"It's been over ten minutes since you last texted me- are you breaking up with me?!?!"

Dear Suzy,
I seem to have a tendency to be attracted to girls who ultimately turn out to be... well, they run the gamut between dramatic and downright crazy. I'm beginning to get the feeling that there must be indicators, warning signs that I've been missing before I get into these relationships. Are there any subtle symptoms of drama or craziness that I should look for before I get involved with a new girl?

Paranoid,

Ron in Gryffindor

Dear Ron,

I'll list a few attributes and behaviors for you below that I would classify as RED or ORANGE flags. These mean either DON'T PROCEED or Proceed With EXTREME Caution. And for my female readers, pay attention to what seemingly normal behaviors might be indicative of your own unattractive habits. Also bear in mind that most of these can be reversed and used to discern red flags for potential boyfriends as well, but for the sake of simplicity I will only use feminine pronouns.

• If she has a long list of "ex boyfriends" but has never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 3 months. Red Flag.
• If every single one of her exes is "a total jerk." Either this means she lacks wisdom and discernment about who she should be getting into relationships with, that she has trouble/is incapable of recognizing her own flaws and faults that might contribute to a relationship, or straddles some line between driving her boyfriends to extreme measures within the relationship to get rid of her and finding fault in every innocent gesture or mistake her boyfriend might make. Red Flag.
• If she has NO long-term friendships with other females. Orange Flag.
• If she has no healthy friendships at all with other females. Red Flag.
• If you have mutual friends that you feel you can probably trust, and you ask them about her, and they... hesitate before answering, and use vague terms- don't let your attraction cloud your judgement so much that you ignore this fairly obvious sign! Really pay attention, ask specific questions- if they give vague or qualifying answers, they probably know something they don't feel comfortable sharing, but it prevents them from giving their friend a glowing reference. If you are comfortably close with the mutual friend, try to press them for as much honest opinion as they feel comfortable sharing. Orange/Red Flag, depending on what they say.
• If she is loud, fixated, even obsessed with her status as a single person- talks about dating, relationships, her preferences, her desirability, even if she simply talks too loud and too often about how satisfied she is being single (thou dost protesteth too much?). This can be an indication that it's not necessarily YOU she likes, but the companionship you can provide for her. The caveat to this particular sign is you need to take great care when determining this about her- if she has friends who are obsessive about relationships, it can be deceptive, and appear that your prospective interest is equally obsessed because she is present during those conversations her friends are initiating. I'd classify this as a Light Orange Flag.
• Ask your guy friends (allow them total freedom for honesty without repercussion)  whether they see any possible issues with the girl, and if so, why do they think that. It is up to you to determine the trustworthiness, honesty and actual familiarity your friend has with you and the gal in question, but be honest with yourself- if you are talking to your BEST FRIEND and he knows you really well, and he has had reasonable opportunity to interact with this gal, listen to him. Heed his opinions. This is potentially an Orange or Red Flag.
• Does she seem immature for her age? Does she seem immature for your age? Don't go into the relationship acting under an assumption that she will "grow up". Red Flag.
• Did she seem to develop interest in you after learning something specific about your material posessions, such as your car, your income, your properties? Compound this question with whether she seems to put a great deal of stock into material things in her own life. Does she list Shopping as one of her favorite hobbies? This is only an Orange Flag, though.
• Reflect on your own tendencies. Have you been in the habit of dating women when they express interest in you first? Is it possible you tend to only date as a result of flattery or convenience, rather than your own actual taste? Now look at your current interest- what do you like about her other than her apparent interest in you? If this series of questions brings any doubt to your mind, consider it a Red Flag. 
• Watch her interactions with her friends in public closely. If her closer friends appear exasperated with her, or anxious to not be overly closely associated with her, that can be an Orange Flag. Or her friends might be jerks. Pay attention to the personalities of her friends to determine which one is most likely.
• As a friend/potential future boyfriend, can she stand to go a few days without contacting you? If she is already highly communicative with you, this is an indication that she will be AT LEAST the same level of "in touch" once you are in a relationship. Bear in mind that some people are just that communicative with everybody, so this is only an Orange Flag if you ask around and find that she is not nearly as in touch with anybody else.
• This one is a Biggie! Please pay attention, because one of my posts in the coming week will be expanding on this extremely important warning sign! Has she not been single for more than a few months since she started dating, or in a very, very long time? That is to say, is she ever long without being in a relationship? Can she stand to be single? If she can't manage to be happy by herself, this is a HUGE RED FLAG!!!!! I recognize there are some rare cases that have reasonable people in reasonable circumstances. But more likely, this person is addicted to companionship. It is less about who they are in a relationship with and more about being in a relationship at all. I'll expand more on this in my future post, though.

Ok, this list seems long enough, hopefully I have given you enough to chew on and haven't unwittingly incriminated any of my friends in the process. I am working on an in-depth series of blogs in which I will be providing translations from Girl Code into terms that men can better understand, and then provide the reverse service for my female readers. I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!! Please click on the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page, and send me any questions you've been dying to have answered about the opposite sex. Hopefully I can make us all more conversationally fluent in Martian and Venusian.

Quintessential Archie Andrews Quandary

Dear Suzy,

I like two different guys, what’s the best way to choose who I should date long term?  They are both gaining interest and I enjoy hanging out with both.

Flummoxed,

Ginny in The Burrow

Dear Ginny,

The best way for me to answer your questions is to provide a few questions of my own for you to ask yourself. Answer them in order, and if and only if your answer is "I don't know" or "both", move on to the next question:

1) Which person do you like better?

2) Which one do the trusted people in your life like better?

3) Which one has actually asked you out on a date? (if "neither", move on, or wait until one asks you out before you decide)

4) If both were to ask you out on a date for the same night, which one would you prefer to go with, or another way of putting it, which one would you be willing to move the other around to accommodate?

5) Which one do you most feel like yourself with? Which can you be yourself comfortably with?

6) & 7) Is either of them (or both of them) a good match for where you are in your life spiritually, professionally, socially? Which is the better match?

8) Which person, when you spend time with him, do you enjoy yourself more with?

If you answered "neither" to #2, #5 or #6, don't date either one- move on! or at least, really reflect before you get more serious with them

If you haven't gotten clarity by the time you finish answering all 8 of these questions, here are some tips:

1) be clear, open and honest with both of your suitors- continue dating them but don't allow yourself to get serious with one without letting the other know and discontinuing the second budding relationship. 

2) Set yourself strict, clear boundaries that you will not cross until you've chosen just one relationship to pursue whole-heartedly. (An example might be don't kiss either until you pick one- this will keep stronger emotions and attachments at bay). 

3) Eventually, you will begin to develop a stronger bond with one than with the other- regularly "check in" with yourself so that you identify when that starts happening as quickly as possible, so that you don't continue leading on the other contender longer than necessary and waste his time. 

Last and most importantly, 

4) Be content with your choice once you've made it. The right choice is the one you make, and if it turns out not to be the case, the relationship will run its course naturally. If you are constantly second guessing the choice you made, it will harm what may otherwise have been a great relationship. Moreover, if you are constantly comparing your chosen boyfriend to the "one that you let go", he will quickly come to resent it- even if you only do it privately, he will be able to sense it to some extent. But if you allow yourself to enjoy the relationship you choose, it will come to one of two natural conclusions. Don't allow yourself to doubt the choice you made if the relationship ends- life happens.

Once again I encourage my readers to write in! Please send me your questions, comments, criticisms- I welcome them all! Remember, I will take any question you throw at me, not just dating and relationships. I am a certified Chef, I can even answer questions about recipes and food! Just click the "Email Us" link on the right hand side of this page, or write in to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com. Thank you!