We've all been where this guy is at, though hopefully to a much lesser extent. My last two posts were all about learning to recognize when a person is not interested in you romantically. Today's post will hopefully provide some insight into how to deal with all those feelings of rejection, inadequacy, etc. after not only scenarios in which your person of interest is not interested in you, but also breakups, getting fired, not being offered a position you desire, or being flat turned down.
I started out my preparation for this blog by first surveying my Facebook friends about what they do to handle rejection, and they gave me some great examples of both what to do and what not to do. I will start with a few examples of what not to do.
- Egging the person's car or any other forms of vandalism. You are not 12. And if you are 12, still don't do it. Seriously.
- Any form of practical joke- whether it's ordering 30 pizzas to be delivered to their house or putting their number on a telemarketing call list, it is NOT sane or ok to be spiteful, vindictive or petty towards a person (ever, but particularly) for rejecting you.
- Spreading gossip about that person. Even if it's true, it'll make you look as bad as them. Consider the fact that if the person is really all that terrible, it reflects on your poor judgement for having been interested in them. Be the bigger person, don't discuss them at all if you can't be kind and constructive.
- Avoiding the person (if you're friends, just act normal).
- Asking God to change their mind, He knows your heart, and He also knows theirs. If you are destined to be with that person, God will make it happen at the right time, and you really wouldn't want it to happen under any other circumstances.
- Refusing to listen to sound wisdom and encouragement that friends and family provide.
- Sulking. You can allow yourself a reasonable interval to feel like crap- but set a time limit. Make plans for a few days after the fact and don't let yourself skip them, even if you still don't feel all that social.
- Talking it over and over and over with any friends who will listen. They will secretly or openly resent you for it, and every time you re-hash every dadgum interaction you ever had with the person who rejected you, you are ripping off the scab, reopening the wound and refusing to heal.
Here are some examples of reactions and coping mechanisms that aren't ideal, but are acceptable and even therapeutic in moderation:
- Cry. Let it out! Our tears are actually one of our body's best, most effective methods of ridding itself of stress hormones. If you feel like you want to cry, don't hold it in- let it out, but set a limit on it. Some people are like fire hydrants, where once they start crying, it's difficult to stop. If this describes you, a few helpful tips: Try to go somewhere cold, like a walk-in refrigerator- you'll cry, but the cold will help your body calm down more quickly. If you don't have a walk-in fridge or cold weather outside to utilize, stick your head in the freezer for a couple of minutes, or splash cold water on your face. Amazingly effective.
- Watching a good, upbeat movie or rereading a favorite book. A lot of women in particular favor watching chick-flicks, but I recommend comedies and action movies, or perhaps movies where the protagonist discovers him/herself and/or accomplishes something other than a relationship. It's kind of rubbing salt in the wound to watch fictional, unattainable relationships in the midst of your own rejection.
- Eat chocolate. The darker, the better- it's not just an old wives' tale, chocolate has two chemical properties that encourage happiness and contentment. First, it has caffeine and sugar, which will help you feel a bit more energized- great for staving off depression. Secondly, it contains endorphins, which are a natural hormone that encourages a feeling of happiness and well-being.
- Exercise. No really! The endorphins help, and sometimes running as hard and fast as you can just wears you out and empties your head- you can block out the negative thoughts for a minute, and it forces you to breathe. More than once, immediately after a bad breakup I took a run (and I am NOT a runner), and just wearing myself out, being out of breath, it kept the hurt at bay in those initial hours. Eventually you'll have to face your feelings, but this is ok to do initially.
Now for the best I can offer- HOW TO cope with rejection in a healthy, positive way:
- Accept the truth that just because a specific person is not interested in you doesn't mean there is something WRONG with you. There can be (and usually is) a number of reasonable factors that are outside of your control that lead to a person's disinterest in you. Obsessing over why they don't like you will create useless insecurity.
- Move on. I know better than to recommend this as some sort of immediate thing- I know it will take time, but allow it to happen. Wallowing and obsessing and refusing to let go won't help.
- Spend time with your friends; allow them to lift you up and encourage you.
"A friend loves at all times" (Proverbs 17:17)
- Turn to God, and to His Word. When you're hurting, it can almost feel cliche to have someone tell you yet again that God loves you, He has your best interests at heart, and will never forsake you, but it's TRUE! Keep the following in mind:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18)
"He extends compassion and comfort to you, which, in turn, you can give to others" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
"The Lord will not reject His people; He will never forsake His inheritance" (Psalm 94:14)
"I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation." (Psalm 13:5)
- Accept God's plan and remember that He knows what's best.
"Praise be to God, who has NOT rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!" (Psalm 66:20)
"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" (Deuteronomy 31:8)
- Actively seek the Lord and turn outward, serving others. It will help you get outside your own selfish complaints and will give God opportunities to move you where you need to be. It is not enough to try to get away from negative thoughts, you have to actively move towards positive things.
"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." (Genesis 4:7)
"There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1)
- And lastly, forgive the person who rejects you, don't hold grudges.
And HEY, It's gonna be OK. Really.
