Overcoming Heartbreak: (Part III) The Spiritual

If you've been following my trilogy on Overcoming Heartbreak, you're here to read about the Spiritual aspect of overcoming heartbreak, which is really the most important side. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, feel free to scroll down to read the previous two posts which outline the Rational and Practical sides of the issue.

If it isn't obvious yet, this post will be strongly God-centric, so there's your disclaimer. I hope that even if you aren't "very religious" that you will read on, because there is so much great comfort and wisdom in scriptures, whether you "usually buy into it" or not- it may be a happy surprise to find relief for your heartbreak in an unexpected place.

I'll begin this by giving you the scriptural justifications for the advice I dished out for the Rational and Practical sides of this very quickly. Highlighted in blue like this are verses I strongly recommend memorizing, so that you can recall them whenever they are needed (yes, I know they're all good, these are just exceptionally applicable).

1. Be near people: 

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

2. Find People to Lean On: 

"As Iron sharpens Iron, so one man sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17)

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2)

"Let us not give up meeting together... but let us encourage one another" (Hebrews 10:25)

3. Get Moving, Be Active, Go Outside:

"Light is sweet, and it pleases the eyes to see the sun" (Ecclesiastes 11:7)

"Physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come" (1 Timothy 4:8)

4. Give and Serve:

"A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed" 

(Proverbs 11:25)

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32)

"Encourage one another and build each other up" (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

5. You'll Never Completely Forget, but That's OK:

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up" (Psalm 71:20)

"We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Corinthians 4:16-17)

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us" (Romans 5:3-5)

6. Don't Dwell, but Don't Run Away- Grieve and then Move On:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy" (Psalm 126:5)

"There is a time for everything... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" (Ecclesiastes 3:1,4)

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me... This I call to mind and therefore I have hope" (Lamentations 3:19-20, 21)

7. Reclaim Your Joy- Don't Let Hurt or Bitterness Color the Things You Love:

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things" (Philippians 4:8)

"See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (Hebrews 12:15)

So, what comfort can you have in God? Why should you turn to scripture and prayer when you are gripped with heartbreak and hurt?

"...everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the scriptures we might have hope" (Romans 15:4)

Hope. Hope and Joy are the difference between those who turn to faith in rough times, and those who turn to other sources of distraction or medication. 

• He brings rest and security: 

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge" (Psalm 62:5-7)

• He gives patience and contentment: 

"If we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently" (Romans 8:25)

• He gives Boldness, Courage and Assurance: 

"You have been my hope, O sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth" (Psalm 71:5)

"Since we have such a hope, we are very bold" (2 Corinthians 3:12)

"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death" (Philippians 1:20)

• He gives Joy, Perseverance and Comfort:

"May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you" (Psalm 33:22)

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12)

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" 

(Psalm 34:18)

• Take joy in the knowledge that God has a plan and a purpose for your life:

"In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will" (Ephesians 1:11)

• And He is Faithful, he isn't going anywhere:

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness... The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him" (Lamentations 3:22-23, 25)

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" 

(Psalm 34:18)

• There is soooo much more comfort to be had from the Bible, but to wrap this up:

"Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have recieved from God" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Overcoming Heartbreak: (Part I) The Practical

Hey Suzy,

   What advice would you give someone who struggles with abandonment?  I know a guy who is still carrying a torch for a girl he broke up with four years ago and just isn't able to move on with life. He also has a real hard time trusting people and will rarely call, even guys, if he needs help.  In short, he's a mess... I'm interested to read what you think.

Concerned,

Nick Carroway

Dear Nick,

The best I can do is write as though I am talking to your friend, because it's- er, well, it's just easier for me to think that way. My response to your excellent, heartfelt question will come in 3 parts over the next few days, because I think it is such an important one and I don't want to over-summarize anything.

To Nick's friend, and any reader who finds him/herself struggling to overcome rejection or heartbreak, or to move on from other rough times:

First of all, don't feel like you're odd, abnormal, or strange. If you feel like you're taking this harder than people expect you to, or it is taking longer to get over this than others think it should, don't allow that perception to add anxiety to your life. There are no prescribed, set time limits on recovering from heartbreak- everyone is different, and every relationship is different, and will therefore leave different sized wounds in their wake.

Now, I'm not saying that there's no such thing as taking too long to recover or move on- that is definitely not true. Depression, dwelling, sulking- these are all real and they are not healthy. But the purpose now is, regardless of however long you have lingered in your hurt, to Start Moving Forward. 

There are three equally important components to emotional recovery: 

The Practical, the Rational, and the Spiritual

The Practical component is important because our minds so often follow our actions. It gives us something to do, not only to start moving again, but also to fill in the meantime while our brains and our hearts catch up. And the practical suggestions I am about to list all have a direct link to boosting the health of your brain and heart:

• Be Near People: If you have allowed yourself to get caught up in your misery, chances are extremely good that your social life has suffered. So move up one step at a time towards regaining normal social interactions again. I know it feels difficult and miserable for some of you to even think about being around people while in your state of mind, but these interactions are Integral in getting OUT of that state of mind! 

If you've gone fully reclusive, just get out of your house and be around others- you don't even have to talk (the first time), just be near them. 

If you've kept up habits of going to places like work and church, but you cringe or freeze at the thought of initiating small-talk when the weight of the world is on your shoulders, take the plunge, BE A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE! Ultimately you need to work towards the next step

• Find People to Lean On: Chances are, it's not going to be difficult to find them once you're motivated to do so. There are probably people in your life who are or were in touch at the time of your heartbreak, who offered to be there for you or attempted to console you. You may have rejected their attention, and you may even feel like you missed your opportunity. To that I say, give people more credit. You are resilient and so are your old friends. If you call them or facebook message them and invite them to grab a coffee and catch up, they may be confused, but they'll probably show up.

I acknowledge, some apologies may be in order- we can say and do some pretty harsh things when we're hurting. But if you'll be a little uncomfortable, just for a moment, and sincerely own your part, Amazing things will happen, I PROMISE. You're likely to have a stronger friendship than before.

• Get Moving: Be active. We've all heard it before, but exercise causes the body to produce and release endorphins, which are a hormone that makes us feel good, happy, content. I'm not saying you have to go run, though it would work- but add some activity to your day. 

We often get into these ugly cycles of depression and sedentary lifestyles, where we're too sad, lonely, depressed to get up and DO, and then we're bored, alone, tired, lacking energy, which makes us sad, lonely, depressed. Go outside and get a little sun- heck, make it a goal to get a light sunburn, just to feel that warmth and glow (I'm not condoning irresponsible exposure to the sun, but odds are pretty good it has been a long time since you've had a long day in the sun- am I right?). Vitamin D is essential to brain and body function, and lack of it can contribute to depression and ill health.

• Give and Serve: If you read my blog much you know this is my personal super cure for anything that ails you (psychologically, anyway). But in all seriousness, if you can get outside your own self-made shell of woes for just a couple of hours, and serve people with- I won't say bigger, but different problems, and play a small part in alleviating their problems, it will do 2 things:

1. It'll give you a dose of perspective, remind you of the bigger picture, and break you of the solitary room of selfishness our own hurts can sometimes (often?) banish us to.
2. It will remind you of what you DO have- realizing even a few blessings like a bed to sleep in or food in your stomach can open the door to all sorts of other positive thoughts.

The moral of this component is, Get out of yourself and Be A Little Uncomfortable. It is necessary, and if you think about it, where has your comfort zone gotten you so far? It's really not the reliable friend you've come to think it is.

I'll address the other two components in my next two posts, I encourage you once again to send me more awesome questions like Nick's! Simply click the "Email Us" link on the right hand side of the page, or email me at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com

The Trick to Friendship

Dear Suzy,

I really want to cultivate some strong, healthy friendships- especially with people from my church. I try really hard to be friendly and show interest and be available to go to things, but I just feel unsatisfied and frustrated with my results. What can I do?

Tapped Out,

Arthur from Heart of Gold

Dear Arthur,

Let me start by saying that I think it's great that you know what you want and you're trying to take steps to get it- that's a great attitude. I think where you're having trouble is when you say "I try really hard", I'm willing to wager you're probably trying a little too hard. Strong friendships have a way of developing naturally. You mentioned church so I'm going to address your question from a christian standpoint now. You tend to meet the people you have most in common with doing the things you already have a passion for. If you are passionate about God and you start putting all that effort you've been gearing towards your budding friendships into serving God, you're bound to find people serving alongside you who are natural friends. There are added bonuses to this approach- you'll inevitably be spending time with these people (without working to make it happen!). Time is the best food for a healthy friendship- you can't help but get to know each other better while you're painting a house or working a food line. You can't help but find other common interests and passions in the course of sharing an active passion for God. You can't help but develop inside jokes and shared stories when you meet through shared experiences. But most importantly, you'll be serving God and growing your relationship with Him- this will help you to be content when you don't have friends around, and will make you naturally more attractive to others who have the same passion for God. So, in a nutshell, you have 3 simple steps: 1) Stop worrying and trying so hard- have patience! 2) Get out there and do what you love! and 3) Don't let the opportunities you're creating for yourself pass you by- if you find a new place to serve, and you show up, keep your head down and don't get to know the people you're serving with, you'll probably be writing me again in a month or two, telling me how wrong I've turned out to be... One last word on this subject, I encourage you to lift your loneliness or your frustration, your desire for friendships up in prayer, and ask God to interfere in your life- present your requests to the Lord, and He will honor His servants.

Once again I'd like to thank "Arthur" for his question, and I'd like to remind and encourage you, my readers, to continue emailing me your questions! You can click the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page, or open a new email and send it to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com. Thank you for reading, and if you like what you've read so far, I ask that you share this blog on Facebook and Twitter by clicking any of the links on this page.