"We'll See..."

"I don't like school, I'm too CREATIVE for regular college, I'm just going to go to culinary school; it's only 1 year and no boring stuff."

"We'll see..."

"Now that culinary school is over, I decided to just enroll in a class or two at the community college because I feel like I'm a little young to stop learning. I'm just gonna take classes that I find interesting though, I'm not actually like, going to college, cuz I'm not gonna do an actual degree program or anything."

"We'll see..."

"So it turns out I just need a few more classes to qualify for an associates' degree. I think I'm gonna go ahead and take them. Why not, you know? But I doubt I'll ever go for a whole bachelor's degree, I don't need it."

"We'll see..."

"I think I want to change careers. That associate's degree automatically qualifies me to enroll in any state college. I'm going to enroll at TWU and get a psych education so I can become a counselor. I have to do grad school for that, not sure I'll make it that far, my grades have never been good enough for scholarships or anything..."

"We'll see..."

Yesterday, I walked the stage to receive my Masters of Arts in Biblical Counseling from Dallas Theological Seminary. So much of my life, whenever I declare something about my future, my mom looks at me with this very specific, infuriating, all-knowing expression on her face of pure skepticism and exaggerated placating and says "We'll see...". 

I got my husband to catch that very look on camera yesterday when I told her I am DONE with school FOREVER! and I am NEVER GOING BACK!!!! So I could share it here:

I've learned to joke that I have to be careful what I say to her because every time she pops out with her "We'll see..." she makes a liar out of me. 

The magic of the "We'll see..." is as much in what it isn't as in what it is. 

What it isn't is an argumentative weight of expectation and pressure wrapped in a package of encouragement, responding to my rash declarations with "don't be silly, of course you will! You're brilliant, and _________ is the only way for you to be successful!"

"We'll see..." is not discrediting my own control over my future or my choices or my freedom to be correct, to stop right here and head down the path I say I intend to choose. It's not undermining my autonomy.

What it also isn't is discouraging pessimism or criticism for either my lack of potential or my lack of ambition. My mom never hears my fears or my self-limitation and reacts with a knee-jerk band-aid of complements, nor salt-in-the-wound of criticism. She is a cornerstone of balance between realism and healthy, genuine belief in her children's capabilities.

What "We'll see..." has always meant to me is "I trust you and I will not tell you what you should do, but I believe you can go further than you say you will if you choose to. If you never change your path, I will support you and be proud of you, but if you do I believe you can succeed."

It's a subtle suggestion that perhaps I can do more than I think I can; perhaps it wouldn't hurt to try it anyway; and that even if I fail, I won't disappoint her.

My parents play different roles in my life (obviously) but if I were a car, my dad would be the suspension and the body; holding me up when I am discouraged and heavy laden, and protecting me. My mom has always been the wheels and the fuel. She has equipped me with her "We'll see..." approach to parenting with the tools to move forward. She has found an impossible balance of encouraging me through truth. She doesn't flood me with nice, sweeping complements about how brilliant her baby is, she just actually, openly, believes I can, and I know she's a smart lady, so I think maybe she knows something I don't know and I start to believe I can, too.

But the beauty of "We'll see..." most of all is that it has always told me that my mom believes both that I can and also that I don't have to. Whether I do or I don't has no bearing on her love, support, encouragement, or pride.

I hope to some day be a "We'll see..." parent myself, and I wish everyone had the opportunity to be raised by parents with such genuine faith in their kids' capacity that they don't have to pressure them.

So on a weekend when my most hard-fought achievement in my entire life fell the day before Mother's day, I think it only appropriate to say Thank You to the best mom ever, and at the moment I hope your "We'll see..." isn't always prophetic, because I REALLY don't feel up to a doctoral program, and you always make a liar out of me. I love you!

Women DECODED: Part 2~ Signs She's Just Not That Into You

Dear Suzy,

I have a male friend I have known for a few months now. He is very friendly to everyone but the past few times I've seen him I've felt like he's been... Well... Super friendly. The hugs have gotten tighter, he sits to where he's touching me even if he has room to scooch, and he talks to me a LOT. I haven't had official confirmation of any kind but I feel as if this person is attracted to me and/or has a crush on me. I am not attracted to him through no fault of his own. How can I handle the situation and effectively friend-zone him without being mean/rude/pretentious?

Elizabeth in Longbourne

Dear Elizabeth,

I am going to take this opportunity in my reply to you, to add to my ongoing series which provides translations for both sexes to understand each other. I will write my tips as signs to the man, so they can easily identify when my female readers are giving them off. 

If you want to up your chances that the guy you're not interested in will get the hint, share this post on your Facebook and Twitter using the links below- maybe he'll read it!

Truly, the least uncomfortable rejections are those that never have to be verbalized. If the recipient can be aware enough of his (or her) surroundings to realize that his crush is not interested without forcing them to say so, it usually saves embarrassment for both!

However, it is not OK to put off these conversations in order to allow yourself to prolong false hope. If you are forever putting off asking a woman out, not only may you miss your window of opportunity, but there is a very good chance you are already picking up on one or more of the signs listed below, & however subconsciously it may be, you know that she's not interested and you are putting off her inevitable rejection. If you do not see these signs, or cannot help but believe your case is exceptional, MAN UP, muster your courage and ASK HER OUT- directly and in a way that requires a YES or a NO.

So what are the signs she's just not that into you?

• First of all, women are perceptive. We can often tell when a man we are acquainted with has developed feelings for us. If we realize or suspect that this is the case, we may change our behavior to discourage your interest. If there is a noticeable change in her comfort level with you since you started showing her special attention, this is probably a sign. Specific behaviors to consider:
• Her once full hugs have become half-hugs, her half-hugs have become high-fives or nothing at all.
• She is less available, always has a reason not to sit next to you, or avoids sitting next to you without citing a reason.

***I have heard more than one of my male friends justify when they see behavior like this from the object of their affection, convincing themselves that the woman they are "wooing" is so overwhelmed with flattery that she doesn't know how to react. It reminds me of the following scene in the book/movie Pride and Prejudice, which I will let speak for itself:

• When a woman is interested in a man, she will try to find opportunities to be around a that person. If she is even less available than usual, she is not interested. She may not have actually thought about it one way or another, but it is still a good indicator that she's not specifically attracted to you.
• If you call, text or otherwise initiate contact and she takes a long time (4+ days) to respond or does not respond at all, that's a pretty good sign she's not interested. We may not always reply super promptly, but we won't forget or ignore a man that we are interested in. However, just because she does reply promptly, that does not necessarily equate to her being interested in you- she may just be conscientious and prompt getting back with everyone who calls or texts her.
• Whenever you suggest that the two of you go do something together, she only seems interested as long as multiple other people come along (and those other people aren't couples).
• She talks about other men she is interested in in front of you. Yes, sometimes a woman will do this to appear desirable and wanted, so this is not a surefire sign, but in conjunction with other signs, this can tip the scales. Also the amount she's talking about other guys. A gal won't gush about another man in front of one she's interested in.
• She flirts with other men in front of you. See above caveat.
• She is more flirtatious with anyone other than you in the same setting.
• She is vague or noncommittal about plans when discussing them with you. For instance, you hear her talking about a party on friday night. "Oh, you're going to the party on friday, too?" She sort of pauses, or stutters, and says, "well, maaaaybe... I'm not sure. I might come, I really won't know until just before it starts..." She is making sure that if you come to the party, it's not solely on her account, and is also ensuring you don't suggest a car pool. Which leads me to my next point:
• She avoids being left alone with you, even if just for a moment at a party. It's not that she thinks you're going to attack her or something, but she may be avoiding any opening for a conversation in which you may put her in a position to have to reject you to your face. It may seem like kind of a jerk move because it may allow you to keep your hopes up longer, but honestly we really don't like to reject a man any more than he likes being rejected!
• I've mentioned this in a previous blog, but if she calls you "dude" or compares your relationship with her to that of a sibling, she is NOT INTERESTED.

My next post will be in similar form, letting my FEMALE readers know how they can tell when a MAN is not interested in them, and offering tips for my male readers on how to kindly make it clear to a woman that they are not interested in her. I ask my male readers to email me at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com and let me know, what do YOU do to let a woman know you don't think of her as anything more than a friend? Ladies, do you have any suggestions or signs that you give off that you think should be added to the list? Please post them in the comments section below!

I Must Have Said It Wrong...

Dear Suzy,

I'm the kind of guy who enjoys giving women compliments. I like to make them smile and feel good about themselves, and I am in the habit of commenting on a woman's dress, or jewelry, or whatever is striking about them to let them know somebody noticed. The problem is, often women take my compliments as flirtation. I would like to be able to compliment my female friends, not just women I happen to be interested in, but so many of them take it the wrong way! What can I do? Is there a way to be complimentary without being flirtatious?

P.S. I love your writing!

Daniel Clever

Dear Daniel,

Aww Shucks, thanks, stud! But seriously, this is a great question! It is not well known enough that there is a right and a wrong way to compliment a lady friend. The nuances are subtle, but hopefully I can shed some light on the subject. For those of my male readers who are more interested in learning how to compliment a woman in a more flirtatious way, I'll be giving examples of both.

First and foremost,some women are just hoping to be flirted with, and may read into whatever you say, no matter how innocent. That's just the way it is, but don't take it personally, take it as a compliment. Either she likes you, or she reads into what every man says to her. These are just some simple tips to maximize accurate communication.

Now, you can give what sounds like the same compliment, two ways, and the two will be received completely differently. For example, If you were talking to this girl:

You might want to compliment her necklace. But take care, complimenting a woman's necklace points out that your eye was drawn to her neck and chest. This may give her the impression that you were admiring her chest and happened to notice the necklace. Instead, look for something in a less "hot zone" to compliment, like her smile, or her earrings- when you compliment a woman's earrings, all that tells her is that you were looking at her face while she was talking to you and you noticed the sparkly things right next to it- relatively harmless, and very little can be read into that.

Say you see this gal at a party:

You may be about to tell her that the dress she is wearing looks nice on her. Seems harmless enough, but what many women hear is "your body looks nice in that dress". When in doubt, if you want to be certain you aren't giving ANY mixed signals, try this compliment instead: "That's a great color on you!" color is harmless. Color is your friend. The only thing on a girl's outfit or self that wouldn't be fairly safe to compliment the color of would be her lips.

Now for a bit of practice, I'll post a few photos, with the flirtatious and then the harmless compliments for each:

Possible flirting: "That's a beautiful necklace!" 

(Yes, I know it's true, and fairly harmless, but you're looking right at her chest. In this particular case, though, it is a very different looking piece of jewelry, so you can still comment on it, but choose your words carefully)

Safe: "What an interesting piece of jewelry! Does it have a story?" (The word interesting is still complimentary, but much safer than commenting on beauty. Asking about where she got the necklace or something like that immediately, indicates that you really are interested in the piece, as well as hearing what she has to say.)

Flirting: "That's a pretty necklace" or "that necklace looks pretty on your neck"

Safe: "Those are cool earrings" or "those are nice earrings"

Flirting: "WOW!" or "That dress looks GREAT on you!" or "You look GREAT in that dress!"

Safe: "That's a great color on you!"

Flirting: "I LOVE your dress!" or "that dress looks amazing on you!"

Safe: "You have a nice smile..."

Flirting: Pretty much almost anything a man says to a woman in this outfit will be taken as a veiled flirtation

Safe: um... er... "Would you like to borrow my coat/pancho/snuggie?"

and last:

Yeah, right, like YOU would worried about complimenting Kim Kardashian without her getting the wrong idea about your intentions. Yeah, OKAY. *Scoffs*

Please send me your questions! Simply click the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page or send your questions to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com.

For Ladies Only

I'm posting two blogs today, so that you fellas can still get something to read, just scroll up or down- but this particular post if for my female readers only... it's about... girl stuff. You have been warned!

Dear Suzy,

I know this may be a little out there to talk about in a public forum like your blog, but I have a serious question.  I’m almost 30 and I’ve never had a steady period cycle.  I know girls who hit it on the same day every month.  Mine moves around like crazy.  I’ve heard that constant exercise can be a cause of fluctuation, is that true?  Is there I way to get it regulated?

Irratically,

Aunt Flo

Dear Flo,

Lots of things can contribute to an irregular cycle; stress, changes in your exercise routine, sexual activity, proximity to other women, diet, extreme weight loss, extreme weight gain, and genetics, to name a few. Some people just have erratic cycles , but that can be a hassle. Most of the time when they talk about exercise negatively impacting your period, though, we're talking about extreme exercise (to a point of potentially doing as much harm as good) that usually causes Amenorrhea, or a loss of menstrual cycle altogether. This phenomenon can also occur as a result of extreme dieting/ weight loss, and is a symptom of bigger problems. 

When it comes down to it, if you have any abnormalities in your cycle for more than 4 or 5 months, consult your gynecologist. They may prescribe you a pill that will help regulate your hormones with low doses of common hormones such as estrogen, but ask a lot of questions; I actually don't know if there is a pill option that will regulate your cycle that is not birth control, so if that poses a moral issue for you, be sure you are fully informed about your options

The best practical advice I can give you other than to see a qualified doctor is this: As you can see from my list above, our period is most often affected by extreme changes in lifestyle, and when it changes substantially, this may be as a result of some unhealthy habits. A regular, normal cycle is most common in a woman who is healthy. The closer you can get to your own body's ideal weight and fat distribution, the more regularly you can exercise without overdoing it, the lower your stress level, the healthier (and iron-rich) your diet, the calmer your schedule... All these things are practical things that you have control over that can help regulate and significantly improve your periods. If all these things are pretty well in line and you're still having problems, definitely see a doctor! This may mean something more serious could be wrong.

Women Decoded: Lesson 1

This post is for the Men! (Though I have no doubt my readers of the fairer sex will be interested to see how fairly I've represented them).

In an effort to only provide translations that you would actually consider relevant and useful, I've asked my male friends to compile the mysteries of the feminine mystique that THEY find most difficult to comprehend. So from YOUR mouths, I present the first part of my translations. I hope this will inspire all of my male readers to write in with their own questions, or I will run out of material tragically soon.

#1: Why do women go to the bathroom in groups?

4 reasons, actually: 
First, power of suggestion- once one person has to go, we realize we haven't been in a while.
Second, we want to talk privately- while we may have the technology nowadays to text each other under the table, a lot more can be said much more quickly in the bathroom. We might be discussing whether or not one of the men at the table seems interested in any of us, or comparing notes on the conversation and what we think it "means"; Realize, men, that women are deconstructing almost every interaction and comment made during their interactions with y'all, often multiple times, if we are now or may eventually be interested in you.
Third, Physiology- Women actually have a chemical reaction to those moments of "girl time". Our brains release a hormone called Oxytocin, which is a "feel good" hormone, whenever we are sharing secrets, being emotionally intimate, touching and complementing elements of each other's outfits, and playing with each other's hair. We receive a mutual dose of "good feelings" every time we fix each other's makeup, or smooth those flyaway hairs on each other. We don't even realize we're compelled physically to continue these habits, but it's like smoking a cigarette after a meal- the circumstance of joining each other for a little private chat in the bathroom becomes compulsively appealing because we always receive that hit of Oxytocin when we do!
Fourth, it's a bit of girl-code that we all know there is a chance one of us may need feminine hygiene products and that we have run out, or forgotten to bring any. We have ALL been there, and in order to spare the potential awkwardness and obviousness of our friend coming back from the bathroom only to whisper in our ear, make a not-so-subtle exchange between purses and go right back to the bathroom, we all come and we all bring our purses, just in case.

#2: Why do girls get bitter, jealous and act competitive with each other so often?

Psychologically, there is a phenomenon within the female brain called "queen bee syndrome" where we feel a compulsion, desire, to put ourselves at the top of the pecking order when we are in a group of other women and there are men present. We actually are more often fighting this instinct when we truly like our female friends and don't want to dominate them, because it's our natural reaction to the circumstance to do so. So men, if you want an indicator of self-control and mind-over-matter in a woman, look to see which of your friends remains humble and seeks opportunities to promote her female friends, rather than put them down when they are around you.
Emotionally, this is an impulse equal to the male impulse to find competition in everyday tasks- if I dropped a box of a thousand paper clips on the floor, and there were two men in the room, it would be minutes at most before they're making a competition of who picks up the most paper clips the fastest, and who has the best method of doing so. In the same way, women are deeply competitive, but more subtle. Rather than proving ourselves as the "Alpha" through outward competition, we are more subtle- we want to prove our "alpha" status through more difficult to measure accomplishments, such as which of us has the most self-confidence, which of us has the most reason to be confident, which of us is most successful, which of us is most capable of attracting the attention of a man in the room, etc. What it comes down to is, our motivations are really not very different from men's, but we take the outcomes more personally, so it's emotionally a bigger deal for us to come out on top.

#3: What is a "frienemy" and WHY are they so common in some groups of women?

Urban Dictionary defines a Frienemy as: 
A "toxic" person who poses as a friend but subconsciously or consciously wishes you harm.
Or: A person who you treat and whom treats you as a friend but if they are given a chance would "cut your throat" or get one over on you/put themselves first if it would benefit themselves, or they would gain an advantage over you.

The first piece of useful information you might glean from these definitions is that for the most part, women would not have their frienemies if they felt they had the choice; it normally takes place in such a social setting that the receiving friend can't easily avoid the friendship without some level of social or proprietorial backlash. Sometimes we keep those friends because it would ultimately be a lot more drama and heartache to get rid of them than to simply tolerate them. Sometimes we keep them around because at one time we really were friends, and either we have too many mutual friends, acquaintances and interests for it to be worth putting all of it at risk, or they knew us well enough at one time that we actually fear the possible exposure of whatever private knowledge they gained during the friendship. Contrary to what the media might portray, no female likes having or being a frienemy- it is not typically a voluntary situation, and it almost exclusively takes place in groups where one or both women wouldn't feel comfortable remaining in the group in the same capacity if they actually severed the friendship, or they feel the potential consequences of severing it outweigh the advantages of losing one toxic friend. Speaking as a woman, it most often occurs when at least one of the women involved is overly-dramatic, and I personally have never known any woman to have or be a frienemy on purpose.

#4: How can we tell if a woman is trying to hint that she would like us to ask her out?

I'll give you a few specific cues that you can use your own discretion (or email me if you are in doubt) to cross over into different, but similar arenas.

• She talks about movies she would like to see but is waiting to watch until she has a date- a woman will not likely phrase it this way or bother mentioning waiting for a date unless she likes someone in the room- keep in mind, though, it might not be you if there are other men in the room. If she starts saying something like this, though, look at her- she will almost certainly look at the man she most wishes to see the movie with when she says it.
• She is vague about her own plans for a weekend or evening, or expressly mentions that she has none, and immediately asks you if you have anything planned. She is hoping you will either say "I don't have anything in particular, want to do something together?" or "I was thinking about going to _____________... Hey, would you like to come?"-- In this case, if you realize she's hinted and you actually respond accordingly, follow through immediately with making the plan- establish a time, and if you want it to be a date, arrange to pick her up, make a mention of buying her ticket, and/or actually say at the end of the conversation: "Great! It's a date, then!"
• She finds opportunities to touch you unnecessarily. If you realize a woman is doing this, though, pay attention to whether she touches other men as often (after all, some people are just touchy with everyone!). But if she seems to be touching you significantly more than other people, that's a pretty solid sign of attraction- I personally am a very touch-oriented personality, but I am conscious not to touch any man I am not attracted to extraneously. I may give him a hug, but I will never place my hand on a guy's forearm while talking to him about any random thing unless I find him attractive. 
• Listen for complements! I love complementing all my friends, but I am careful to save certain types of complements for the guys I like- I might complement any guy's hair, clothing, watch, etc. But if a woman grabs your bicep and says "wow, you're sooo muscular!" that is flat-out flirting. Also, I may complement a friend once, but I'll complement a man I'm interested in every chance I get. Keep in mind, however, that it isn't unheard of for people to flirt with people they're comfortable with, regardless of their actual level of attraction- This is why you should pay attention to how she acts with everyone else.
• She asks you for romantic advice about some mystery guy, and then she does whatever you advised her to do to you!
• For me personally, when I like a guy, I'll do something for the whole group, like bake cookies, but I'll make sure HE gets first pick, I'll make HIS favorite flavor, and I'll give HIM a bigger portion... but even I admit that's overly subtle to be of any interpretable use.
• The most fool-proof way, is to gather your courage, ask her out, and prepare for the possibility of rejection- if she says yes, you have your answer. And, incidentally, a date!

#5: How can we tell if a woman is trying to let us know we've been friend-zoned?

• If she calls you any of the following: Bro, Dude, Man, Friend, Buddy.
• If she says "you're like a brother to me"
• If she says "your friendship is so precious to me, I'd never want to jeopardize it" (by the way I almost hate to write this because if I could, I'd tell every girl who says that that she's probably telling it to someone who could end up being a great match for her. It's really not a fair statement, but it IS a friend-zoning statement.)
• She discusses her crushes on other men with you
• She asks you for romantic advice and then does not do whatever you suggested with you
• If she suggests other women you would be "cute" with, or recommends other women for you to ask out.
• If she says "if it weren't for... *insert unchangeable characteristic that will never be different about yourself here* I could date you..." this sentence is tricky though- if she says "if it weren't for the fact that you smoke, I would totally go out with you", she may be dropping a hint that she likes you and wishes she could date you if you ever decided to quit smoking. If she says "If it weren't for the fact that you're 7 feet tall, or 20 years older than me, or a completely different religion than me, I would totally date you"- she's pointing out a truth, but also telling you that she's not going to change her mind about her feelings for you any more than you can make yourself a foot shorter, or 20 years younger, or suddenly believe an entirely different theology.
• The most FOOLPROOF way to know she's not interested? If when you ask her out, she says "No, I'm sorry, I just don't see you that way". IF you aren't sure how your friend feels about you, but you like her, just man up and ask her out.

What do you think, ladies? Have I represented us well enough? Would you like to add or argue with anything I've said? Respond in the comments!

Please send me your questions! I am working on a MEN: Decoded sequel to this for my Lady readers, so ladies, send me what you've always wondered about what men are thinking. I also hope today's blog will inspire my Male readers to send in more questions they hope to have answered! Send them in to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com or click the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page

"It's been over ten minutes since you last texted me- are you breaking up with me?!?!"

Dear Suzy,
I seem to have a tendency to be attracted to girls who ultimately turn out to be... well, they run the gamut between dramatic and downright crazy. I'm beginning to get the feeling that there must be indicators, warning signs that I've been missing before I get into these relationships. Are there any subtle symptoms of drama or craziness that I should look for before I get involved with a new girl?

Paranoid,

Ron in Gryffindor

Dear Ron,

I'll list a few attributes and behaviors for you below that I would classify as RED or ORANGE flags. These mean either DON'T PROCEED or Proceed With EXTREME Caution. And for my female readers, pay attention to what seemingly normal behaviors might be indicative of your own unattractive habits. Also bear in mind that most of these can be reversed and used to discern red flags for potential boyfriends as well, but for the sake of simplicity I will only use feminine pronouns.

• If she has a long list of "ex boyfriends" but has never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 3 months. Red Flag.
• If every single one of her exes is "a total jerk." Either this means she lacks wisdom and discernment about who she should be getting into relationships with, that she has trouble/is incapable of recognizing her own flaws and faults that might contribute to a relationship, or straddles some line between driving her boyfriends to extreme measures within the relationship to get rid of her and finding fault in every innocent gesture or mistake her boyfriend might make. Red Flag.
• If she has NO long-term friendships with other females. Orange Flag.
• If she has no healthy friendships at all with other females. Red Flag.
• If you have mutual friends that you feel you can probably trust, and you ask them about her, and they... hesitate before answering, and use vague terms- don't let your attraction cloud your judgement so much that you ignore this fairly obvious sign! Really pay attention, ask specific questions- if they give vague or qualifying answers, they probably know something they don't feel comfortable sharing, but it prevents them from giving their friend a glowing reference. If you are comfortably close with the mutual friend, try to press them for as much honest opinion as they feel comfortable sharing. Orange/Red Flag, depending on what they say.
• If she is loud, fixated, even obsessed with her status as a single person- talks about dating, relationships, her preferences, her desirability, even if she simply talks too loud and too often about how satisfied she is being single (thou dost protesteth too much?). This can be an indication that it's not necessarily YOU she likes, but the companionship you can provide for her. The caveat to this particular sign is you need to take great care when determining this about her- if she has friends who are obsessive about relationships, it can be deceptive, and appear that your prospective interest is equally obsessed because she is present during those conversations her friends are initiating. I'd classify this as a Light Orange Flag.
• Ask your guy friends (allow them total freedom for honesty without repercussion)  whether they see any possible issues with the girl, and if so, why do they think that. It is up to you to determine the trustworthiness, honesty and actual familiarity your friend has with you and the gal in question, but be honest with yourself- if you are talking to your BEST FRIEND and he knows you really well, and he has had reasonable opportunity to interact with this gal, listen to him. Heed his opinions. This is potentially an Orange or Red Flag.
• Does she seem immature for her age? Does she seem immature for your age? Don't go into the relationship acting under an assumption that she will "grow up". Red Flag.
• Did she seem to develop interest in you after learning something specific about your material posessions, such as your car, your income, your properties? Compound this question with whether she seems to put a great deal of stock into material things in her own life. Does she list Shopping as one of her favorite hobbies? This is only an Orange Flag, though.
• Reflect on your own tendencies. Have you been in the habit of dating women when they express interest in you first? Is it possible you tend to only date as a result of flattery or convenience, rather than your own actual taste? Now look at your current interest- what do you like about her other than her apparent interest in you? If this series of questions brings any doubt to your mind, consider it a Red Flag. 
• Watch her interactions with her friends in public closely. If her closer friends appear exasperated with her, or anxious to not be overly closely associated with her, that can be an Orange Flag. Or her friends might be jerks. Pay attention to the personalities of her friends to determine which one is most likely.
• As a friend/potential future boyfriend, can she stand to go a few days without contacting you? If she is already highly communicative with you, this is an indication that she will be AT LEAST the same level of "in touch" once you are in a relationship. Bear in mind that some people are just that communicative with everybody, so this is only an Orange Flag if you ask around and find that she is not nearly as in touch with anybody else.
• This one is a Biggie! Please pay attention, because one of my posts in the coming week will be expanding on this extremely important warning sign! Has she not been single for more than a few months since she started dating, or in a very, very long time? That is to say, is she ever long without being in a relationship? Can she stand to be single? If she can't manage to be happy by herself, this is a HUGE RED FLAG!!!!! I recognize there are some rare cases that have reasonable people in reasonable circumstances. But more likely, this person is addicted to companionship. It is less about who they are in a relationship with and more about being in a relationship at all. I'll expand more on this in my future post, though.

Ok, this list seems long enough, hopefully I have given you enough to chew on and haven't unwittingly incriminated any of my friends in the process. I am working on an in-depth series of blogs in which I will be providing translations from Girl Code into terms that men can better understand, and then provide the reverse service for my female readers. I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!! Please click on the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page, and send me any questions you've been dying to have answered about the opposite sex. Hopefully I can make us all more conversationally fluent in Martian and Venusian.

Quintessential Archie Andrews Quandary

Dear Suzy,

I like two different guys, what’s the best way to choose who I should date long term?  They are both gaining interest and I enjoy hanging out with both.

Flummoxed,

Ginny in The Burrow

Dear Ginny,

The best way for me to answer your questions is to provide a few questions of my own for you to ask yourself. Answer them in order, and if and only if your answer is "I don't know" or "both", move on to the next question:

1) Which person do you like better?

2) Which one do the trusted people in your life like better?

3) Which one has actually asked you out on a date? (if "neither", move on, or wait until one asks you out before you decide)

4) If both were to ask you out on a date for the same night, which one would you prefer to go with, or another way of putting it, which one would you be willing to move the other around to accommodate?

5) Which one do you most feel like yourself with? Which can you be yourself comfortably with?

6) & 7) Is either of them (or both of them) a good match for where you are in your life spiritually, professionally, socially? Which is the better match?

8) Which person, when you spend time with him, do you enjoy yourself more with?

If you answered "neither" to #2, #5 or #6, don't date either one- move on! or at least, really reflect before you get more serious with them

If you haven't gotten clarity by the time you finish answering all 8 of these questions, here are some tips:

1) be clear, open and honest with both of your suitors- continue dating them but don't allow yourself to get serious with one without letting the other know and discontinuing the second budding relationship. 

2) Set yourself strict, clear boundaries that you will not cross until you've chosen just one relationship to pursue whole-heartedly. (An example might be don't kiss either until you pick one- this will keep stronger emotions and attachments at bay). 

3) Eventually, you will begin to develop a stronger bond with one than with the other- regularly "check in" with yourself so that you identify when that starts happening as quickly as possible, so that you don't continue leading on the other contender longer than necessary and waste his time. 

Last and most importantly, 

4) Be content with your choice once you've made it. The right choice is the one you make, and if it turns out not to be the case, the relationship will run its course naturally. If you are constantly second guessing the choice you made, it will harm what may otherwise have been a great relationship. Moreover, if you are constantly comparing your chosen boyfriend to the "one that you let go", he will quickly come to resent it- even if you only do it privately, he will be able to sense it to some extent. But if you allow yourself to enjoy the relationship you choose, it will come to one of two natural conclusions. Don't allow yourself to doubt the choice you made if the relationship ends- life happens.

Once again I encourage my readers to write in! Please send me your questions, comments, criticisms- I welcome them all! Remember, I will take any question you throw at me, not just dating and relationships. I am a certified Chef, I can even answer questions about recipes and food! Just click the "Email Us" link on the right hand side of this page, or write in to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com. Thank you!