Men Decoded: Lesson 1

This post is for you, gals! I asked my female readers to submit their questions about men, what they're thinking, and what they really mean. A few of you delivered, and after interviewing many young men and doing a bit of research, I have your first few questions!

1) Why do men often have such a hard time listening?

Studies have shown that men have a stronger ability to deactivate the listening centers in the brain, literally "tuning out" when they are focused on something else, even listening to something specific. Other studies have suggested that men have directional audio reception, meaning that they tend to hear better when the sound is coming directly towards their ears as opposed to their face or their back. You may notice that many people, particularly men, will slightly tilt their ear towards someone when they are intent on hearing that person- this is functional!

If you really want to increase your chances of a specific man hearing what you have to say, here are a few tips:

• Rather than sitting across from him, or insisting that he "look you in the eye" when you're talking to him, sit next to him or go for a walk, so that you are beside him while you're speaking. This actually helps him to hear you, and even as a woman, when someone is insisting I look them in the eye, I tend to be more focused on having an attentive facial expression and looking them in the eye than I am on what they are actually saying.
• Say his name, and confirm he heard you call him before you start telling him whatever it is you want him to hear. If he has his audio receptors tuned into whatever he is doing, or turned off altogether because he's not listening, it is likely you will be in the middle of what you are saying before he even realizes that you are speaking to him.
• I know my friends who are reading this will laugh at the hypocracy of this tip, but whenever possible, try to be concise, direct, and get to the point. Treat it a little like a high school english paper- give the main point first and then get into the finer details. This way, if the man you are speaking to has a short attention span, he will get the important content even if he zones out.

2) Do men really care about personality in a woman? 

I asked a number of my male friends this question, and the responses across the board were, pretty much, "Personality is extremely important, but there does have to be some physical attraction there too."

I know that many times we women can overlook a lot of physically unattractive characteristics in a man if his personality, motivation, and other non-visible traits are appealing enough. Even so, we still have things that we can't "get over"- whether we call it lack of chemistry, or can't quite put our fingers on it. Men are the same way- they DO value physical attractiveness, but that only takes them as far as our personalities will fall short. So it is two-fold, but have no fear- there are men with all kinds of physical preferences. Even if you don't necessarily fit into our culture's standard definitions of beauty, there are men out there who find you attractive.

3) Why don’t many men like to text?

Again I surveyed a number of men, and most of them gave the same response: Usually, I could tell you what I have to say faster and in better detail, and get feedback, by talking to you in voice rather than text messaging. While I still occasionally use text messages when I can't really talk, or I only need to say one small thing, it simply isn't the most efficient mode of communication.

A few other men said they text a lot and never would have expected a question like that. 

4) What do men consider clingy behavior?

In my experience, if he really, really likes the girl, not much. That is to say, I have seen more than one of my male friends complain about a girl being too in touch, and then when the same friends get a girlfriend, or even just start flirting with a girl they like, they can't seem to get enough of her.

The whole idea is relative, I think, because most of what is acceptable from a girlfriend could constitute clingy behavior from just a friend. Still, there are some things that are clingy behavior for a girlfriend, too.

A few things that are clingy pretty much across the board: 

• If you are texting and calling him every time, never allowing him time or opportunity to contact you first, 
• Getting offended when he doesn't respond to you in pretty much any amount of time short of a day 
• Showing up uninvited to his house on the first evening in two weeks you don't have plans "just to surprise him because you missed him".
• Counting the children you'll have with him someday before your 5th date

My best advice for women who worry about being perceived as clingy is this: When in doubt, don't. Or do, but half as much, half as often. And look for clues and signs as to when the man in question may be bothered, crowded or annoyed (I'll give that list as content in a later blog!), and make note what particular behavior may have caused it.

5) How do I know when a man is interested in me?

If he is really interested in you, eventually he will ask you out on a date. Until he does that, just be normal and friendly, and try not to read too deeply into everything he says or does.

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