I'm getting published! (With your help)

I've written a book! 

Love & The Art Of Saying No: A journey out of co-dependence, people-pleasing, and over-commitment

And I'd really like to see it published. I truly believe there are a lot of people in the world who will benefit from reading this book. So I set up a campaign on Kickstarter to fund the publishing costs. You can click through to learn more about the book and how to pre-order it through Kickstarter here:

artofnobook.com/kickstarter

The campaign ends on September 5! If it is not 100% funded by September 5, this book will not be published for a very long time if ever. 

I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU!

Please check out the link and consider becoming a backer. There are several options where you can go in on a package together with your friends, so consider if you have anyone you'd like to split a package with to get a better deal!

And spread the word! Follow the book's page on Facebook to receive updates on the campaign and publishing timeline.

How To Make A Person You Love Feel Loved

A couple weeks ago, my husband was paying the toll bill, and I apologized to him that it was much higher than usual because I had taken the toll road several times that month to make sure I wasn't late for class. We are financially fairly comfortable, but we have recently had several car issues, and our budget is pretty tight right now. 

His response inspired me to write this.

"Love, it's a lot less expensive for you to take the toll road every day if you need to than for us to pay for you to have to re-take those classes. Especially with how hard that would be on you emotionally. Take it if you need to & we'll finish this semester."

So much wisdom for such a young man. His response to my apology was both rational and incredibly empathetic. I am just 50 days from my last day of graduate school, (I like to think my last day of school ever), and the added pressure of knowing how stressful and complicated it would be for me to drop or flunk a class this semester, pushing back my graduation and forcing me to pay twice for a class, has been extremely difficult.

I feel my husband had every right to be a bit annoyed with me, or to at least appreciate my apology, for spending money outside our budget on something that is technically optional. The degree of thought that had to go in to his response seems to me to have been happening along the way, so that in the moment, he was able to instantly consider my needs and the bigger picture, and just be incredibly understanding of what that expensive little shortcut meant to me.

So I just want to say this. A truly solid, positive relationship- any relationship, not just marriage- is a lot easier when your logic accounts for the less tangible needs of the other in the relationship. It's been 2 weeks and I can't get this interaction out of my head because I realized in that moment that I felt understood, taken care of, and completely safe to care for myself in this high pressure season of life. 

If you are in a relationship, give yourself time and opportunity to think about what the other is going through in life outside your time with them. Take the time to empathize and think about how they may be feeling at the end of their workday, or when they haven't gotten to do that thing that makes them feel good in a long time. Just thinking about this stuff when you have a chance will give you the same wisdom in the instant you'll need it someday. And when it does come up, that person will feel so loved by you. 100% worth the effort.

(P.S. This conversation actually happened during the week of our 3rd anniversary, and I just gotta brag and say that my husband is clearly nailing it.)

Overcoming Heartbreak: (Part III) The Spiritual

If you've been following my trilogy on Overcoming Heartbreak, you're here to read about the Spiritual aspect of overcoming heartbreak, which is really the most important side. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, feel free to scroll down to read the previous two posts which outline the Rational and Practical sides of the issue.

If it isn't obvious yet, this post will be strongly God-centric, so there's your disclaimer. I hope that even if you aren't "very religious" that you will read on, because there is so much great comfort and wisdom in scriptures, whether you "usually buy into it" or not- it may be a happy surprise to find relief for your heartbreak in an unexpected place.

I'll begin this by giving you the scriptural justifications for the advice I dished out for the Rational and Practical sides of this very quickly. Highlighted in blue like this are verses I strongly recommend memorizing, so that you can recall them whenever they are needed (yes, I know they're all good, these are just exceptionally applicable).

1. Be near people: 

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

2. Find People to Lean On: 

"As Iron sharpens Iron, so one man sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17)

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2)

"Let us not give up meeting together... but let us encourage one another" (Hebrews 10:25)

3. Get Moving, Be Active, Go Outside:

"Light is sweet, and it pleases the eyes to see the sun" (Ecclesiastes 11:7)

"Physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come" (1 Timothy 4:8)

4. Give and Serve:

"A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed" 

(Proverbs 11:25)

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32)

"Encourage one another and build each other up" (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

5. You'll Never Completely Forget, but That's OK:

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up" (Psalm 71:20)

"We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Corinthians 4:16-17)

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us" (Romans 5:3-5)

6. Don't Dwell, but Don't Run Away- Grieve and then Move On:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy" (Psalm 126:5)

"There is a time for everything... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" (Ecclesiastes 3:1,4)

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me... This I call to mind and therefore I have hope" (Lamentations 3:19-20, 21)

7. Reclaim Your Joy- Don't Let Hurt or Bitterness Color the Things You Love:

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things" (Philippians 4:8)

"See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (Hebrews 12:15)

So, what comfort can you have in God? Why should you turn to scripture and prayer when you are gripped with heartbreak and hurt?

"...everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the scriptures we might have hope" (Romans 15:4)

Hope. Hope and Joy are the difference between those who turn to faith in rough times, and those who turn to other sources of distraction or medication. 

• He brings rest and security: 

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge" (Psalm 62:5-7)

• He gives patience and contentment: 

"If we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently" (Romans 8:25)

• He gives Boldness, Courage and Assurance: 

"You have been my hope, O sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth" (Psalm 71:5)

"Since we have such a hope, we are very bold" (2 Corinthians 3:12)

"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death" (Philippians 1:20)

• He gives Joy, Perseverance and Comfort:

"May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you" (Psalm 33:22)

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12)

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" 

(Psalm 34:18)

• Take joy in the knowledge that God has a plan and a purpose for your life:

"In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will" (Ephesians 1:11)

• And He is Faithful, he isn't going anywhere:

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness... The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him" (Lamentations 3:22-23, 25)

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" 

(Psalm 34:18)

• There is soooo much more comfort to be had from the Bible, but to wrap this up:

"Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have recieved from God" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Overcoming Heartbreak: (Part II) The Rational

The Rational

Continuing my trilogy on overcoming all kinds of heartbreak, today I will explore the rational side of recovery. If you missed part 1, just scroll down to the previous post to get caught up.

What does Rational mean?

According to dictionary.reference.com, 

ra·tion·al 

adjective

1.

agreeable to reason; reasonable; sensible

2.

having or exercising reason, sound judgment, or good sense

3.

being in or characterized by full possession of one's reason; sane; lucid

4.

endowed with the faculty of reason

5.

of, pertaining to, or consulting reasoning powers

This is a major factor in heartbreak, as I'm sure you can guess, because hurt makes us feel a little bit crazy. We feel out of our element, out of our senses, and out of touch with our "usual" selves. So how can find our footing in the real world again?

First, remember that while this feels totally special and exclusive to you, that nobody else could possibly know just what you're going through, you're not alone, you're not the first person that has ever felt this way. I am aware that this isn't exactly a consolation for 99% of you, but it's important to establish that baseline so that you realize, the statements I am making to help all sorts of people may be able to help you, too! So just give them a try, what'll it hurt?

Next, let's talk for a second about a reaction I have seen consistently from every person I've seen hurt, including myself- Reading Significance Into EVERYTHING! If you are heartbroken because of a loss of someone through death, read the following blue paragraph before continuing. If you are not, feel free to skip down to the rest of the purple.

Now, if you are dealing with an "organic" heartbreak, such as the death of a loved one, significant dates, places and objects will be important to  keep your loved one in memory. Unfortunately, that is the effect that significance has on everything. Even when dealing with healthy, natural grief, it can and will eventually stunt your emotional and rational progress through the stages of grieving if you fail to identify when you are dwelling excessively. So RATIONALLY what you need to do is identify a handful of significant things, like a keepsake, anniversary, birth-date, death-date, one or two special places that hold meaning. The key word here is handful; if you've ever watched the show Hoarders, that is a physical representation of what happens in our hearts, minds, and sometimes our houses when we feel we can not dare dissociate our loved one from every single object that initially reminds us of them. Keep their memory, but remember that they probably would want you to move on with your life, and enjoy the time you have without them if you can. So gradually take rational steps towards remembering them sweetly when you see that baseball hat on your dresser, or put that necklace on in the morning, or when you realize it's their birthday, and then go outside and live your own life completely and happily, in honor of that memory.

For those of you dealing with heartbreaks more along the lines of a broken relationship, be it romantic or close friend, I'm about to give you a step by step plan. We all have those times where it seems like everything reminds us of them; that's the coffee shop where we had our second date, that's the song that was on the radio when we said I love you for the first time, He loves the Dallas Cowboys and now I can't stand to stay in the city for fear of being reminded of that, her favorite color is blue and now I want to cry all over again every time I see anyone in a blue shirt, WHY CAN'T EVERYBODY JUST STOP WEARING BLUE FOREVER!? You can see where it gets irrational, but it's an amazingly fine line! Now prepare yourself- this is a practice in disciplined rationality and self control! It only works if you want it to. 

~ The object is to systematically lower the significance of the more every-day reminders you have in your life of whatever is causing you hurt.

1. Start with realizing that you will never erase your memory, and that's a good thing- someday, some of those memories will be sweet without hurting, too. 

2. When you come to a point where you want to avoid something because it reminds you of your loss, stop yourself- don't let yourself dwell, and don't run away. Let yourself feel that initial zing of emotion and hurt in your chest, and then be conscious of its fading away as you come to terms with whatever significance you just recognized. 

3. Now ask yourself a couple of questions:

• Did I like this before it was associated with this person?
• Would I have liked this if I had found it without this person?
• Would I have to significantly change my habits or way of life to avoid this reminder?
• Do I have any positive associations with this momentum that are not related to this person?

4. If the answer to any of the above is yes, work on realizing that it is worth removing the significance of this particular person. If you liked it before, it's YOURS! Don't let your heartbreak take that enjoyment from you! If it's a television show, watch some new episodes you never watched with them, so that you have your own independent experience to cite when you consider your opinion of it. If it's a restaurant or a place you enjoy visiting, make a date to meet someone different, a friend or sister or brother, even a business associate, at that place- remove the sentimental significance so that it becomes, once again, a restaurant you happen to like. 

I have a favorite coffee shop that I happened to go to on my first date with my most recent boyfriend. I remember when I instinctively went to go there to study a few weeks after we broke up, I almost turned around and had to sit in the parking lot for a few minutes to soak in the flood of sweet memories that came over me of that night. Finally, though, I thought- this was my favorite place before I told him about it, and sure, I had my first date with him over in that corner, but I also had an important conversation with "Jane" at that other table, and talked to a stranger about my faith in that chair over there, and I've flirted with the barristas over that counter every time for the last 2 years! This is MY place, not mine and his! And while I still have fleeting thoughts of him sometimes when I sit in that particular corner, I acknowledge it and then let it go, and enjoy my coffee.

5. Significant dates are impossible to avoid. It will not help your life to sour your mood for the whole day or stay in bed. But the funny thing about significant dates is, there's usually some other significance they can represent and share! When your anniversary date comes around post-breakup, don't stay home moping, look Facebook to see if any of your friends have a birthday that day- now it's not "the day that used to be your anniversary" it's "so and so's birthday". If there is no alternative significance to be had, MAKE A NEW MEMORY!!!!! Instead of sulking and perpetuating the misery of that day by adding more and more negative associations to it, call up a friend and go do something new that you've never done before or don't do often enough. Then, next year, when that day rolls around and the memory of that relationship tries to tug on your sleeve, you can immediately be reminded that that was why you went out that night and had a blast rollerblading with your friend Steve.

And finally, learn to find a bit of humor in those things you attach significance to. I once started feeling nostalgic about a guy I was never even all that attached to because I was driving a road I had only ever taken before to get to his house. Then I realized how silly it was to associate emotional significance to a chunk of the interstate! Once you get to where you can find a little humor, the hurt will instantly fade.

Tune in tomorrow for The Spiritual side of recovery.

Overcoming Heartbreak: (Part I) The Practical

Hey Suzy,

   What advice would you give someone who struggles with abandonment?  I know a guy who is still carrying a torch for a girl he broke up with four years ago and just isn't able to move on with life. He also has a real hard time trusting people and will rarely call, even guys, if he needs help.  In short, he's a mess... I'm interested to read what you think.

Concerned,

Nick Carroway

Dear Nick,

The best I can do is write as though I am talking to your friend, because it's- er, well, it's just easier for me to think that way. My response to your excellent, heartfelt question will come in 3 parts over the next few days, because I think it is such an important one and I don't want to over-summarize anything.

To Nick's friend, and any reader who finds him/herself struggling to overcome rejection or heartbreak, or to move on from other rough times:

First of all, don't feel like you're odd, abnormal, or strange. If you feel like you're taking this harder than people expect you to, or it is taking longer to get over this than others think it should, don't allow that perception to add anxiety to your life. There are no prescribed, set time limits on recovering from heartbreak- everyone is different, and every relationship is different, and will therefore leave different sized wounds in their wake.

Now, I'm not saying that there's no such thing as taking too long to recover or move on- that is definitely not true. Depression, dwelling, sulking- these are all real and they are not healthy. But the purpose now is, regardless of however long you have lingered in your hurt, to Start Moving Forward. 

There are three equally important components to emotional recovery: 

The Practical, the Rational, and the Spiritual

The Practical component is important because our minds so often follow our actions. It gives us something to do, not only to start moving again, but also to fill in the meantime while our brains and our hearts catch up. And the practical suggestions I am about to list all have a direct link to boosting the health of your brain and heart:

• Be Near People: If you have allowed yourself to get caught up in your misery, chances are extremely good that your social life has suffered. So move up one step at a time towards regaining normal social interactions again. I know it feels difficult and miserable for some of you to even think about being around people while in your state of mind, but these interactions are Integral in getting OUT of that state of mind! 

If you've gone fully reclusive, just get out of your house and be around others- you don't even have to talk (the first time), just be near them. 

If you've kept up habits of going to places like work and church, but you cringe or freeze at the thought of initiating small-talk when the weight of the world is on your shoulders, take the plunge, BE A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE! Ultimately you need to work towards the next step

• Find People to Lean On: Chances are, it's not going to be difficult to find them once you're motivated to do so. There are probably people in your life who are or were in touch at the time of your heartbreak, who offered to be there for you or attempted to console you. You may have rejected their attention, and you may even feel like you missed your opportunity. To that I say, give people more credit. You are resilient and so are your old friends. If you call them or facebook message them and invite them to grab a coffee and catch up, they may be confused, but they'll probably show up.

I acknowledge, some apologies may be in order- we can say and do some pretty harsh things when we're hurting. But if you'll be a little uncomfortable, just for a moment, and sincerely own your part, Amazing things will happen, I PROMISE. You're likely to have a stronger friendship than before.

• Get Moving: Be active. We've all heard it before, but exercise causes the body to produce and release endorphins, which are a hormone that makes us feel good, happy, content. I'm not saying you have to go run, though it would work- but add some activity to your day. 

We often get into these ugly cycles of depression and sedentary lifestyles, where we're too sad, lonely, depressed to get up and DO, and then we're bored, alone, tired, lacking energy, which makes us sad, lonely, depressed. Go outside and get a little sun- heck, make it a goal to get a light sunburn, just to feel that warmth and glow (I'm not condoning irresponsible exposure to the sun, but odds are pretty good it has been a long time since you've had a long day in the sun- am I right?). Vitamin D is essential to brain and body function, and lack of it can contribute to depression and ill health.

• Give and Serve: If you read my blog much you know this is my personal super cure for anything that ails you (psychologically, anyway). But in all seriousness, if you can get outside your own self-made shell of woes for just a couple of hours, and serve people with- I won't say bigger, but different problems, and play a small part in alleviating their problems, it will do 2 things:

1. It'll give you a dose of perspective, remind you of the bigger picture, and break you of the solitary room of selfishness our own hurts can sometimes (often?) banish us to.
2. It will remind you of what you DO have- realizing even a few blessings like a bed to sleep in or food in your stomach can open the door to all sorts of other positive thoughts.

The moral of this component is, Get out of yourself and Be A Little Uncomfortable. It is necessary, and if you think about it, where has your comfort zone gotten you so far? It's really not the reliable friend you've come to think it is.

I'll address the other two components in my next two posts, I encourage you once again to send me more awesome questions like Nick's! Simply click the "Email Us" link on the right hand side of the page, or email me at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com

REJECTED- Getting Over It

We've all been where this guy is at, though hopefully to a much lesser extent. My last two posts were all about learning to recognize when a person is not interested in you romantically. Today's post will hopefully provide some insight into how to deal with all those feelings of rejection, inadequacy, etc. after not only scenarios in which your person of interest is not interested in you, but also breakups, getting fired, not being offered a position you desire, or being flat turned down. 

 I started out my preparation for this blog by first surveying my Facebook friends about what they do to handle rejection, and they gave me some great examples of both what to do and what not to do. I will start with a few examples of what not to do.

• Egging the person's car or any other forms of vandalism. You are not 12. And if you are 12, still don't do it. Seriously.
• Any form of practical joke- whether it's ordering 30 pizzas to be delivered to their house or putting their number on a telemarketing call list, it is NOT sane or ok to be spiteful, vindictive or petty towards a person (ever, but particularly) for rejecting you.
• Spreading gossip about that person. Even if it's true, it'll make you look as bad as them. Consider the fact that if the person is really all that terrible, it reflects on your poor judgement for having been interested in them. Be the bigger person, don't discuss them at all if you can't be kind and constructive.
• Avoiding the person (if you're friends, just act normal).
• Asking God to change their mind, He knows your heart, and He also knows theirs. If you are destined to be with that person, God will make it happen at the right time, and you really wouldn't want it to happen under any other circumstances. 
• Refusing to listen to sound wisdom and encouragement that friends and family provide.
• Sulking. You can allow yourself a reasonable interval to feel like crap- but set a time limit. Make plans for a few days after the fact and don't let yourself skip them, even if you still don't feel all that social.
• Talking it over and over and over with any friends who will listen. They will secretly or openly resent you for it, and every time you re-hash every dadgum interaction you ever had with the person who rejected you, you are ripping off the scab, reopening the wound and refusing to heal.

Here are some examples of reactions and coping mechanisms that aren't ideal, but are acceptable and even therapeutic in moderation:

• Cry. Let it out! Our tears are actually one of our body's best, most effective methods of ridding itself of stress hormones. If you feel like you want to cry, don't hold it in- let it out, but set a limit on it. Some people are like fire hydrants, where once they start crying, it's difficult to stop. If this describes you, a few helpful tips: Try to go somewhere cold, like a walk-in refrigerator- you'll cry, but the cold will help your body calm down more quickly. If you don't have a walk-in fridge or cold weather outside to utilize, stick your head in the freezer for a couple of minutes, or splash cold water on your face. Amazingly effective.
• Watching a good, upbeat movie or rereading a favorite book. A lot of women in particular favor watching chick-flicks, but I recommend comedies and action movies, or perhaps movies where the protagonist discovers him/herself and/or accomplishes something other than a relationship. It's kind of rubbing salt in the wound to watch fictional, unattainable relationships in the midst of your own rejection.
• Eat chocolate. The darker, the better- it's not just an old wives' tale, chocolate has two chemical properties that encourage happiness and contentment. First, it has caffeine and sugar, which will help you feel a bit more energized- great for staving off depression. Secondly, it contains endorphins, which are a natural hormone that encourages a feeling of happiness and well-being.
• Exercise. No really! The endorphins help, and sometimes running as hard and fast as you can just wears you out and empties your head- you can block out the negative thoughts for a minute, and it forces you to breathe. More than once, immediately after a bad breakup I took a run (and I am NOT a runner), and just wearing myself out, being out of breath, it kept the hurt at bay in those initial hours. Eventually you'll have to face your feelings, but this is ok to do initially.

Now for the best I can offer- HOW TO cope with rejection in a healthy, positive way:

• Accept the truth that just because a specific person is not interested in you doesn't mean there is something WRONG with you. There can be (and usually is) a number of reasonable factors that are outside of your control that lead to a person's disinterest in you. Obsessing over why they don't like you will create useless insecurity. 
• Move on. I know better than to recommend this as some sort of immediate thing- I know it will take time, but allow it to happen. Wallowing and obsessing and refusing to let go won't help.
• Spend time with your friends; allow them to lift you up and encourage you. 

"A friend loves at all times" (Proverbs 17:17)

• Turn to God, and to His Word. When you're hurting, it can almost feel cliche to have someone tell you yet again that God loves you, He has your best interests at heart, and will never forsake you, but it's TRUE! Keep the following in mind: 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18)

God says, "I will turn the darkness to light before them and make the rough places smooth... I will not forsake them." (Isaiah 42:16)

"He extends compassion and comfort to you, which, in turn, you can give to others" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

"The Lord will not reject His people; He will never forsake His inheritance" (Psalm 94:14)

• Accept God's plan and remember that He knows what's best.

"Praise be to God, who has NOT rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!" (Psalm 66:20)

"I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation." (Psalm 13:5)

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" (Deuteronomy 31:8)

• Actively seek the Lord and turn outward, serving others. It will help you get outside your own selfish complaints and will give God opportunities to move you where you need to be. It is not enough to try to get away from negative thoughts, you have to actively move towards positive things.

"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." (Genesis 4:7) 

"There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1)

• And lastly, forgive the person who rejects you, don't hold grudges.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13) 

And HEY, It's gonna be OK. Really.

Men DECODED: Part 2~ Signs He's Just Not That Into You

Previously, we explored the treacherous world of female disinterest- for women, how to display it to thwart unwanted pursuers  and for men, how to recognize a hint when it has been dropped to save yourselves a little dignity in the midst of rejection.

Today, I'll be outlining the antithetical perspective (that means opposite, I've been studying for the GRE lately so expect a few vocabulary lessons bestrewn -sprinkled- throughout my upcoming posts), providing much needed insight for my readers of the fairer sex to know when it's time to move on from a crush, and tips for my male readers on how to let a gal down easy and hopefully avoid an awkward DTR (Defining The Relationship) talk. I encouraged my male readers to let me in on their personal methods for letting a woman know he's not interested, and a few of my friends came through for me. I will be intermingling their replies with my own observations, and yes, even a few hints that landed with me from men I was interested in in the past who successfully dropped the hint and have remained my friends afterwards.

1) If he says "You're a dear friend to me", he doesn't think of you as anything more significant than that. In his own mind, he is telling you that you are so important to him he doesn't want to risk losing you by putting your relationship in a place that may end with a breakup. Two important things to understand about this "friend-zoning". 

• Ladies- I know this is an unfair, silly idea and what is wrong with men that they don't recognize how silly it is to eliminate the best women in their lives- BELIEVE ME, I know! BUT there is NOTHING you can say or do that will make a guy change his opinions about this. ACCEPT it, and maybe someday God or his own brain will make him realize what a mistake it is to pass you up. In the meantime, MOVE ON. 
• Men- If you read the above tip and think, "that's exactly what's going on with me", I STRONGLY encourage, I Implore you to click the following link when you have 45 minutes to spare- it'll be an exceptionally wise use of your time. 

http://www.watermark.org/media/dating-on-target/2432/

• One further sidenote for my men, if you watch the video above, it will be your inclination to come up with any number of reasons why it's great advice for most people but you are the obvious exception for x, y, and z. NO YOU ARE NOT! It was WRITTEN for YOU! LISTEN to it! TALK to your friends about whether you are intentionally putting on mental earplugs to truth that you SHOULD hear because you think you are some kind of special case. In my observation, every one of the men that I spoke to who heard the message posted above told me why they consider themselves the exception to the intended audience. ALL of you can not be the exception! That's a logical fallacy! Whew, ok, getting down off my soapbox now.

*AHem* As I was saying, signs he's not interested:

2) Now this is one that a friend of mine actually said to me, I'm going to write his exact words for you verbatim  because the message was received LOUD and CLEAR and had no negative effect on my opinion of him or on our friendship: "So many girls mistake my friendliness for flirtation, or my flirtation for intention. I appreciate that you know that if I am interested in you, I will ask you out, and you don't over- analyze my flirtation if I have not actually asked you out!" Two things are happening here. First of all, he verbalized and clarified with me in the form of a compliment, giving me credit that I already knew what he was saying out loud to me, and making me feel more like he trusted me and appreciated my understanding. Second of all, he reiterated what should be a well understood fact that is evidently not well understood at all by the ladies of our generation. That is, ultimately, if he likes you, he will eventually ask you out. If he has been acting the same way with you for a long time (6+ months?) and has never asked you out, he's probably never going to. He's not into you. Move on.

3) This is another one that I'm drawing from personal experience. I was asking a friend of mine who I actually wasn't particularly interested in whether he would be going to a certain social function about a month in the future. He said "Yeah, If I go I'll probably bring a date..." And then he did not use that segue to ask me to be his date. Point Taken. If a man is talking to a woman, and he either unnecessarily confirms his plans to have a date for a particular function or comments on the need to find a date, and then does not IMMEDIATELY ask the woman he is talking to, he does not think of her in that way. He is not interested! Even if he is not intentionally using that opportunity to draw a clear line for her, if he liked you he would use that opportunity to do something about it.

4) If, in the middle of a conversation with you, a man is constantly watching his surroundings, and (especially when another woman comes in) he abruptly leaves or stops the conversation to go talk to someone else, he's not interested in you. Even some of the most ADD men have Juggernaut levels of intensity and focus when they have an opportunity to talk to the woman they wish to pursue. If there is some exceptional situation where a man HAS to interrupt you and leave, he will be apologetic and try to reestablish the conversation as soon as possible with you to make sure you know you are important. There are exceptions to this rule, but in every case, the guy is a rude jerk and you shouldn't care if he is interested.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juggernaut

5) If he EVER compares his relationship with you to that of a sibling, Move On.

6) If he talks about other women as potential prospects with you, Move On.

7) If he suggests other men you should consider dating, MOVE ON! No man will try to set up or divert the attention of the woman he is interested in. Ever.

Now that I've taught y'all how to recognize the signs that a person of the opposite sex is not interested in you and letting you know it, I'm not just going to leave you to wallow in your loneliness- That would be a pretty Jerk move on my part. Tune in to my next post to learn all about Dealing With Rejection in a healthy, productive way that can minimize your hurt. In the meantime, please send me your questions, love letters and hate-mail at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com or click the convenient "email us" link on the right-hand side of this page. Thanks!

Women DECODED: Part 2~ Signs She's Just Not That Into You

Dear Suzy,

I have a male friend I have known for a few months now. He is very friendly to everyone but the past few times I've seen him I've felt like he's been... Well... Super friendly. The hugs have gotten tighter, he sits to where he's touching me even if he has room to scooch, and he talks to me a LOT. I haven't had official confirmation of any kind but I feel as if this person is attracted to me and/or has a crush on me. I am not attracted to him through no fault of his own. How can I handle the situation and effectively friend-zone him without being mean/rude/pretentious?

Elizabeth in Longbourne

Dear Elizabeth,

I am going to take this opportunity in my reply to you, to add to my ongoing series which provides translations for both sexes to understand each other. I will write my tips as signs to the man, so they can easily identify when my female readers are giving them off. 

If you want to up your chances that the guy you're not interested in will get the hint, share this post on your Facebook and Twitter using the links below- maybe he'll read it!

Truly, the least uncomfortable rejections are those that never have to be verbalized. If the recipient can be aware enough of his (or her) surroundings to realize that his crush is not interested without forcing them to say so, it usually saves embarrassment for both!

However, it is not OK to put off these conversations in order to allow yourself to prolong false hope. If you are forever putting off asking a woman out, not only may you miss your window of opportunity, but there is a very good chance you are already picking up on one or more of the signs listed below, & however subconsciously it may be, you know that she's not interested and you are putting off her inevitable rejection. If you do not see these signs, or cannot help but believe your case is exceptional, MAN UP, muster your courage and ASK HER OUT- directly and in a way that requires a YES or a NO.

So what are the signs she's just not that into you?

• First of all, women are perceptive. We can often tell when a man we are acquainted with has developed feelings for us. If we realize or suspect that this is the case, we may change our behavior to discourage your interest. If there is a noticeable change in her comfort level with you since you started showing her special attention, this is probably a sign. Specific behaviors to consider:
• Her once full hugs have become half-hugs, her half-hugs have become high-fives or nothing at all.
• She is less available, always has a reason not to sit next to you, or avoids sitting next to you without citing a reason.

***I have heard more than one of my male friends justify when they see behavior like this from the object of their affection, convincing themselves that the woman they are "wooing" is so overwhelmed with flattery that she doesn't know how to react. It reminds me of the following scene in the book/movie Pride and Prejudice, which I will let speak for itself:

• When a woman is interested in a man, she will try to find opportunities to be around a that person. If she is even less available than usual, she is not interested. She may not have actually thought about it one way or another, but it is still a good indicator that she's not specifically attracted to you.
• If you call, text or otherwise initiate contact and she takes a long time (4+ days) to respond or does not respond at all, that's a pretty good sign she's not interested. We may not always reply super promptly, but we won't forget or ignore a man that we are interested in. However, just because she does reply promptly, that does not necessarily equate to her being interested in you- she may just be conscientious and prompt getting back with everyone who calls or texts her.
• Whenever you suggest that the two of you go do something together, she only seems interested as long as multiple other people come along (and those other people aren't couples).
• She talks about other men she is interested in in front of you. Yes, sometimes a woman will do this to appear desirable and wanted, so this is not a surefire sign, but in conjunction with other signs, this can tip the scales. Also the amount she's talking about other guys. A gal won't gush about another man in front of one she's interested in.
• She flirts with other men in front of you. See above caveat.
• She is more flirtatious with anyone other than you in the same setting.
• She is vague or noncommittal about plans when discussing them with you. For instance, you hear her talking about a party on friday night. "Oh, you're going to the party on friday, too?" She sort of pauses, or stutters, and says, "well, maaaaybe... I'm not sure. I might come, I really won't know until just before it starts..." She is making sure that if you come to the party, it's not solely on her account, and is also ensuring you don't suggest a car pool. Which leads me to my next point:
• She avoids being left alone with you, even if just for a moment at a party. It's not that she thinks you're going to attack her or something, but she may be avoiding any opening for a conversation in which you may put her in a position to have to reject you to your face. It may seem like kind of a jerk move because it may allow you to keep your hopes up longer, but honestly we really don't like to reject a man any more than he likes being rejected!
• I've mentioned this in a previous blog, but if she calls you "dude" or compares your relationship with her to that of a sibling, she is NOT INTERESTED.

My next post will be in similar form, letting my FEMALE readers know how they can tell when a MAN is not interested in them, and offering tips for my male readers on how to kindly make it clear to a woman that they are not interested in her. I ask my male readers to email me at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com and let me know, what do YOU do to let a woman know you don't think of her as anything more than a friend? Ladies, do you have any suggestions or signs that you give off that you think should be added to the list? Please post them in the comments section below!

Men Decoded: Lesson 1

This post is for you, gals! I asked my female readers to submit their questions about men, what they're thinking, and what they really mean. A few of you delivered, and after interviewing many young men and doing a bit of research, I have your first few questions!

1) Why do men often have such a hard time listening?

Studies have shown that men have a stronger ability to deactivate the listening centers in the brain, literally "tuning out" when they are focused on something else, even listening to something specific. Other studies have suggested that men have directional audio reception, meaning that they tend to hear better when the sound is coming directly towards their ears as opposed to their face or their back. You may notice that many people, particularly men, will slightly tilt their ear towards someone when they are intent on hearing that person- this is functional!

If you really want to increase your chances of a specific man hearing what you have to say, here are a few tips:

• Rather than sitting across from him, or insisting that he "look you in the eye" when you're talking to him, sit next to him or go for a walk, so that you are beside him while you're speaking. This actually helps him to hear you, and even as a woman, when someone is insisting I look them in the eye, I tend to be more focused on having an attentive facial expression and looking them in the eye than I am on what they are actually saying.
• Say his name, and confirm he heard you call him before you start telling him whatever it is you want him to hear. If he has his audio receptors tuned into whatever he is doing, or turned off altogether because he's not listening, it is likely you will be in the middle of what you are saying before he even realizes that you are speaking to him.
• I know my friends who are reading this will laugh at the hypocracy of this tip, but whenever possible, try to be concise, direct, and get to the point. Treat it a little like a high school english paper- give the main point first and then get into the finer details. This way, if the man you are speaking to has a short attention span, he will get the important content even if he zones out.

2) Do men really care about personality in a woman? 

I asked a number of my male friends this question, and the responses across the board were, pretty much, "Personality is extremely important, but there does have to be some physical attraction there too."

I know that many times we women can overlook a lot of physically unattractive characteristics in a man if his personality, motivation, and other non-visible traits are appealing enough. Even so, we still have things that we can't "get over"- whether we call it lack of chemistry, or can't quite put our fingers on it. Men are the same way- they DO value physical attractiveness, but that only takes them as far as our personalities will fall short. So it is two-fold, but have no fear- there are men with all kinds of physical preferences. Even if you don't necessarily fit into our culture's standard definitions of beauty, there are men out there who find you attractive.

3) Why don’t many men like to text?

Again I surveyed a number of men, and most of them gave the same response: Usually, I could tell you what I have to say faster and in better detail, and get feedback, by talking to you in voice rather than text messaging. While I still occasionally use text messages when I can't really talk, or I only need to say one small thing, it simply isn't the most efficient mode of communication.

A few other men said they text a lot and never would have expected a question like that. 

4) What do men consider clingy behavior?

In my experience, if he really, really likes the girl, not much. That is to say, I have seen more than one of my male friends complain about a girl being too in touch, and then when the same friends get a girlfriend, or even just start flirting with a girl they like, they can't seem to get enough of her.

The whole idea is relative, I think, because most of what is acceptable from a girlfriend could constitute clingy behavior from just a friend. Still, there are some things that are clingy behavior for a girlfriend, too.

A few things that are clingy pretty much across the board: 

• If you are texting and calling him every time, never allowing him time or opportunity to contact you first, 
• Getting offended when he doesn't respond to you in pretty much any amount of time short of a day 
• Showing up uninvited to his house on the first evening in two weeks you don't have plans "just to surprise him because you missed him".
• Counting the children you'll have with him someday before your 5th date

My best advice for women who worry about being perceived as clingy is this: When in doubt, don't. Or do, but half as much, half as often. And look for clues and signs as to when the man in question may be bothered, crowded or annoyed (I'll give that list as content in a later blog!), and make note what particular behavior may have caused it.

5) How do I know when a man is interested in me?

If he is really interested in you, eventually he will ask you out on a date. Until he does that, just be normal and friendly, and try not to read too deeply into everything he says or does.

I NEED MORE CONTENT!!!!! Please click the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page to submit your questions or requests for content, or send your emails to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com. Thanks!