REJECTED- Getting Over It

We've all been where this guy is at, though hopefully to a much lesser extent. My last two posts were all about learning to recognize when a person is not interested in you romantically. Today's post will hopefully provide some insight into how to deal with all those feelings of rejection, inadequacy, etc. after not only scenarios in which your person of interest is not interested in you, but also breakups, getting fired, not being offered a position you desire, or being flat turned down. 

 I started out my preparation for this blog by first surveying my Facebook friends about what they do to handle rejection, and they gave me some great examples of both what to do and what not to do. I will start with a few examples of what not to do.

• Egging the person's car or any other forms of vandalism. You are not 12. And if you are 12, still don't do it. Seriously.
• Any form of practical joke- whether it's ordering 30 pizzas to be delivered to their house or putting their number on a telemarketing call list, it is NOT sane or ok to be spiteful, vindictive or petty towards a person (ever, but particularly) for rejecting you.
• Spreading gossip about that person. Even if it's true, it'll make you look as bad as them. Consider the fact that if the person is really all that terrible, it reflects on your poor judgement for having been interested in them. Be the bigger person, don't discuss them at all if you can't be kind and constructive.
• Avoiding the person (if you're friends, just act normal).
• Asking God to change their mind, He knows your heart, and He also knows theirs. If you are destined to be with that person, God will make it happen at the right time, and you really wouldn't want it to happen under any other circumstances. 
• Refusing to listen to sound wisdom and encouragement that friends and family provide.
• Sulking. You can allow yourself a reasonable interval to feel like crap- but set a time limit. Make plans for a few days after the fact and don't let yourself skip them, even if you still don't feel all that social.
• Talking it over and over and over with any friends who will listen. They will secretly or openly resent you for it, and every time you re-hash every dadgum interaction you ever had with the person who rejected you, you are ripping off the scab, reopening the wound and refusing to heal.

Here are some examples of reactions and coping mechanisms that aren't ideal, but are acceptable and even therapeutic in moderation:

• Cry. Let it out! Our tears are actually one of our body's best, most effective methods of ridding itself of stress hormones. If you feel like you want to cry, don't hold it in- let it out, but set a limit on it. Some people are like fire hydrants, where once they start crying, it's difficult to stop. If this describes you, a few helpful tips: Try to go somewhere cold, like a walk-in refrigerator- you'll cry, but the cold will help your body calm down more quickly. If you don't have a walk-in fridge or cold weather outside to utilize, stick your head in the freezer for a couple of minutes, or splash cold water on your face. Amazingly effective.
• Watching a good, upbeat movie or rereading a favorite book. A lot of women in particular favor watching chick-flicks, but I recommend comedies and action movies, or perhaps movies where the protagonist discovers him/herself and/or accomplishes something other than a relationship. It's kind of rubbing salt in the wound to watch fictional, unattainable relationships in the midst of your own rejection.
• Eat chocolate. The darker, the better- it's not just an old wives' tale, chocolate has two chemical properties that encourage happiness and contentment. First, it has caffeine and sugar, which will help you feel a bit more energized- great for staving off depression. Secondly, it contains endorphins, which are a natural hormone that encourages a feeling of happiness and well-being.
• Exercise. No really! The endorphins help, and sometimes running as hard and fast as you can just wears you out and empties your head- you can block out the negative thoughts for a minute, and it forces you to breathe. More than once, immediately after a bad breakup I took a run (and I am NOT a runner), and just wearing myself out, being out of breath, it kept the hurt at bay in those initial hours. Eventually you'll have to face your feelings, but this is ok to do initially.

Now for the best I can offer- HOW TO cope with rejection in a healthy, positive way:

• Accept the truth that just because a specific person is not interested in you doesn't mean there is something WRONG with you. There can be (and usually is) a number of reasonable factors that are outside of your control that lead to a person's disinterest in you. Obsessing over why they don't like you will create useless insecurity. 
• Move on. I know better than to recommend this as some sort of immediate thing- I know it will take time, but allow it to happen. Wallowing and obsessing and refusing to let go won't help.
• Spend time with your friends; allow them to lift you up and encourage you. 

"A friend loves at all times" (Proverbs 17:17)

• Turn to God, and to His Word. When you're hurting, it can almost feel cliche to have someone tell you yet again that God loves you, He has your best interests at heart, and will never forsake you, but it's TRUE! Keep the following in mind: 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18)

God says, "I will turn the darkness to light before them and make the rough places smooth... I will not forsake them." (Isaiah 42:16)

"He extends compassion and comfort to you, which, in turn, you can give to others" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

"The Lord will not reject His people; He will never forsake His inheritance" (Psalm 94:14)

• Accept God's plan and remember that He knows what's best.

"Praise be to God, who has NOT rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!" (Psalm 66:20)

"I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation." (Psalm 13:5)

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" (Deuteronomy 31:8)

• Actively seek the Lord and turn outward, serving others. It will help you get outside your own selfish complaints and will give God opportunities to move you where you need to be. It is not enough to try to get away from negative thoughts, you have to actively move towards positive things.

"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." (Genesis 4:7) 

"There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1)

• And lastly, forgive the person who rejects you, don't hold grudges.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13) 

And HEY, It's gonna be OK. Really.

Men DECODED: Part 2~ Signs He's Just Not That Into You

Previously, we explored the treacherous world of female disinterest- for women, how to display it to thwart unwanted pursuers  and for men, how to recognize a hint when it has been dropped to save yourselves a little dignity in the midst of rejection.

Today, I'll be outlining the antithetical perspective (that means opposite, I've been studying for the GRE lately so expect a few vocabulary lessons bestrewn -sprinkled- throughout my upcoming posts), providing much needed insight for my readers of the fairer sex to know when it's time to move on from a crush, and tips for my male readers on how to let a gal down easy and hopefully avoid an awkward DTR (Defining The Relationship) talk. I encouraged my male readers to let me in on their personal methods for letting a woman know he's not interested, and a few of my friends came through for me. I will be intermingling their replies with my own observations, and yes, even a few hints that landed with me from men I was interested in in the past who successfully dropped the hint and have remained my friends afterwards.

1) If he says "You're a dear friend to me", he doesn't think of you as anything more significant than that. In his own mind, he is telling you that you are so important to him he doesn't want to risk losing you by putting your relationship in a place that may end with a breakup. Two important things to understand about this "friend-zoning". 

• Ladies- I know this is an unfair, silly idea and what is wrong with men that they don't recognize how silly it is to eliminate the best women in their lives- BELIEVE ME, I know! BUT there is NOTHING you can say or do that will make a guy change his opinions about this. ACCEPT it, and maybe someday God or his own brain will make him realize what a mistake it is to pass you up. In the meantime, MOVE ON. 
• Men- If you read the above tip and think, "that's exactly what's going on with me", I STRONGLY encourage, I Implore you to click the following link when you have 45 minutes to spare- it'll be an exceptionally wise use of your time. 

http://www.watermark.org/media/dating-on-target/2432/

• One further sidenote for my men, if you watch the video above, it will be your inclination to come up with any number of reasons why it's great advice for most people but you are the obvious exception for x, y, and z. NO YOU ARE NOT! It was WRITTEN for YOU! LISTEN to it! TALK to your friends about whether you are intentionally putting on mental earplugs to truth that you SHOULD hear because you think you are some kind of special case. In my observation, every one of the men that I spoke to who heard the message posted above told me why they consider themselves the exception to the intended audience. ALL of you can not be the exception! That's a logical fallacy! Whew, ok, getting down off my soapbox now.

*AHem* As I was saying, signs he's not interested:

2) Now this is one that a friend of mine actually said to me, I'm going to write his exact words for you verbatim  because the message was received LOUD and CLEAR and had no negative effect on my opinion of him or on our friendship: "So many girls mistake my friendliness for flirtation, or my flirtation for intention. I appreciate that you know that if I am interested in you, I will ask you out, and you don't over- analyze my flirtation if I have not actually asked you out!" Two things are happening here. First of all, he verbalized and clarified with me in the form of a compliment, giving me credit that I already knew what he was saying out loud to me, and making me feel more like he trusted me and appreciated my understanding. Second of all, he reiterated what should be a well understood fact that is evidently not well understood at all by the ladies of our generation. That is, ultimately, if he likes you, he will eventually ask you out. If he has been acting the same way with you for a long time (6+ months?) and has never asked you out, he's probably never going to. He's not into you. Move on.

3) This is another one that I'm drawing from personal experience. I was asking a friend of mine who I actually wasn't particularly interested in whether he would be going to a certain social function about a month in the future. He said "Yeah, If I go I'll probably bring a date..." And then he did not use that segue to ask me to be his date. Point Taken. If a man is talking to a woman, and he either unnecessarily confirms his plans to have a date for a particular function or comments on the need to find a date, and then does not IMMEDIATELY ask the woman he is talking to, he does not think of her in that way. He is not interested! Even if he is not intentionally using that opportunity to draw a clear line for her, if he liked you he would use that opportunity to do something about it.

4) If, in the middle of a conversation with you, a man is constantly watching his surroundings, and (especially when another woman comes in) he abruptly leaves or stops the conversation to go talk to someone else, he's not interested in you. Even some of the most ADD men have Juggernaut levels of intensity and focus when they have an opportunity to talk to the woman they wish to pursue. If there is some exceptional situation where a man HAS to interrupt you and leave, he will be apologetic and try to reestablish the conversation as soon as possible with you to make sure you know you are important. There are exceptions to this rule, but in every case, the guy is a rude jerk and you shouldn't care if he is interested.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juggernaut

5) If he EVER compares his relationship with you to that of a sibling, Move On.

6) If he talks about other women as potential prospects with you, Move On.

7) If he suggests other men you should consider dating, MOVE ON! No man will try to set up or divert the attention of the woman he is interested in. Ever.

Now that I've taught y'all how to recognize the signs that a person of the opposite sex is not interested in you and letting you know it, I'm not just going to leave you to wallow in your loneliness- That would be a pretty Jerk move on my part. Tune in to my next post to learn all about Dealing With Rejection in a healthy, productive way that can minimize your hurt. In the meantime, please send me your questions, love letters and hate-mail at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com or click the convenient "email us" link on the right-hand side of this page. Thanks!

Women DECODED: Part 2~ Signs She's Just Not That Into You

Dear Suzy,

I have a male friend I have known for a few months now. He is very friendly to everyone but the past few times I've seen him I've felt like he's been... Well... Super friendly. The hugs have gotten tighter, he sits to where he's touching me even if he has room to scooch, and he talks to me a LOT. I haven't had official confirmation of any kind but I feel as if this person is attracted to me and/or has a crush on me. I am not attracted to him through no fault of his own. How can I handle the situation and effectively friend-zone him without being mean/rude/pretentious?

Elizabeth in Longbourne

Dear Elizabeth,

I am going to take this opportunity in my reply to you, to add to my ongoing series which provides translations for both sexes to understand each other. I will write my tips as signs to the man, so they can easily identify when my female readers are giving them off. 

If you want to up your chances that the guy you're not interested in will get the hint, share this post on your Facebook and Twitter using the links below- maybe he'll read it!

Truly, the least uncomfortable rejections are those that never have to be verbalized. If the recipient can be aware enough of his (or her) surroundings to realize that his crush is not interested without forcing them to say so, it usually saves embarrassment for both!

However, it is not OK to put off these conversations in order to allow yourself to prolong false hope. If you are forever putting off asking a woman out, not only may you miss your window of opportunity, but there is a very good chance you are already picking up on one or more of the signs listed below, & however subconsciously it may be, you know that she's not interested and you are putting off her inevitable rejection. If you do not see these signs, or cannot help but believe your case is exceptional, MAN UP, muster your courage and ASK HER OUT- directly and in a way that requires a YES or a NO.

So what are the signs she's just not that into you?

• First of all, women are perceptive. We can often tell when a man we are acquainted with has developed feelings for us. If we realize or suspect that this is the case, we may change our behavior to discourage your interest. If there is a noticeable change in her comfort level with you since you started showing her special attention, this is probably a sign. Specific behaviors to consider:
• Her once full hugs have become half-hugs, her half-hugs have become high-fives or nothing at all.
• She is less available, always has a reason not to sit next to you, or avoids sitting next to you without citing a reason.

***I have heard more than one of my male friends justify when they see behavior like this from the object of their affection, convincing themselves that the woman they are "wooing" is so overwhelmed with flattery that she doesn't know how to react. It reminds me of the following scene in the book/movie Pride and Prejudice, which I will let speak for itself:

• When a woman is interested in a man, she will try to find opportunities to be around a that person. If she is even less available than usual, she is not interested. She may not have actually thought about it one way or another, but it is still a good indicator that she's not specifically attracted to you.
• If you call, text or otherwise initiate contact and she takes a long time (4+ days) to respond or does not respond at all, that's a pretty good sign she's not interested. We may not always reply super promptly, but we won't forget or ignore a man that we are interested in. However, just because she does reply promptly, that does not necessarily equate to her being interested in you- she may just be conscientious and prompt getting back with everyone who calls or texts her.
• Whenever you suggest that the two of you go do something together, she only seems interested as long as multiple other people come along (and those other people aren't couples).
• She talks about other men she is interested in in front of you. Yes, sometimes a woman will do this to appear desirable and wanted, so this is not a surefire sign, but in conjunction with other signs, this can tip the scales. Also the amount she's talking about other guys. A gal won't gush about another man in front of one she's interested in.
• She flirts with other men in front of you. See above caveat.
• She is more flirtatious with anyone other than you in the same setting.
• She is vague or noncommittal about plans when discussing them with you. For instance, you hear her talking about a party on friday night. "Oh, you're going to the party on friday, too?" She sort of pauses, or stutters, and says, "well, maaaaybe... I'm not sure. I might come, I really won't know until just before it starts..." She is making sure that if you come to the party, it's not solely on her account, and is also ensuring you don't suggest a car pool. Which leads me to my next point:
• She avoids being left alone with you, even if just for a moment at a party. It's not that she thinks you're going to attack her or something, but she may be avoiding any opening for a conversation in which you may put her in a position to have to reject you to your face. It may seem like kind of a jerk move because it may allow you to keep your hopes up longer, but honestly we really don't like to reject a man any more than he likes being rejected!
• I've mentioned this in a previous blog, but if she calls you "dude" or compares your relationship with her to that of a sibling, she is NOT INTERESTED.

My next post will be in similar form, letting my FEMALE readers know how they can tell when a MAN is not interested in them, and offering tips for my male readers on how to kindly make it clear to a woman that they are not interested in her. I ask my male readers to email me at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com and let me know, what do YOU do to let a woman know you don't think of her as anything more than a friend? Ladies, do you have any suggestions or signs that you give off that you think should be added to the list? Please post them in the comments section below!

Signature Dish

Hello, dear readers! 

The writer of the blog Sparkly In The City at sparklyinthecity.blogspot.com recently wrote a post about the advantages of having a signature dish. In short, it's a special dish that you can make easily and bring to parties, so that eventually you become known for bringing it and everyone can automatically assume you have some cooking prowess, even if in reality it is the only dish you have ever known how to make in your entire life. So my friend Sparkly asked if I would write a sister post to hers about HOW to make a signature dish. So I'll list a few tips below:

•  Think of dishes you like to eat at parties. Since this is your signature dish, and it will be at most of the parties you attend (because you're the one bringing it) it is unwise to select a base- recipe that isn't even appealing to you. 
•  Google the recipes- look at multiple dishes, and select one based on your level of cooking experience- I've been a chef for 7 years and I still wouldn't sign up to make souffle my signature dish, because the difficulty in a flawless execution is not something I want to go through before every party. 
• If you are a novice in the kitchen, read over the recipe and look for action words you don't understand. You either need to immediately google the word and figure out if it's just a pretentious word for a simple action, or move on to a recipe that you understand upon first look. 
• Short ingredient lists do not necessarily indicate simple recipes, but I do recommend them- For a signature dish, you don't want to have to restock your entire kitchen with ingredients that you don't even know how to use in any dish other than your signature. You want to keep it simple, so that you can make a 5 minute trip to the store, or always have your kitchen stocked with the ingredients, and hopefully make the dish with very little notice or forethought.
• Now, you've selected a recipe- what's so signature about a dish that you found a recipe for online? First of all, that it's homemade. You're already making something more special than any of those people who bring a 2 liter of Dr Pepper or a bag of chips. But you know I'm fixing to tell you how to make the dish truly signature- special and secret!
• My best trick for secret or signature recipes is that even if I were to take a recipe and just change or add one ingredient- I just changed the entire chemistry of the dish! You only need ONE change to make something completely different. Here are some suggestions for what you can add to make something just a little bit special:
• On a sweet signature dish, it may be as simple as sprinkling a tiny pinch of sea salt onto the top of whatever you make.
• I'm a native Texan, and we have a habit of adding Jalapeno to EVERYTHING. But, in all fairness, it always makes things taste better! There are some great seasonings out there like Jalapeno salt and Habanero salt that you can use in order to add a punch of flavor while still practicing restraint.
• Bacon. Most party-goers will enthusiastically consume things with bacon added if only to say they tried it. All the better if you succeed. I do not recommend that most new or novice chefs bother trying to add bacon to ice cream, even as a professional I have found it exceedingly difficult to avoid it turning into ice cream with bits of soggy meat. Come to think of it, you could, however, serve some fresh, crispy maple bacon bits on the side in a bowl to sprinkle on top along with nuts, cherries and whipped cream!
• For both sweet and savory (salty, meaty, hearty) dishes, add just a pinch of cinnamon, nutmeg, chili powder, ginger, clove to the recipe to change the depth of flavor. You can even play with curry or cumin if you're really adventurous, just be extremely cautious and only add a very very little bit at a time.
• You can add mint or basil to either savory or sweet dishes, but take great care in how you add it, how much you add and what flavor profiles you are adding it to. If you are unsure, allow yourself opportunity to experiment before you need to have the dish ready for others to consume, or write me specifically and let me know what the dish you want to alter is, and how you think you'd like to enhance it. I can help you individually with what you need.
• You can also take something basic and add a sauce, like a peanut butter chocolate cream pie that I made a few weeks ago- It was a pretty typical pie recipe, but I  added a sweet, grapey red wine sauce on the side for people to put on the plate with their slice, so that they got a PB&J sort of flavor profile.
• You may also be able to mix up different recipes. Again with the pie crust example, If you have a recipe that calls for a graham cracker crust, you may choose to mix it up, and make one with a different kind of cookie or cracker, like Oreos, Club crackers, Nilla Wafers, even pretzels! Though I prefer, when working with something salty like pretzels, to mix the crumbs with a sweeter cookie like the Oreos, Grahams or Nilla wafers.
• Pay attention to popular flavor pairings. If you have a great recipe for something that is heavy on caramel, you may have noticed the recent trend of adding salt to caramel desserts. You don't, however, see a lot of "sea-salted raspberries". Keep in mind what is already appealing and popular when you're messing with recipes. I'm not saying you shouldn't try a little salt on your raspberry dream bars, but I BEG you to taste and taste again before you serve it to a bunch of people and get a reputation for bad tasting food. 
• One more option is to consider taking all the elements of a classic dish and making it into a less conventional state- for instance, you may freeze your cream pie, or you may make a milkshake with all the flavors of banana pudding. You may take a popular punch or beverage and freeze it into small Popsicles- root beer float on a stick, anybody? You may even simply take the elements of a loose dessert, or one with lots of components, and make it easier to eat in a party setting. One example of this is that I once took all the components of a banana split, spooned small portions of each onto a crepe, and made little sweet dessert spring-rolls. They were cute, clever, delicious, and really very simple to make. 
• I even took that idea a little further because I froze a few of them, stuck a Popsicle stick into them, battered them in pancake batter and fried them. You can fry ANYTHING. This is not necessarily for novice cooks, though- hot oil is nothing to take lightly. Please exercise caution and obtain more experienced supervision whenever cooking with hot oil until you are comfortable and experienced in doing it without help.

I am excited to hear what signature dishes my readers can come up with! Please email me your new signature ideas, recipes, successes and disasters. If you send me photos, all the better! I hope to post a follow up blog to this in a few weeks featuring y'all's culinary adventures!

I Must Have Said It Wrong...

Dear Suzy,

I'm the kind of guy who enjoys giving women compliments. I like to make them smile and feel good about themselves, and I am in the habit of commenting on a woman's dress, or jewelry, or whatever is striking about them to let them know somebody noticed. The problem is, often women take my compliments as flirtation. I would like to be able to compliment my female friends, not just women I happen to be interested in, but so many of them take it the wrong way! What can I do? Is there a way to be complimentary without being flirtatious?

P.S. I love your writing!

Daniel Clever

Dear Daniel,

Aww Shucks, thanks, stud! But seriously, this is a great question! It is not well known enough that there is a right and a wrong way to compliment a lady friend. The nuances are subtle, but hopefully I can shed some light on the subject. For those of my male readers who are more interested in learning how to compliment a woman in a more flirtatious way, I'll be giving examples of both.

First and foremost,some women are just hoping to be flirted with, and may read into whatever you say, no matter how innocent. That's just the way it is, but don't take it personally, take it as a compliment. Either she likes you, or she reads into what every man says to her. These are just some simple tips to maximize accurate communication.

Now, you can give what sounds like the same compliment, two ways, and the two will be received completely differently. For example, If you were talking to this girl:

You might want to compliment her necklace. But take care, complimenting a woman's necklace points out that your eye was drawn to her neck and chest. This may give her the impression that you were admiring her chest and happened to notice the necklace. Instead, look for something in a less "hot zone" to compliment, like her smile, or her earrings- when you compliment a woman's earrings, all that tells her is that you were looking at her face while she was talking to you and you noticed the sparkly things right next to it- relatively harmless, and very little can be read into that.

Say you see this gal at a party:

You may be about to tell her that the dress she is wearing looks nice on her. Seems harmless enough, but what many women hear is "your body looks nice in that dress". When in doubt, if you want to be certain you aren't giving ANY mixed signals, try this compliment instead: "That's a great color on you!" color is harmless. Color is your friend. The only thing on a girl's outfit or self that wouldn't be fairly safe to compliment the color of would be her lips.

Now for a bit of practice, I'll post a few photos, with the flirtatious and then the harmless compliments for each:

Possible flirting: "That's a beautiful necklace!" 

(Yes, I know it's true, and fairly harmless, but you're looking right at her chest. In this particular case, though, it is a very different looking piece of jewelry, so you can still comment on it, but choose your words carefully)

Safe: "What an interesting piece of jewelry! Does it have a story?" (The word interesting is still complimentary, but much safer than commenting on beauty. Asking about where she got the necklace or something like that immediately, indicates that you really are interested in the piece, as well as hearing what she has to say.)

Flirting: "That's a pretty necklace" or "that necklace looks pretty on your neck"

Safe: "Those are cool earrings" or "those are nice earrings"

Flirting: "WOW!" or "That dress looks GREAT on you!" or "You look GREAT in that dress!"

Safe: "That's a great color on you!"

Flirting: "I LOVE your dress!" or "that dress looks amazing on you!"

Safe: "You have a nice smile..."

Flirting: Pretty much almost anything a man says to a woman in this outfit will be taken as a veiled flirtation

Safe: um... er... "Would you like to borrow my coat/pancho/snuggie?"

and last:

Yeah, right, like YOU would worried about complimenting Kim Kardashian without her getting the wrong idea about your intentions. Yeah, OKAY. *Scoffs*

Please send me your questions! Simply click the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page or send your questions to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com.

Men Decoded: Lesson 1

This post is for you, gals! I asked my female readers to submit their questions about men, what they're thinking, and what they really mean. A few of you delivered, and after interviewing many young men and doing a bit of research, I have your first few questions!

1) Why do men often have such a hard time listening?

Studies have shown that men have a stronger ability to deactivate the listening centers in the brain, literally "tuning out" when they are focused on something else, even listening to something specific. Other studies have suggested that men have directional audio reception, meaning that they tend to hear better when the sound is coming directly towards their ears as opposed to their face or their back. You may notice that many people, particularly men, will slightly tilt their ear towards someone when they are intent on hearing that person- this is functional!

If you really want to increase your chances of a specific man hearing what you have to say, here are a few tips:

• Rather than sitting across from him, or insisting that he "look you in the eye" when you're talking to him, sit next to him or go for a walk, so that you are beside him while you're speaking. This actually helps him to hear you, and even as a woman, when someone is insisting I look them in the eye, I tend to be more focused on having an attentive facial expression and looking them in the eye than I am on what they are actually saying.
• Say his name, and confirm he heard you call him before you start telling him whatever it is you want him to hear. If he has his audio receptors tuned into whatever he is doing, or turned off altogether because he's not listening, it is likely you will be in the middle of what you are saying before he even realizes that you are speaking to him.
• I know my friends who are reading this will laugh at the hypocracy of this tip, but whenever possible, try to be concise, direct, and get to the point. Treat it a little like a high school english paper- give the main point first and then get into the finer details. This way, if the man you are speaking to has a short attention span, he will get the important content even if he zones out.

2) Do men really care about personality in a woman? 

I asked a number of my male friends this question, and the responses across the board were, pretty much, "Personality is extremely important, but there does have to be some physical attraction there too."

I know that many times we women can overlook a lot of physically unattractive characteristics in a man if his personality, motivation, and other non-visible traits are appealing enough. Even so, we still have things that we can't "get over"- whether we call it lack of chemistry, or can't quite put our fingers on it. Men are the same way- they DO value physical attractiveness, but that only takes them as far as our personalities will fall short. So it is two-fold, but have no fear- there are men with all kinds of physical preferences. Even if you don't necessarily fit into our culture's standard definitions of beauty, there are men out there who find you attractive.

3) Why don’t many men like to text?

Again I surveyed a number of men, and most of them gave the same response: Usually, I could tell you what I have to say faster and in better detail, and get feedback, by talking to you in voice rather than text messaging. While I still occasionally use text messages when I can't really talk, or I only need to say one small thing, it simply isn't the most efficient mode of communication.

A few other men said they text a lot and never would have expected a question like that. 

4) What do men consider clingy behavior?

In my experience, if he really, really likes the girl, not much. That is to say, I have seen more than one of my male friends complain about a girl being too in touch, and then when the same friends get a girlfriend, or even just start flirting with a girl they like, they can't seem to get enough of her.

The whole idea is relative, I think, because most of what is acceptable from a girlfriend could constitute clingy behavior from just a friend. Still, there are some things that are clingy behavior for a girlfriend, too.

A few things that are clingy pretty much across the board: 

• If you are texting and calling him every time, never allowing him time or opportunity to contact you first, 
• Getting offended when he doesn't respond to you in pretty much any amount of time short of a day 
• Showing up uninvited to his house on the first evening in two weeks you don't have plans "just to surprise him because you missed him".
• Counting the children you'll have with him someday before your 5th date

My best advice for women who worry about being perceived as clingy is this: When in doubt, don't. Or do, but half as much, half as often. And look for clues and signs as to when the man in question may be bothered, crowded or annoyed (I'll give that list as content in a later blog!), and make note what particular behavior may have caused it.

5) How do I know when a man is interested in me?

If he is really interested in you, eventually he will ask you out on a date. Until he does that, just be normal and friendly, and try not to read too deeply into everything he says or does.

I NEED MORE CONTENT!!!!! Please click the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page to submit your questions or requests for content, or send your emails to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com. Thanks!

Servin' Up Savory Steaks

Dear Suzy,

Today for dinner I took a rack of ribs, rubbed it with oil and rib rub, wrapped it in foil, then let it sit in the fridge. 2.5 hours before I wanted to serve dinner, I took it out, opened the foil, poured some coke on it, and cooked it in the oven for 2 hours at 325. It was one of the easiest and most delicious entree recipes I've ever made. I enjoy making recipes that are stupidly easy, and while that back story doesn't have much to do with my question, I am just humbly patting myself on the back for how awesome I am. Do you have any other suggestions for a quick, easy, foolproof way to cook various cuts of meat?

Hungry,

Kashmir in the Kitchen

Dear Kashmir,

I'm glad to post your question, self-promotion and all, because you've provided a great recipe for my readers to try! I'll add a few more simple ways to cook meat that I've found helpful as a lazy creature who loves food. There are multiple styles of cooking represented, so if you're not interested in reading the recipe, just move on until you reach black text again.

Stuffed Chicken:

- Chicken breasts (one per person, or according to personal serving size preferences)
- Pepperonis or other italian meat such as sausage or pastrami (bologna not recommended)
- Mozzerella, swiss, gouda, or even provalone cheese (a few thin slices per serving)
- 1 egg, whisked or shaken
- 1/2-1/3 cup grated Parmesian
- 1/4 cup of flour
- 3-4 dashes pepper
- 4-5 dashes italian seasonings (its worth it to buy them pre-mixed, but typically basil, rosemary, garlic powder, parsley)
- 2 dashes salt
- 4-5 tbsp olive oil
- Optional: sauce (basil pesto, marinara, even alfredo!)

• If breasts are thick, simply slice it halfway down most of the way through and lay open- if they are pretty thin, (less than 1 inch) place on a cutting board and smack all over with something flat, such as a tenderizing hammer, measuring cup, rolling pin, or forehead until chicken is thin and flat enough to fold in half easily without tearing.
• Place cheese and meat in the middle of the chicken breast towards one side, leaving a small outer edge uncovered.
• Fold the chicken over the stuffing, leaving as few gaps as possible between the layers of chicken (this is not an exact science, nothing will die if you have a leaky chicken breast, I promise!)
• In a wide bowl or on a plate, combine parmesan, flour, pepper, salt, and herbs.
• Put olive oil into a skillet and begin heating on low to medium heat.
• Carefully dip chicken breasts into egg, (this is called dredging) and then coat in flour mixture.
• Test the heat of your oil by dripping just one small drop of water into the oil. If it does nothing, it is not hot enough- if it pops really loud and splatters over a foot high, take it off the heat for about 2 minutes, then move it back on and it should be perfect, crackling and moderately splattering when contacted with a tiny drop of water. 
• At this point, place the chicken carefully into the oil in the pan, CAREFUL NOT TO TOUCH THE OIL!
• When the bottom layer of your stuffed chicken has turned completely white, use tongs or two forks to flip the chicken. The chicken should be completely cooked, white and brown. If you aren't experienced, cut the thickest part of the chicken and make sure there is no pink left in the meat.
• Place the chicken onto a paper towel while you lightly dress the plate with your sauce, then serve!

***This dish is not only italian; you can use the same techniques with a few changes to make a whole new dish! for instance, if you use chorizo rather than italian sausage, cheddar or monterey for the cheese, taco seasoning in place of the italian seasonings, and dress it with salsa or ranchero sauce, it will be delicious, latin, and noone will know its the same dish!

My favorite simple way of cooking MOST types of meat is stir-fry or skillet saute. You can use strip-steak, chicken, pork, shrimp, crawfish, scallops, even more daring seafood such as squid and octopus! In the interest of giving you as much information as I can without making this post torturously long, I am going to give you a few lists of ingredients that go well together with meats in a stir-fry style. You don't necessarily need a wok to do this style of cooking! A (preferably non-stick), greased skillet that adequately fits the quantity of meat you are cooking is perfectly fine to do the job.

I will color code the ingredients so that if you use at least one of each color you will get the desired flavor, but ideally you will experiment and mix and match the ingredients to make new and different flavors! Those ingredients in BLUE are purely optional, just for added awesomeness.

Sweet and Spicy:

Soy Sauce

Teryaki Sauce

Grape juice 

Orange juice 

Pineapple juice

Frozen juice concentrate (only a tablespoon or so)

Garlic Powder

Minced Garlic

Onion Powder

Chili Powder

Chili Pepper Flakes

Sriracha Sauce

Chili Paste (found in a lot of Korean dishes)

Fresh Jalapenos

Pickled Jalapenos

Sweet Pickled Peppers

Fresh Bell Peppers

Fresh Pineapple pieces

mandarin oranges

Hot and Sour:

Vinagarette Salad Dressing (Italian works well, too)

Vinegar (Apple Cider or Red Wine are best)

Lemon Juice

Lime Juice

Lemon Pepper

Sriracha Sauce

Chili Powder

Chili Paste

Cayenne
Spicy Mustard
Jalapeno or habanero Salt

Fresh Jalapenos

Fresh Hot Peppers (poblano, habanero, chilis, etc)

Pickled Jalapenos (preferably not sweet, but if that's what you like, go for it!)

Green and Red Bell Peppers

Fresh Pineapple

Garlic powder

Minced Garlic

Soy Sauce

Now what I love about this style of cooking is you can marinate the meat in these ingredients and cook it as-is, you can marinate it and then further flavor it by adding the same ingredients fresh to the pan, or if you're in a real hurry you can just toss it all into a hot skillet and cook it together with no forethought required. 

My favorite trick with this type of cooking is the use of Vinegarette Salad Dressings. Something about the combination of vinegar and oil reacts with the heat to not only create an exciting punch of flavor, but also makes little crisplettes in the pan of what appears to be burned bits, but it's actually just power-packed, exciting bites of flavor that you can serve and eat intermingled with the meats and veggies.

The flavors listed above work together in general, not only for stir-fry. You can combine the dry ingredients and make a rub for grilling, any of the ingredients as a marinade for searing or baking, and you can use more of the liquid ingredients, seasoned with the other ingredients, in a saucepan, reduce and let it steep a little while, and serve it on top or on the side of your less seasoned entrees. In THIS context, these flavors could even be used in preparing Tuna Steaks (one of my personal favorites.)

Please send me your own questions about cooking, romance, friendship, life, decorating, literature, whatever! My email address is asksuzyadvice@gmail.com, but for added convenience you can simply click the "email us" link on the right-hand side of this page.

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