run (and I am NOT a runner), and just wearing myself out, being out of breath, it kept the hurt at bay in those initial hours. Eventually you'll have to face your feelings, but this is ok to do initially.

Now for the best I can offer- HOW TO cope with rejection in a healthy, positive way:

• Accept the truth that just because a specific person is not interested in you doesn't mean there is something WRONG with you. There can be (and usually is) a number of reasonable factors that are outside of your control that lead to a person's disinterest in you. Obsessing over why they don't like you will create useless insecurity. 
• Move on. I know better than to recommend this as some sort of immediate thing- I know it will take time, but allow it to happen. Wallowing and obsessing and refusing to let go won't help.
• Spend time with your friends; allow them to lift you up and encourage you. 

"A friend loves at all times" (Proverbs 17:17)

• Turn to God, and to His Word. When you're hurting, it can almost feel cliche to have someone tell you yet again that God loves you, He has your best interests at heart, and will never forsake you, but it's TRUE! Keep the following in mind: 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18)

God says, "I will turn the darkness to light before them and make the rough places smooth... I will not forsake them." (Isaiah 42:16)

"He extends compassion and comfort to you, which, in turn, you can give to others" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

"The Lord will not reject His people; He will never forsake His inheritance" (Psalm 94:14)

• Accept God's plan and remember that He knows what's best.

"Praise be to God, who has NOT rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!" (Psalm 66:20)

"I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation." (Psalm 13:5)

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" (Deuteronomy 31:8)

• Actively seek the Lord and turn outward, serving others. It will help you get outside your own selfish complaints and will give God opportunities to move you where you need to be. It is not enough to try to get away from negative thoughts, you have to actively move towards positive things.

"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." (Genesis 4:7) 

"There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1)

• And lastly, forgive the person who rejects you, don't hold grudges.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13) 

And HEY, It's gonna be OK. Really.

"It's been over ten minutes since you last texted me- are you breaking up with me?!?!"

Dear Suzy,
I seem to have a tendency to be attracted to girls who ultimately turn out to be... well, they run the gamut between dramatic and downright crazy. I'm beginning to get the feeling that there must be indicators, warning signs that I've been missing before I get into these relationships. Are there any subtle symptoms of drama or craziness that I should look for before I get involved with a new girl?

Paranoid,

Ron in Gryffindor

Dear Ron,

I'll list a few attributes and behaviors for you below that I would classify as RED or ORANGE flags. These mean either DON'T PROCEED or Proceed With EXTREME Caution. And for my female readers, pay attention to what seemingly normal behaviors might be indicative of your own unattractive habits. Also bear in mind that most of these can be reversed and used to discern red flags for potential boyfriends as well, but for the sake of simplicity I will only use feminine pronouns.

• If she has a long list of "ex boyfriends" but has never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 3 months. Red Flag.
• If every single one of her exes is "a total jerk." Either this means she lacks wisdom and discernment about who she should be getting into relationships with, that she has trouble/is incapable of recognizing her own flaws and faults that might contribute to a relationship, or straddles some line between driving her boyfriends to extreme measures within the relationship to get rid of her and finding fault in every innocent gesture or mistake her boyfriend might make. Red Flag.
• If she has NO long-term friendships with other females. Orange Flag.
• If she has no healthy friendships at all with other females. Red Flag.
• If you have mutual friends that you feel you can probably trust, and you ask them about her, and they... hesitate before answering, and use vague terms- don't let your attraction cloud your judgement so much that you ignore this fairly obvious sign! Really pay attention, ask specific questions- if they give vague or qualifying answers, they probably know something they don't feel comfortable sharing, but it prevents them from giving their friend a glowing reference. If you are comfortably close with the mutual friend, try to press them for as much honest opinion as they feel comfortable sharing. Orange/Red Flag, depending on what they say.
• If she is loud, fixated, even obsessed with her status as a single person- talks about dating, relationships, her preferences, her desirability, even if she simply talks too loud and too often about how satisfied she is being single (thou dost protesteth too much?). This can be an indication that it's not necessarily YOU she likes, but the companionship you can provide for her. The caveat to this particular sign is you need to take great care when determining this about her- if she has friends who are obsessive about relationships, it can be deceptive, and appear that your prospective interest is equally obsessed because she is present during those conversations her friends are initiating. I'd classify this as a Light Orange Flag.
• Ask your guy friends (allow them total freedom for honesty without repercussion)  whether they see any possible issues with the girl, and if so, why do they think that. It is up to you to determine the trustworthiness, honesty and actual familiarity your friend has with you and the gal in question, but be honest with yourself- if you are talking to your BEST FRIEND and he knows you really well, and he has had reasonable opportunity to interact with this gal, listen to him. Heed his opinions. This is potentially an Orange or Red Flag.
• Does she seem immature for her age? Does she seem immature for your age? Don't go into the relationship acting under an assumption that she will "grow up". Red Flag.
• Did she seem to develop interest in you after learning something specific about your material posessions, such as your car, your income, your properties? Compound this question with whether she seems to put a great deal of stock into material things in her own life. Does she list Shopping as one of her favorite hobbies? This is only an Orange Flag, though.
• Reflect on your own tendencies. Have you been in the habit of dating women when they express interest in you first? Is it possible you tend to only date as a result of flattery or convenience, rather than your own actual taste? Now look at your current interest- what do you like about her other than her apparent interest in you? If this series of questions brings any doubt to your mind, consider it a Red Flag. 
• Watch her interactions with her friends in public closely. If her closer friends appear exasperated with her, or anxious to not be overly closely associated with her, that can be an Orange Flag. Or her friends might be jerks. Pay attention to the personalities of her friends to determine which one is most likely.
• As a friend/potential future boyfriend, can she stand to go a few days without contacting you? If she is already highly communicative with you, this is an indication that she will be AT LEAST the same level of "in touch" once you are in a relationship. Bear in mind that some people are just that communicative with everybody, so this is only an Orange Flag if you ask around and find that she is not nearly as in touch with anybody else.
• This one is a Biggie! Please pay attention, because one of my posts in the coming week will be expanding on this extremely important warning sign! Has she not been single for more than a few months since she started dating, or in a very, very long time? That is to say, is she ever long without being in a relationship? Can she stand to be single? If she can't manage to be happy by herself, this is a HUGE RED FLAG!!!!! I recognize there are some rare cases that have reasonable people in reasonable circumstances. But more likely, this person is addicted to companionship. It is less about who they are in a relationship with and more about being in a relationship at all. I'll expand more on this in my future post, though.

Ok, this list seems long enough, hopefully I have given you enough to chew on and haven't unwittingly incriminated any of my friends in the process. I am working on an in-depth series of blogs in which I will be providing translations from Girl Code into terms that men can better understand, and then provide the reverse service for my female readers. I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!! Please click on the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page, and send me any questions you've been dying to have answered about the opposite sex. Hopefully I can make us all more conversationally fluent in Martian and Venusian.