1st Question! Sexuality vs. Sex

Dear Suzy,

• I was wondering what you meant (in part 4 of your "Best Meal" series) by sexuality having a place in the relationship- were you meaning sex before marriage?

  
  

  Confused,

  Mr. Collins in Rosings Park

  
  

  Dear Mr. Collins,

  
  

  What a great question! I am so glad you asked me to clarify, because I would hate to have been misunderstood. In the context of that blog in particular, I mentioned sexuality as a way of differentiating "friendly touch" from "romantic touch". The difference between Physicality and Sexuality is the difference between my touching my friend Kristen's arm to let her know I'm there for her, and my touching the same place on my boyfriend's arm just to let him know I enjoy his touch and his presence in my life. I guarantee that in this blog you will never see me condoning or encouraging extramarital sex, and I welcome all of my readers to hold me accountable if they ever see something that could be construed that way. 

  
  

  Now that hopefully that misunderstanding is a bit better clarified, though, I'd like to comment for a moment on why I think we've come to a place where such distinctions (between sexuality and sex) need to be made. In our western culture, our media is riddled with sex- this is not a profound statement. But what's amazing is, for all the jumping in and out of bed with each other that we watch our protagonists do, there is actually very little healthy sexuality in the context of a relationship being portrayed. What I mean is, in a show or movie, you may have a flirtation for a very, very, very long time- but once the barrier of relationship is finally crossed, and the couple you've been watching all this time finally kiss, or even hold hands, it's only a matter of minutes, scenes, or at most episodes before you see the couple getting into bed together, actually having sex, or waking up next to each other.

  
  

   The only exception to this in any of the shows I can think of are the couples who are so young they would be taboo to root for (and even that age is getting lower and lower) and, occasionally, in paranormal shows where the vampire/werewolf/whatever boyfriend is too tempted to kill or too traditional because he's old. Even then, in the case of a popular show Vampire Diaries, it was within the first season that the tension became too much for the main characters and they were sleeping together, 100 year age difference notwithstanding. 

  
  

  My point (and yes, I have one) is that sexuality is most easily defined as everything but sex. The act itself, while extremely enjoyable, is not actually that sexy most of the time- that is a big part of why the networks and movies cut just before the actual act starts- it's hard to make it not look awkward and a little gross... Sexuality is every little touch between a couple that makes tingles go up their arm, and causes them to understand the term "butterflies in my stomach". The various stages of hand holding; the arm-touches; ladies, when you walk up behind your boyfriend and hook your hand in the crook of his elbow, causing him to stand more confidently no matter who he's talking to; the little kisses on the face, the back of the hand; the arm around your shoulders- your waist; dancing with each other and feeling his breath tickle your ear as he sings off-key along with the music because he trusts you; letting him spin you too much, too fast because you know he'll catch you at the end of the song  and hold you until the room stops spinning; that extra hand-squeeze before you walk into an intimidating situation; her head resting in that nook between your shoulder and your chest while you watch a movie.... I could go on and on, but all these things are either physicality or sexuality within a relationship, these are those "seasonings" I referred to in my previous post. You'll notice, I didn't even mention actual kissing, necking or making out- even couples who choose to save kissing until the wedding day can have some form of healthy "sexual" expression with their partners. This is also my response to those who ask "well how can you know if you have a good chemistry or if you're 'well matched' for each other if you've never kissed/had sex before you get married?" Chemistry can be gauged from any of the things I listed above (and I'm sure you can think of other examples) and as far as being "well matched" goes- communication within a relationship where the couple is already well-matched in non-physical matters is the only thing you need to ensure that who you choose to marry will be a perfect match for you sexually. If you communicate in pre-marital talks and counseling about your expectations in that area, there won't be too many big surprises. If you communicate after you marry about what you like and dislike in that context, you will learn to be each other's perfect partner. And if you communicate when problems arise, you will be able to work through them together and become a stronger couple for it- this right here is a type of communication that rarely even occurs with extramarital sexual circumstances, because so often such problems are thought to be that "deal breaker" issue that they were waiting to arise all along.

  
  

  I even venture to say that many marriages in which one or both individuals feel that the "spark" has gone out of their relationship have actually more lost their sexuality, their romance. Since they have access to sex more readily than non-married persons, they start skipping the commercials, they eliminate the anticipation, romance, tingles and excitement about each other because they can... This is really fodder for its own post, though.

  
  

  Anyway, this post is long enough- if you have any questions for me about this post or anything else going on in your life, family, work, food preparation, book selection or whatever, please click the "email us" link on the right-hand side of this page, or open your own window and write to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com. Thanks!