I'm getting published! (With your help)

I've written a book! 

Love & The Art Of Saying No: A journey out of co-dependence, people-pleasing, and over-commitment

And I'd really like to see it published. I truly believe there are a lot of people in the world who will benefit from reading this book. So I set up a campaign on Kickstarter to fund the publishing costs. You can click through to learn more about the book and how to pre-order it through Kickstarter here:

artofnobook.com/kickstarter

The campaign ends on September 5! If it is not 100% funded by September 5, this book will not be published for a very long time if ever. 

I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU!

Please check out the link and consider becoming a backer. There are several options where you can go in on a package together with your friends, so consider if you have anyone you'd like to split a package with to get a better deal!

And spread the word! Follow the book's page on Facebook to receive updates on the campaign and publishing timeline.

"We'll See..."

"I don't like school, I'm too CREATIVE for regular college, I'm just going to go to culinary school; it's only 1 year and no boring stuff."

"We'll see..."

"Now that culinary school is over, I decided to just enroll in a class or two at the community college because I feel like I'm a little young to stop learning. I'm just gonna take classes that I find interesting though, I'm not actually like, going to college, cuz I'm not gonna do an actual degree program or anything."

"We'll see..."

"So it turns out I just need a few more classes to qualify for an associates' degree. I think I'm gonna go ahead and take them. Why not, you know? But I doubt I'll ever go for a whole bachelor's degree, I don't need it."

"We'll see..."

"I think I want to change careers. That associate's degree automatically qualifies me to enroll in any state college. I'm going to enroll at TWU and get a psych education so I can become a counselor. I have to do grad school for that, not sure I'll make it that far, my grades have never been good enough for scholarships or anything..."

"We'll see..."

Yesterday, I walked the stage to receive my Masters of Arts in Biblical Counseling from Dallas Theological Seminary. So much of my life, whenever I declare something about my future, my mom looks at me with this very specific, infuriating, all-knowing expression on her face of pure skepticism and exaggerated placating and says "We'll see...". 

I got my husband to catch that very look on camera yesterday when I told her I am DONE with school FOREVER! and I am NEVER GOING BACK!!!! So I could share it here:

I've learned to joke that I have to be careful what I say to her because every time she pops out with her "We'll see..." she makes a liar out of me. 

The magic of the "We'll see..." is as much in what it isn't as in what it is. 

What it isn't is an argumentative weight of expectation and pressure wrapped in a package of encouragement, responding to my rash declarations with "don't be silly, of course you will! You're brilliant, and _________ is the only way for you to be successful!"

"We'll see..." is not discrediting my own control over my future or my choices or my freedom to be correct, to stop right here and head down the path I say I intend to choose. It's not undermining my autonomy.

What it also isn't is discouraging pessimism or criticism for either my lack of potential or my lack of ambition. My mom never hears my fears or my self-limitation and reacts with a knee-jerk band-aid of complements, nor salt-in-the-wound of criticism. She is a cornerstone of balance between realism and healthy, genuine belief in her children's capabilities.

What "We'll see..." has always meant to me is "I trust you and I will not tell you what you should do, but I believe you can go further than you say you will if you choose to. If you never change your path, I will support you and be proud of you, but if you do I believe you can succeed."

It's a subtle suggestion that perhaps I can do more than I think I can; perhaps it wouldn't hurt to try it anyway; and that even if I fail, I won't disappoint her.

My parents play different roles in my life (obviously) but if I were a car, my dad would be the suspension and the body; holding me up when I am discouraged and heavy laden, and protecting me. My mom has always been the wheels and the fuel. She has equipped me with her "We'll see..." approach to parenting with the tools to move forward. She has found an impossible balance of encouraging me through truth. She doesn't flood me with nice, sweeping complements about how brilliant her baby is, she just actually, openly, believes I can, and I know she's a smart lady, so I think maybe she knows something I don't know and I start to believe I can, too.

But the beauty of "We'll see..." most of all is that it has always told me that my mom believes both that I can and also that I don't have to. Whether I do or I don't has no bearing on her love, support, encouragement, or pride.

I hope to some day be a "We'll see..." parent myself, and I wish everyone had the opportunity to be raised by parents with such genuine faith in their kids' capacity that they don't have to pressure them.

So on a weekend when my most hard-fought achievement in my entire life fell the day before Mother's day, I think it only appropriate to say Thank You to the best mom ever, and at the moment I hope your "We'll see..." isn't always prophetic, because I REALLY don't feel up to a doctoral program, and you always make a liar out of me. I love you!

How To Make A Person You Love Feel Loved

A couple weeks ago, my husband was paying the toll bill, and I apologized to him that it was much higher than usual because I had taken the toll road several times that month to make sure I wasn't late for class. We are financially fairly comfortable, but we have recently had several car issues, and our budget is pretty tight right now. 

His response inspired me to write this.

"Love, it's a lot less expensive for you to take the toll road every day if you need to than for us to pay for you to have to re-take those classes. Especially with how hard that would be on you emotionally. Take it if you need to & we'll finish this semester."

So much wisdom for such a young man. His response to my apology was both rational and incredibly empathetic. I am just 50 days from my last day of graduate school, (I like to think my last day of school ever), and the added pressure of knowing how stressful and complicated it would be for me to drop or flunk a class this semester, pushing back my graduation and forcing me to pay twice for a class, has been extremely difficult.

I feel my husband had every right to be a bit annoyed with me, or to at least appreciate my apology, for spending money outside our budget on something that is technically optional. The degree of thought that had to go in to his response seems to me to have been happening along the way, so that in the moment, he was able to instantly consider my needs and the bigger picture, and just be incredibly understanding of what that expensive little shortcut meant to me.

So I just want to say this. A truly solid, positive relationship- any relationship, not just marriage- is a lot easier when your logic accounts for the less tangible needs of the other in the relationship. It's been 2 weeks and I can't get this interaction out of my head because I realized in that moment that I felt understood, taken care of, and completely safe to care for myself in this high pressure season of life. 

If you are in a relationship, give yourself time and opportunity to think about what the other is going through in life outside your time with them. Take the time to empathize and think about how they may be feeling at the end of their workday, or when they haven't gotten to do that thing that makes them feel good in a long time. Just thinking about this stuff when you have a chance will give you the same wisdom in the instant you'll need it someday. And when it does come up, that person will feel so loved by you. 100% worth the effort.

(P.S. This conversation actually happened during the week of our 3rd anniversary, and I just gotta brag and say that my husband is clearly nailing it.)

Peace and Sanity

This man is my hero.

I don't know his name. I don't know anything about him except one of the most important things in the world.

Let me back up a bit.

I saw him 2 days ago when I was out to lunch with some of my family. We were waiting for a table to open up in a tiny, hole-in-the-wall bakery, so I was, naturally, assessing everyone around me and the stage of consumption their lunch had reached to guess how long the wait would be. Then I noticed this man. I'm going to name him Phil. Phil was eating a salad and some bread. There was no phone in sight. There was no lunch companion at his table. There was no newspaper, book, nook, laptop, blackberry, pen with napkin scribbles... nothing. Just his plate. Being the awkward, voyeuristic people watcher that I am, I noticed and immediately became fascinated. 

I looked around at the other tables. There were several other men eating by themselves, but this one had a newspaper... this one had his phone out... this one was talking into a headset (not a bluetooth, mind you- one of those headsets you see video gamers and air force pilots wearing- super classy). 

I was so fascinated with Phil that I actually took a [super creepy] picture by taking a photo of my grandma and zooming in. I knew I'd want a visual for the blog I was already writing in my head. (FOURTH WALL!!!!!!!!)

Phil wasn't in a hurry. I hope someone understands why this boggles me. He was sincerely, genuinely enjoying his salad; totally alone with his thoughts. Without distraction, without somewhere to hurry up and get to. He was smiling a little.

When is the last time you had a meal by yourself? When is the last time you had a meal by yourself that wasn't 

a) on the phone

b) on social media

c) reading something

d) watching tv

e) doodling on a napkin

f) eaten in a hurry because you have things to get to and nothing to occupy your mind

g) in the car

h) some or all of the above?

There is a common expression in literature or movies: "how do you sleep at night?"

It's an expression usually directed at persons whose behavior has caused others to wonder how they can stand to fall asleep with such a guilty conscience.

Imagine the clear conscience it takes to enjoy ones lunch, in this day and age, completely alone with one's own thoughts.

Phil has inspired me.

I want to discover the peace of a meal absent of outside connection.

I want to experience the sanity of being able to sit still with my own thoughts and not feel rushed to find something else to focus on.

Even make a standing appointment?

Phil, whoever you are, you're my hero.

I hope now he's yours too.

If there's something you'd like me to write a post about, or a question you'd like answered, click the "email me" link on the right hand side of the page.

Anxiety: A Room Full of Boxes

This post is extremely personal, but I feel like it is important to share. I hope it is enlightening or comforting or both to some of my readers.

The Room

In my mind there is a dim, circular room completely lined with shelves, wall to wall, beginning at the floor and climbing high to an unseen ceiling. All of these shelves are lined with red boxes- like the ones you can get at Neiman Marcus at Christmas. Each box is an opportunity, challenge or problem that I will eventually encounter in my life. Usually, I walk into the room and there is the box for today's challenge sitting on a table, and I open it to assess its contents: the options I have to proceed through and beyond the challenge. Sometimes the box is filled with options; these are welcome and easy, and the best one or two courses of action tend to stand out. Other boxes may only have one option, there in the back corner of the box, not always appealing but present and something I can take and move forward with. Sometimes the single option is even welcome assurance that it was my only choice.

I am blessed to have led a life which for the most part has featured full boxes; the world has been my oyster, so to speak, and I have had so many opportunities to select whatever path I desired to pursue. Somewhere along the line, though, I walked into that room and I opened a box and I found it empty. 

I panicked. I felt frozen. I didn’t know how to move forward, what to do next. Up to that point, I would go into that room in my mind, find the box labeled with the problem at hand on the table, open it up and find the next step, then I would take it out of the box and use my choice. Then the box, the problem, would go away. For years that was my sanity: walk in, open box, view options, make choice, take the next step.

After that first empty box, I slowed down. I still used my room, but I now knew that there was the possibility I would open a box one day and find nothing inside. By the second or third empty box, I became wary and anxious of opening my boxes- then of even entering the room. It manifested itself in my real life by developing an unreasonable aversion to certain things that almost always sent me to my room of boxes; I would avoid things that might notify me of a problem or a choice so that I wouldn’t have to face the boxes piling up on my table- what if one of them was empty? What if all of them were? (To my family who are reading this, I'll just say Email.)

When I had to deal with the growing mess in my room of boxes, I reached a point where I would get panicky just thinking about opening a box- a fear of the unknown. Most of the time I would open the boxes and find my choices, my next steps, and I would chastise myself for making so much of nothing- I'd gain some courage to open another box, and another, knocking out challenge after challenge, relaxing and building confidence UNTIL

I found myself frozen. The panic and anxiety was worse than ever. In the real world, I would have a physical panic attack, with hyperventilating, even crying, and I would go into a brief state of denial, in my mind I would walk out and close the door to the room and pretend it didn’t exist, and in reality I would block it out by watching a stupid show or reading a novel, or cooking. The box wouldn’t go away, and eventually it would get dealt with, often with a worse outcome for having been put off.

This story is not to showcase my struggles in a bid for attention or sympathy; I do hope that in being transparent, more people can feel comfortable identifying areas in which they need help, and realize that their "issues" do not define them; even the most "together" people have stuff going on they just aren't telling the world about. I hope it helps explain to people who do not deal with Anxiety what it looks like from the perspective of someone who has experienced it long term. 

I also want to share with those of you who deal with Anxiety in your own lives what has helped me begin to overcome it. First, I have come to realize that there is no such thing as an empty box. I still have to remind myself of that before I open a new one, but truly, when you think about it, there is no such thing as a problem or a challenge with no next step. The next step might not always be appealing, but it always exists- for all the boxes I thought were empty, I have never actually had my entire life come to a halt; it always somehow moves forward. Sometimes the only thing in the box is prayer, but in my experience it is the best option I could hope for, and should be the first next step I take from any box. The second important thing I have learned (with the help of wise counsel) is that the boxes generally get less and less full the longer I leave them unopened. The longer I wait to face my challenges, the less options I will have for the next step.

If you struggle with anxiety, I encourage you to share it with someone you trust. They may not understand initially but I challenge you to take some time to walk them through it; it is healing to feel like there is someone with you when you encounter particularly intimidating “boxes”. If you don’t have anyone you feel comfortable processing with,  feel free to email me- I can’t offer much more than an ear, but sometimes that’s just what you need!

REJECTED- Getting Over It

We've all been where this guy is at, though hopefully to a much lesser extent. My last two posts were all about learning to recognize when a person is not interested in you romantically. Today's post will hopefully provide some insight into how to deal with all those feelings of rejection, inadequacy, etc. after not only scenarios in which your person of interest is not interested in you, but also breakups, getting fired, not being offered a position you desire, or being flat turned down. 

 I started out my preparation for this blog by first surveying my Facebook friends about what they do to handle rejection, and they gave me some great examples of both what to do and what not to do. I will start with a few examples of what not to do.

• Egging the person's car or any other forms of vandalism. You are not 12. And if you are 12, still don't do it. Seriously.
• Any form of practical joke- whether it's ordering 30 pizzas to be delivered to their house or putting their number on a telemarketing call list, it is NOT sane or ok to be spiteful, vindictive or petty towards a person (ever, but particularly) for rejecting you.
• Spreading gossip about that person. Even if it's true, it'll make you look as bad as them. Consider the fact that if the person is really all that terrible, it reflects on your poor judgement for having been interested in them. Be the bigger person, don't discuss them at all if you can't be kind and constructive.
• Avoiding the person (if you're friends, just act normal).
• Asking God to change their mind, He knows your heart, and He also knows theirs. If you are destined to be with that person, God will make it happen at the right time, and you really wouldn't want it to happen under any other circumstances. 
• Refusing to listen to sound wisdom and encouragement that friends and family provide.
• Sulking. You can allow yourself a reasonable interval to feel like crap- but set a time limit. Make plans for a few days after the fact and don't let yourself skip them, even if you still don't feel all that social.
• Talking it over and over and over with any friends who will listen. They will secretly or openly resent you for it, and every time you re-hash every dadgum interaction you ever had with the person who rejected you, you are ripping off the scab, reopening the wound and refusing to heal.

Here are some examples of reactions and coping mechanisms that aren't ideal, but are acceptable and even therapeutic in moderation:

• Cry. Let it out! Our tears are actually one of our body's best, most effective methods of ridding itself of stress hormones. If you feel like you want to cry, don't hold it in- let it out, but set a limit on it. Some people are like fire hydrants, where once they start crying, it's difficult to stop. If this describes you, a few helpful tips: Try to go somewhere cold, like a walk-in refrigerator- you'll cry, but the cold will help your body calm down more quickly. If you don't have a walk-in fridge or cold weather outside to utilize, stick your head in the freezer for a couple of minutes, or splash cold water on your face. Amazingly effective.
• Watching a good, upbeat movie or rereading a favorite book. A lot of women in particular favor watching chick-flicks, but I recommend comedies and action movies, or perhaps movies where the protagonist discovers him/herself and/or accomplishes something other than a relationship. It's kind of rubbing salt in the wound to watch fictional, unattainable relationships in the midst of your own rejection.
• Eat chocolate. The darker, the better- it's not just an old wives' tale, chocolate has two chemical properties that encourage happiness and contentment. First, it has caffeine and sugar, which will help you feel a bit more energized- great for staving off depression. Secondly, it contains endorphins, which are a natural hormone that encourages a feeling of happiness and well-being.
• Exercise. No really! The endorphins help, and sometimes running as hard and fast as you can just wears you out and empties your head- you can block out the negative thoughts for a minute, and it forces you to breathe. More than once, immediately after a bad breakup I took a run (and I am NOT a runner), and just wearing myself out, being out of breath, it kept the hurt at bay in those initial hours. Eventually you'll have to face your feelings, but this is ok to do initially.

Now for the best I can offer- HOW TO cope with rejection in a healthy, positive way:

• Accept the truth that just because a specific person is not interested in you doesn't mean there is something WRONG with you. There can be (and usually is) a number of reasonable factors that are outside of your control that lead to a person's disinterest in you. Obsessing over why they don't like you will create useless insecurity. 
• Move on. I know better than to recommend this as some sort of immediate thing- I know it will take time, but allow it to happen. Wallowing and obsessing and refusing to let go won't help.
• Spend time with your friends; allow them to lift you up and encourage you. 

"A friend loves at all times" (Proverbs 17:17)

• Turn to God, and to His Word. When you're hurting, it can almost feel cliche to have someone tell you yet again that God loves you, He has your best interests at heart, and will never forsake you, but it's TRUE! Keep the following in mind: 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18)

God says, "I will turn the darkness to light before them and make the rough places smooth... I will not forsake them." (Isaiah 42:16)

"He extends compassion and comfort to you, which, in turn, you can give to others" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

"The Lord will not reject His people; He will never forsake His inheritance" (Psalm 94:14)

• Accept God's plan and remember that He knows what's best.

"Praise be to God, who has NOT rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!" (Psalm 66:20)

"I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation." (Psalm 13:5)

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" (Deuteronomy 31:8)

• Actively seek the Lord and turn outward, serving others. It will help you get outside your own selfish complaints and will give God opportunities to move you where you need to be. It is not enough to try to get away from negative thoughts, you have to actively move towards positive things.

"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." (Genesis 4:7) 

"There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1)

• And lastly, forgive the person who rejects you, don't hold grudges.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13) 

And HEY, It's gonna be OK. Really.

Men DECODED: Part 2~ Signs He's Just Not That Into You

Previously, we explored the treacherous world of female disinterest- for women, how to display it to thwart unwanted pursuers  and for men, how to recognize a hint when it has been dropped to save yourselves a little dignity in the midst of rejection.

Today, I'll be outlining the antithetical perspective (that means opposite, I've been studying for the GRE lately so expect a few vocabulary lessons bestrewn -sprinkled- throughout my upcoming posts), providing much needed insight for my readers of the fairer sex to know when it's time to move on from a crush, and tips for my male readers on how to let a gal down easy and hopefully avoid an awkward DTR (Defining The Relationship) talk. I encouraged my male readers to let me in on their personal methods for letting a woman know he's not interested, and a few of my friends came through for me. I will be intermingling their replies with my own observations, and yes, even a few hints that landed with me from men I was interested in in the past who successfully dropped the hint and have remained my friends afterwards.

1) If he says "You're a dear friend to me", he doesn't think of you as anything more significant than that. In his own mind, he is telling you that you are so important to him he doesn't want to risk losing you by putting your relationship in a place that may end with a breakup. Two important things to understand about this "friend-zoning". 

• Ladies- I know this is an unfair, silly idea and what is wrong with men that they don't recognize how silly it is to eliminate the best women in their lives- BELIEVE ME, I know! BUT there is NOTHING you can say or do that will make a guy change his opinions about this. ACCEPT it, and maybe someday God or his own brain will make him realize what a mistake it is to pass you up. In the meantime, MOVE ON. 
• Men- If you read the above tip and think, "that's exactly what's going on with me", I STRONGLY encourage, I Implore you to click the following link when you have 45 minutes to spare- it'll be an exceptionally wise use of your time. 

http://www.watermark.org/media/dating-on-target/2432/

• One further sidenote for my men, if you watch the video above, it will be your inclination to come up with any number of reasons why it's great advice for most people but you are the obvious exception for x, y, and z. NO YOU ARE NOT! It was WRITTEN for YOU! LISTEN to it! TALK to your friends about whether you are intentionally putting on mental earplugs to truth that you SHOULD hear because you think you are some kind of special case. In my observation, every one of the men that I spoke to who heard the message posted above told me why they consider themselves the exception to the intended audience. ALL of you can not be the exception! That's a logical fallacy! Whew, ok, getting down off my soapbox now.

*AHem* As I was saying, signs he's not interested:

2) Now this is one that a friend of mine actually said to me, I'm going to write his exact words for you verbatim  because the message was received LOUD and CLEAR and had no negative effect on my opinion of him or on our friendship: "So many girls mistake my friendliness for flirtation, or my flirtation for intention. I appreciate that you know that if I am interested in you, I will ask you out, and you don't over- analyze my flirtation if I have not actually asked you out!" Two things are happening here. First of all, he verbalized and clarified with me in the form of a compliment, giving me credit that I already knew what he was saying out loud to me, and making me feel more like he trusted me and appreciated my understanding. Second of all, he reiterated what should be a well understood fact that is evidently not well understood at all by the ladies of our generation. That is, ultimately, if he likes you, he will eventually ask you out. If he has been acting the same way with you for a long time (6+ months?) and has never asked you out, he's probably never going to. He's not into you. Move on.

3) This is another one that I'm drawing from personal experience. I was asking a friend of mine who I actually wasn't particularly interested in whether he would be going to a certain social function about a month in the future. He said "Yeah, If I go I'll probably bring a date..." And then he did not use that segue to ask me to be his date. Point Taken. If a man is talking to a woman, and he either unnecessarily confirms his plans to have a date for a particular function or comments on the need to find a date, and then does not IMMEDIATELY ask the woman he is talking to, he does not think of her in that way. He is not interested! Even if he is not intentionally using that opportunity to draw a clear line for her, if he liked you he would use that opportunity to do something about it.

4) If, in the middle of a conversation with you, a man is constantly watching his surroundings, and (especially when another woman comes in) he abruptly leaves or stops the conversation to go talk to someone else, he's not interested in you. Even some of the most ADD men have Juggernaut levels of intensity and focus when they have an opportunity to talk to the woman they wish to pursue. If there is some exceptional situation where a man HAS to interrupt you and leave, he will be apologetic and try to reestablish the conversation as soon as possible with you to make sure you know you are important. There are exceptions to this rule, but in every case, the guy is a rude jerk and you shouldn't care if he is interested.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juggernaut

5) If he EVER compares his relationship with you to that of a sibling, Move On.

6) If he talks about other women as potential prospects with you, Move On.

7) If he suggests other men you should consider dating, MOVE ON! No man will try to set up or divert the attention of the woman he is interested in. Ever.

Now that I've taught y'all how to recognize the signs that a person of the opposite sex is not interested in you and letting you know it, I'm not just going to leave you to wallow in your loneliness- That would be a pretty Jerk move on my part. Tune in to my next post to learn all about Dealing With Rejection in a healthy, productive way that can minimize your hurt. In the meantime, please send me your questions, love letters and hate-mail at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com or click the convenient "email us" link on the right-hand side of this page. Thanks!

Women DECODED: Part 2~ Signs She's Just Not That Into You

Dear Suzy,

I have a male friend I have known for a few months now. He is very friendly to everyone but the past few times I've seen him I've felt like he's been... Well... Super friendly. The hugs have gotten tighter, he sits to where he's touching me even if he has room to scooch, and he talks to me a LOT. I haven't had official confirmation of any kind but I feel as if this person is attracted to me and/or has a crush on me. I am not attracted to him through no fault of his own. How can I handle the situation and effectively friend-zone him without being mean/rude/pretentious?

Elizabeth in Longbourne

Dear Elizabeth,

I am going to take this opportunity in my reply to you, to add to my ongoing series which provides translations for both sexes to understand each other. I will write my tips as signs to the man, so they can easily identify when my female readers are giving them off. 

If you want to up your chances that the guy you're not interested in will get the hint, share this post on your Facebook and Twitter using the links below- maybe he'll read it!

Truly, the least uncomfortable rejections are those that never have to be verbalized. If the recipient can be aware enough of his (or her) surroundings to realize that his crush is not interested without forcing them to say so, it usually saves embarrassment for both!

However, it is not OK to put off these conversations in order to allow yourself to prolong false hope. If you are forever putting off asking a woman out, not only may you miss your window of opportunity, but there is a very good chance you are already picking up on one or more of the signs listed below, & however subconsciously it may be, you know that she's not interested and you are putting off her inevitable rejection. If you do not see these signs, or cannot help but believe your case is exceptional, MAN UP, muster your courage and ASK HER OUT- directly and in a way that requires a YES or a NO.

So what are the signs she's just not that into you?

• First of all, women are perceptive. We can often tell when a man we are acquainted with has developed feelings for us. If we realize or suspect that this is the case, we may change our behavior to discourage your interest. If there is a noticeable change in her comfort level with you since you started showing her special attention, this is probably a sign. Specific behaviors to consider:
• Her once full hugs have become half-hugs, her half-hugs have become high-fives or nothing at all.
• She is less available, always has a reason not to sit next to you, or avoids sitting next to you without citing a reason.

***I have heard more than one of my male friends justify when they see behavior like this from the object of their affection, convincing themselves that the woman they are "wooing" is so overwhelmed with flattery that she doesn't know how to react. It reminds me of the following scene in the book/movie Pride and Prejudice, which I will let speak for itself:

• When a woman is interested in a man, she will try to find opportunities to be around a that person. If she is even less available than usual, she is not interested. She may not have actually thought about it one way or another, but it is still a good indicator that she's not specifically attracted to you.
• If you call, text or otherwise initiate contact and she takes a long time (4+ days) to respond or does not respond at all, that's a pretty good sign she's not interested. We may not always reply super promptly, but we won't forget or ignore a man that we are interested in. However, just because she does reply promptly, that does not necessarily equate to her being interested in you- she may just be conscientious and prompt getting back with everyone who calls or texts her.
• Whenever you suggest that the two of you go do something together, she only seems interested as long as multiple other people come along (and those other people aren't couples).
• She talks about other men she is interested in in front of you. Yes, sometimes a woman will do this to appear desirable and wanted, so this is not a surefire sign, but in conjunction with other signs, this can tip the scales. Also the amount she's talking about other guys. A gal won't gush about another man in front of one she's interested in.
• She flirts with other men in front of you. See above caveat.
• She is more flirtatious with anyone other than you in the same setting.
• She is vague or noncommittal about plans when discussing them with you. For instance, you hear her talking about a party on friday night. "Oh, you're going to the party on friday, too?" She sort of pauses, or stutters, and says, "well, maaaaybe... I'm not sure. I might come, I really won't know until just before it starts..." She is making sure that if you come to the party, it's not solely on her account, and is also ensuring you don't suggest a car pool. Which leads me to my next point:
• She avoids being left alone with you, even if just for a moment at a party. It's not that she thinks you're going to attack her or something, but she may be avoiding any opening for a conversation in which you may put her in a position to have to reject you to your face. It may seem like kind of a jerk move because it may allow you to keep your hopes up longer, but honestly we really don't like to reject a man any more than he likes being rejected!
• I've mentioned this in a previous blog, but if she calls you "dude" or compares your relationship with her to that of a sibling, she is NOT INTERESTED.

My next post will be in similar form, letting my FEMALE readers know how they can tell when a MAN is not interested in them, and offering tips for my male readers on how to kindly make it clear to a woman that they are not interested in her. I ask my male readers to email me at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com and let me know, what do YOU do to let a woman know you don't think of her as anything more than a friend? Ladies, do you have any suggestions or signs that you give off that you think should be added to the list? Please post them in the comments section below!

I Must Have Said It Wrong...

Dear Suzy,

I'm the kind of guy who enjoys giving women compliments. I like to make them smile and feel good about themselves, and I am in the habit of commenting on a woman's dress, or jewelry, or whatever is striking about them to let them know somebody noticed. The problem is, often women take my compliments as flirtation. I would like to be able to compliment my female friends, not just women I happen to be interested in, but so many of them take it the wrong way! What can I do? Is there a way to be complimentary without being flirtatious?

P.S. I love your writing!

Daniel Clever

Dear Daniel,

Aww Shucks, thanks, stud! But seriously, this is a great question! It is not well known enough that there is a right and a wrong way to compliment a lady friend. The nuances are subtle, but hopefully I can shed some light on the subject. For those of my male readers who are more interested in learning how to compliment a woman in a more flirtatious way, I'll be giving examples of both.

First and foremost,some women are just hoping to be flirted with, and may read into whatever you say, no matter how innocent. That's just the way it is, but don't take it personally, take it as a compliment. Either she likes you, or she reads into what every man says to her. These are just some simple tips to maximize accurate communication.

Now, you can give what sounds like the same compliment, two ways, and the two will be received completely differently. For example, If you were talking to this girl:

You might want to compliment her necklace. But take care, complimenting a woman's necklace points out that your eye was drawn to her neck and chest. This may give her the impression that you were admiring her chest and happened to notice the necklace. Instead, look for something in a less "hot zone" to compliment, like her smile, or her earrings- when you compliment a woman's earrings, all that tells her is that you were looking at her face while she was talking to you and you noticed the sparkly things right next to it- relatively harmless, and very little can be read into that.

Say you see this gal at a party:

You may be about to tell her that the dress she is wearing looks nice on her. Seems harmless enough, but what many women hear is "your body looks nice in that dress". When in doubt, if you want to be certain you aren't giving ANY mixed signals, try this compliment instead: "That's a great color on you!" color is harmless. Color is your friend. The only thing on a girl's outfit or self that wouldn't be fairly safe to compliment the color of would be her lips.

Now for a bit of practice, I'll post a few photos, with the flirtatious and then the harmless compliments for each:

Possible flirting: "That's a beautiful necklace!" 

(Yes, I know it's true, and fairly harmless, but you're looking right at her chest. In this particular case, though, it is a very different looking piece of jewelry, so you can still comment on it, but choose your words carefully)

Safe: "What an interesting piece of jewelry! Does it have a story?" (The word interesting is still complimentary, but much safer than commenting on beauty. Asking about where she got the necklace or something like that immediately, indicates that you really are interested in the piece, as well as hearing what she has to say.)

Flirting: "That's a pretty necklace" or "that necklace looks pretty on your neck"

Safe: "Those are cool earrings" or "those are nice earrings"

Flirting: "WOW!" or "That dress looks GREAT on you!" or "You look GREAT in that dress!"

Safe: "That's a great color on you!"

Flirting: "I LOVE your dress!" or "that dress looks amazing on you!"

Safe: "You have a nice smile..."

Flirting: Pretty much almost anything a man says to a woman in this outfit will be taken as a veiled flirtation

Safe: um... er... "Would you like to borrow my coat/pancho/snuggie?"

and last:

Yeah, right, like YOU would worried about complimenting Kim Kardashian without her getting the wrong idea about your intentions. Yeah, OKAY. *Scoffs*

Please send me your questions! Simply click the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page or send your questions to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com.

Men Decoded: Lesson 1

This post is for you, gals! I asked my female readers to submit their questions about men, what they're thinking, and what they really mean. A few of you delivered, and after interviewing many young men and doing a bit of research, I have your first few questions!

1) Why do men often have such a hard time listening?

Studies have shown that men have a stronger ability to deactivate the listening centers in the brain, literally "tuning out" when they are focused on something else, even listening to something specific. Other studies have suggested that men have directional audio reception, meaning that they tend to hear better when the sound is coming directly towards their ears as opposed to their face or their back. You may notice that many people, particularly men, will slightly tilt their ear towards someone when they are intent on hearing that person- this is functional!

If you really want to increase your chances of a specific man hearing what you have to say, here are a few tips:

• Rather than sitting across from him, or insisting that he "look you in the eye" when you're talking to him, sit next to him or go for a walk, so that you are beside him while you're speaking. This actually helps him to hear you, and even as a woman, when someone is insisting I look them in the eye, I tend to be more focused on having an attentive facial expression and looking them in the eye than I am on what they are actually saying.
• Say his name, and confirm he heard you call him before you start telling him whatever it is you want him to hear. If he has his audio receptors tuned into whatever he is doing, or turned off altogether because he's not listening, it is likely you will be in the middle of what you are saying before he even realizes that you are speaking to him.
• I know my friends who are reading this will laugh at the hypocracy of this tip, but whenever possible, try to be concise, direct, and get to the point. Treat it a little like a high school english paper- give the main point first and then get into the finer details. This way, if the man you are speaking to has a short attention span, he will get the important content even if he zones out.

2) Do men really care about personality in a woman? 

I asked a number of my male friends this question, and the responses across the board were, pretty much, "Personality is extremely important, but there does have to be some physical attraction there too."

I know that many times we women can overlook a lot of physically unattractive characteristics in a man if his personality, motivation, and other non-visible traits are appealing enough. Even so, we still have things that we can't "get over"- whether we call it lack of chemistry, or can't quite put our fingers on it. Men are the same way- they DO value physical attractiveness, but that only takes them as far as our personalities will fall short. So it is two-fold, but have no fear- there are men with all kinds of physical preferences. Even if you don't necessarily fit into our culture's standard definitions of beauty, there are men out there who find you attractive.

3) Why don’t many men like to text?

Again I surveyed a number of men, and most of them gave the same response: Usually, I could tell you what I have to say faster and in better detail, and get feedback, by talking to you in voice rather than text messaging. While I still occasionally use text messages when I can't really talk, or I only need to say one small thing, it simply isn't the most efficient mode of communication.

A few other men said they text a lot and never would have expected a question like that. 

4) What do men consider clingy behavior?

In my experience, if he really, really likes the girl, not much. That is to say, I have seen more than one of my male friends complain about a girl being too in touch, and then when the same friends get a girlfriend, or even just start flirting with a girl they like, they can't seem to get enough of her.

The whole idea is relative, I think, because most of what is acceptable from a girlfriend could constitute clingy behavior from just a friend. Still, there are some things that are clingy behavior for a girlfriend, too.

A few things that are clingy pretty much across the board: 

• If you are texting and calling him every time, never allowing him time or opportunity to contact you first, 
• Getting offended when he doesn't respond to you in pretty much any amount of time short of a day 
• Showing up uninvited to his house on the first evening in two weeks you don't have plans "just to surprise him because you missed him".
• Counting the children you'll have with him someday before your 5th date

My best advice for women who worry about being perceived as clingy is this: When in doubt, don't. Or do, but half as much, half as often. And look for clues and signs as to when the man in question may be bothered, crowded or annoyed (I'll give that list as content in a later blog!), and make note what particular behavior may have caused it.

5) How do I know when a man is interested in me?

If he is really interested in you, eventually he will ask you out on a date. Until he does that, just be normal and friendly, and try not to read too deeply into everything he says or does.

I NEED MORE CONTENT!!!!! Please click the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page to submit your questions or requests for content, or send your emails to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com. Thanks!