I'm the kind of guy who enjoys giving women compliments. I like to make them smile and feel good about themselves, and I am in the habit of commenting on a woman's dress, or jewelry, or whatever is striking about them to let them know somebody noticed. The problem is, often women take my compliments as flirtation. I would like to be able to compliment my female friends, not just women I happen to be interested in, but so many of them take it the wrong way! What can I do? Is there a way to be complimentary without being flirtatious?
P.S. I love your writing!
Daniel Clever
Dear Daniel,
Aww Shucks, thanks, stud! But seriously, this is a great question! It is not well known enough that there is a right and a wrong way to compliment a lady friend. The nuances are subtle, but hopefully I can shed some light on the subject. For those of my male readers who are more interested in learning how to compliment a woman in a more flirtatious way, I'll be giving examples of both.
First and foremost,some women are just hoping to be flirted with, and may read into whatever you say, no matter how innocent. That's just the way it is, but don't take it personally, take it as a compliment. Either she likes you, or she reads into what every man says to her. These are just some simple tips to maximize accurate communication.
Now, you can give what sounds like the same compliment, two ways, and the two will be received completely differently. For example, If you were talking to this girl:
You might want to compliment her necklace. But take care, complimenting a woman's necklace points out that your eye was drawn to her neck and chest. This may give her the impression that you were admiring her chest and happened to notice the necklace. Instead, look for something in a less "hot zone" to compliment, like her smile, or her earrings- when you compliment a woman's earrings, all that tells her is that you were looking at her face while she was talking to you and you noticed the sparkly things right next to it- relatively harmless, and very little can be read into that.
Say you see this gal at a party:
You may be about to tell her that the dress she is wearing looks nice on her. Seems harmless enough, but what many women hear is "your body looks nice in that dress". When in doubt, if you want to be certain you aren't giving ANY mixed signals, try this compliment instead: "That's a great color on you!" color is harmless. Color is your friend. The only thing on a girl's outfit or self that wouldn't be fairly safe to compliment the color of would be her lips.
Now for a bit of practice, I'll post a few photos, with the flirtatious and then the harmless compliments for each:
Possible flirting: "That's a beautiful necklace!"
(Yes, I know it's true, and fairly harmless, but you're looking right at her chest. In this particular case, though, it is a very different looking piece of jewelry, so you can still comment on it, but choose your words carefully)
Safe: "What an interesting piece of jewelry! Does it have a story?" (The word interesting is still complimentary, but much safer than commenting on beauty. Asking about where she got the necklace or something like that immediately, indicates that you really are interested in the piece, as well as hearing what she has to say.)
Flirting: "That's a pretty necklace" or "that necklace looks pretty on your neck"
Safe: "Those are cool earrings" or "those are nice earrings"
Flirting: "WOW!" or "That dress looks GREAT on you!" or "You look GREAT in that dress!"
Safe: "That's a great color on you!"
Flirting: "I LOVE your dress!" or "that dress looks amazing on you!"
Safe: "You have a nice smile..."
Flirting: Pretty much almost anything a man says to a woman in this outfit will be taken as a veiled flirtation
Safe: um... er... "Would you like to borrow my coat/pancho/snuggie?"
and last:
Yeah, right, like YOU would worried about complimenting Kim Kardashian without her getting the wrong idea about your intentions. Yeah, OKAY. *Scoffs*
Please send me your questions! Simply click the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page or send your questions to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com.
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