The Intermezzo
For those of you readers who may not have worked at a 4 star restaurant, or eaten at one on a regular basis, I will first explain what an intermezzo is. In foodie language, it is a very small serving of a strong, cleansing element, acting as a palate cleanser between courses of a meal to allow the eater to better appreciate the flavors of each course, unadulterated. It is often a frozen granita or sorbet that is not very sweet, in a strong, bittersweet or sour flavor to sort of wash the mouth of the previous course without lingering itself. Common flavors are grapefruit, kiwi & sour orange, mint, even lemon & wasabi!
"That's a nice fancy food lesson, Suzy, but what does any of this have to do with a relationship?" Thank you for asking, imaginary reader- I'll tell you: The intermezzo is as often forgotten in a relationship as it is in a meal. As a course, it is not necessarily even pleasant and certainly can't stand alone as really anything outside it's intended purpose- no matter how good it might be, I've never seen anyone order 3 large scoops of lemon wasabi sorbet by itself or even for dessert. It is bittersweet, and sour, a little harsh and vitally important to the consumer's enjoyment of their following courses. In a relationship, the intermezzo is that first taste of something... potentially unpleasant. It's when, after getting to know each other and spending some time together, you finally stumble upon something about your increasingly more significant other that might just be a problem. Sometimes this comes in the form of the "first fight", other times it's just when you've reached a point where you trust each other enough to be honest about your uglier side. It may even be that you've just finally gotten comfortable enough to show something that you weren't intentionally hiding, but wasn't evident in the beginning. Every person has something about themselves that will present at least a "yellow flag" to their boyfriend or girlfriend at some point. It is really best, if at all possible, that you wait to find the intermezzo in your relationship before moving on to the entrees. If you find all the "issues" with a person right off the bat, it is rare that you would get past the salad anyway, and if you did you're likely to find another batch of issues once you get there.
This may sound awfully negative, but again, in it's proper place, with proper timing, in a proper portion, the Intermezzo contributes all kinds of positive things to the meal as a whole. We are all bound to find small issues with the people we have relationships with, and when we reach these intermezzo moments, we need to take it in, let it sit in our mouths for a bit, and decide if we want to continue to the next course. Often, this is a moment when we realize we've had our fill- it was fun, but really, we're not ready for anything heavier. Or perhaps the intermezzo is more bitter or more sour than we'd prefer, and we find that we can't swallow it. It's OK! This is why we have these moments in relationships! We have to have rough patches and challenges to find out if we really want to move past them. And the best part is, when and if we do move on to the next stage, our relationship is better for it. We are accepting one another with eyes wide open for what we are, sour tastes and bitterness and all. If you are in a relationship and you've made it through the salads, and are starting to get pretty close, take a step back and look at your partner- if you are being honest with yourself and your eyes are open in your relationship, you should be able to name those bittersweet intermezzo moments or attributes that you acknowledge and accept, and if your relationship is moving forward, you'll be able to say that you're happy in spite of them, and even perhaps because of them.
One last important attribute of the Intermezzo that I don't want to leave un-addressed; it is a very small serving. If I were to serve a soup-bowl full of grapefruit sorbet in the middle of the meal, it would absolutely kill the appetite of my guest- even if he finished it, he would have no inclination to move on to the rest of his meal. In the same way, the intermezzo stage of a relationship shouldn't take as much time or emotional energy as any one of the other courses. If your problems, issues, red, yellow, and orange flags have become as much a part of your relationship as your spiritual connections, positive emotional connections, and time spent enjoying each other, you need to reassess your approach. Either you are being overly-critical or analytical of your partner, or they are not right for you. Your issues should not equal or outweigh whatever positive effect the relationship is having on your life.
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