I Must Have Said It Wrong...

Dear Suzy,

I'm the kind of guy who enjoys giving women compliments. I like to make them smile and feel good about themselves, and I am in the habit of commenting on a woman's dress, or jewelry, or whatever is striking about them to let them know somebody noticed. The problem is, often women take my compliments as flirtation. I would like to be able to compliment my female friends, not just women I happen to be interested in, but so many of them take it the wrong way! What can I do? Is there a way to be complimentary without being flirtatious?

P.S. I love your writing!

Daniel Clever

Dear Daniel,

Aww Shucks, thanks, stud! But seriously, this is a great question! It is not well known enough that there is a right and a wrong way to compliment a lady friend. The nuances are subtle, but hopefully I can shed some light on the subject. For those of my male readers who are more interested in learning how to compliment a woman in a more flirtatious way, I'll be giving examples of both.

First and foremost,some women are just hoping to be flirted with, and may read into whatever you say, no matter how innocent. That's just the way it is, but don't take it personally, take it as a compliment. Either she likes you, or she reads into what every man says to her. These are just some simple tips to maximize accurate communication.

Now, you can give what sounds like the same compliment, two ways, and the two will be received completely differently. For example, If you were talking to this girl:

You might want to compliment her necklace. But take care, complimenting a woman's necklace points out that your eye was drawn to her neck and chest. This may give her the impression that you were admiring her chest and happened to notice the necklace. Instead, look for something in a less "hot zone" to compliment, like her smile, or her earrings- when you compliment a woman's earrings, all that tells her is that you were looking at her face while she was talking to you and you noticed the sparkly things right next to it- relatively harmless, and very little can be read into that.

Say you see this gal at a party:

You may be about to tell her that the dress she is wearing looks nice on her. Seems harmless enough, but what many women hear is "your body looks nice in that dress". When in doubt, if you want to be certain you aren't giving ANY mixed signals, try this compliment instead: "That's a great color on you!" color is harmless. Color is your friend. The only thing on a girl's outfit or self that wouldn't be fairly safe to compliment the color of would be her lips.

Now for a bit of practice, I'll post a few photos, with the flirtatious and then the harmless compliments for each:

Possible flirting: "That's a beautiful necklace!" 

(Yes, I know it's true, and fairly harmless, but you're looking right at her chest. In this particular case, though, it is a very different looking piece of jewelry, so you can still comment on it, but choose your words carefully)

Safe: "What an interesting piece of jewelry! Does it have a story?" (The word interesting is still complimentary, but much safer than commenting on beauty. Asking about where she got the necklace or something like that immediately, indicates that you really are interested in the piece, as well as hearing what she has to say.)

Flirting: "That's a pretty necklace" or "that necklace looks pretty on your neck"

Safe: "Those are cool earrings" or "those are nice earrings"

Flirting: "WOW!" or "That dress looks GREAT on you!" or "You look GREAT in that dress!"

Safe: "That's a great color on you!"

Flirting: "I LOVE your dress!" or "that dress looks amazing on you!"

Safe: "You have a nice smile..."

Flirting: Pretty much almost anything a man says to a woman in this outfit will be taken as a veiled flirtation

Safe: um... er... "Would you like to borrow my coat/pancho/snuggie?"

and last:

Yeah, right, like YOU would worried about complimenting Kim Kardashian without her getting the wrong idea about your intentions. Yeah, OKAY. *Scoffs*

Please send me your questions! Simply click the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page or send your questions to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com.

Men Decoded: Lesson 1

This post is for you, gals! I asked my female readers to submit their questions about men, what they're thinking, and what they really mean. A few of you delivered, and after interviewing many young men and doing a bit of research, I have your first few questions!

1) Why do men often have such a hard time listening?

Studies have shown that men have a stronger ability to deactivate the listening centers in the brain, literally "tuning out" when they are focused on something else, even listening to something specific. Other studies have suggested that men have directional audio reception, meaning that they tend to hear better when the sound is coming directly towards their ears as opposed to their face or their back. You may notice that many people, particularly men, will slightly tilt their ear towards someone when they are intent on hearing that person- this is functional!

If you really want to increase your chances of a specific man hearing what you have to say, here are a few tips:

• Rather than sitting across from him, or insisting that he "look you in the eye" when you're talking to him, sit next to him or go for a walk, so that you are beside him while you're speaking. This actually helps him to hear you, and even as a woman, when someone is insisting I look them in the eye, I tend to be more focused on having an attentive facial expression and looking them in the eye than I am on what they are actually saying.
• Say his name, and confirm he heard you call him before you start telling him whatever it is you want him to hear. If he has his audio receptors tuned into whatever he is doing, or turned off altogether because he's not listening, it is likely you will be in the middle of what you are saying before he even realizes that you are speaking to him.
• I know my friends who are reading this will laugh at the hypocracy of this tip, but whenever possible, try to be concise, direct, and get to the point. Treat it a little like a high school english paper- give the main point first and then get into the finer details. This way, if the man you are speaking to has a short attention span, he will get the important content even if he zones out.

2) Do men really care about personality in a woman? 

I asked a number of my male friends this question, and the responses across the board were, pretty much, "Personality is extremely important, but there does have to be some physical attraction there too."

I know that many times we women can overlook a lot of physically unattractive characteristics in a man if his personality, motivation, and other non-visible traits are appealing enough. Even so, we still have things that we can't "get over"- whether we call it lack of chemistry, or can't quite put our fingers on it. Men are the same way- they DO value physical attractiveness, but that only takes them as far as our personalities will fall short. So it is two-fold, but have no fear- there are men with all kinds of physical preferences. Even if you don't necessarily fit into our culture's standard definitions of beauty, there are men out there who find you attractive.

3) Why don’t many men like to text?

Again I surveyed a number of men, and most of them gave the same response: Usually, I could tell you what I have to say faster and in better detail, and get feedback, by talking to you in voice rather than text messaging. While I still occasionally use text messages when I can't really talk, or I only need to say one small thing, it simply isn't the most efficient mode of communication.

A few other men said they text a lot and never would have expected a question like that. 

4) What do men consider clingy behavior?

In my experience, if he really, really likes the girl, not much. That is to say, I have seen more than one of my male friends complain about a girl being too in touch, and then when the same friends get a girlfriend, or even just start flirting with a girl they like, they can't seem to get enough of her.

The whole idea is relative, I think, because most of what is acceptable from a girlfriend could constitute clingy behavior from just a friend. Still, there are some things that are clingy behavior for a girlfriend, too.

A few things that are clingy pretty much across the board: 

• If you are texting and calling him every time, never allowing him time or opportunity to contact you first, 
• Getting offended when he doesn't respond to you in pretty much any amount of time short of a day 
• Showing up uninvited to his house on the first evening in two weeks you don't have plans "just to surprise him because you missed him".
• Counting the children you'll have with him someday before your 5th date

My best advice for women who worry about being perceived as clingy is this: When in doubt, don't. Or do, but half as much, half as often. And look for clues and signs as to when the man in question may be bothered, crowded or annoyed (I'll give that list as content in a later blog!), and make note what particular behavior may have caused it.

5) How do I know when a man is interested in me?

If he is really interested in you, eventually he will ask you out on a date. Until he does that, just be normal and friendly, and try not to read too deeply into everything he says or does.

I NEED MORE CONTENT!!!!! Please click the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page to submit your questions or requests for content, or send your emails to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com. Thanks!