Exasperated,
Gretel from the Forest
Dear Gretel,
I have a few suggestions for this tense situation. I don't know a lot of details, I don't know you, your personality, any wrongdoing you may have contributed to the problem, or the details of the fight. So I'm going to do my best to offer advice that would be most helpful across the board regardless of any of these more specific details.
First, take a moment, specifically for this purpose, to sit down with your parents and speak to them calmly about the situation. Avoid accusing words, and extreme words like "always" and "never"- focus on verbalizing your own feelings- What happened, How did you perceive it- remember, people usually aren't villains, intentionally hurting others for their own amusement. It is far more likely that it simply never occurred to your brother and family how you might be receiving their words and actions- if you can fill them in on that side of the story without letting your emotions get the better of you, you'll be much more likely to have success in expressing yourself and having them understand what you are wanting to get across.
Second, don't expect immediate change- ideally, a new door will be opened and you will come much closer to resolving the current problem with your brother. But long habits over a lifetime are rarely changed over the course of a single conversation- they are bound to hurt you in a similar way again in the future. Comfort yourself by looking for evidence of their trying to see it more from your perspective than they once did, and have more calm, direct, "it makes me feel this way when you say this because this" conversations when issues arise again. If you become consistent in your mature, fair approach to conflicts, their respect will grow for you and they may begin to actually view you as the adult you are, which is pretty unnatural for people who have changed your diapers.
Third, I strongly encourage you to seek professional counsel from a family therapist. It is unlikely (though certainly worth a try) that you will be able to convince your adult brother who isn't speaking to you that he should attend therapy with you- he may not even be geographically in a place where he can do that. But even if you only attend by yourself, you can get strong advice and support regarding the specific details of your family, and have regular counsel on how to interact with them in the future to help encourage growth and peace. It's possible your brother will be inspired/persuaded by your dedication to fixing things (rather than ignoring them) and seek therapy for himself.
Fourth, and really it should come before all the rest, PRAY. I know, I know, cop-out of an answer, but seriously- before you sit down to talk to your family, pray and ask God to guide your words and open their ears to hear. During the conversation, pray that God would hold your hurt reactions back and give you patience to hear out their perspective. After the conversation, pray continuously for tolerance, love, and patience with your family while they climb on to this new learning curve.
I want to remind you that I am not a licensed therapist (yet) and I will give my best advice to the questions you send, but sometimes you, dear reader, may send me a question like this one that is intricate, and I will be happy to encourage you and advise you with the most common sense I can offer, but I encourage and support people seeking professional help for big issues- If not a therapist, then perhaps a local pastor.
I welcome your questions! I'm rapidly running low on them! Please send them in to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com or for convenience, click the "email us" link provided on the right-hand side of the page. Thanks!
First, take a moment, specifically for this purpose, to sit down with your parents and speak to them calmly about the situation. Avoid accusing words, and extreme words like "always" and "never"- focus on verbalizing your own feelings- What happened, How did you perceive it- remember, people usually aren't villains, intentionally hurting others for their own amusement. It is far more likely that it simply never occurred to your brother and family how you might be receiving their words and actions- if you can fill them in on that side of the story without letting your emotions get the better of you, you'll be much more likely to have success in expressing yourself and having them understand what you are wanting to get across.
Second, don't expect immediate change- ideally, a new door will be opened and you will come much closer to resolving the current problem with your brother. But long habits over a lifetime are rarely changed over the course of a single conversation- they are bound to hurt you in a similar way again in the future. Comfort yourself by looking for evidence of their trying to see it more from your perspective than they once did, and have more calm, direct, "it makes me feel this way when you say this because this" conversations when issues arise again. If you become consistent in your mature, fair approach to conflicts, their respect will grow for you and they may begin to actually view you as the adult you are, which is pretty unnatural for people who have changed your diapers.
Third, I strongly encourage you to seek professional counsel from a family therapist. It is unlikely (though certainly worth a try) that you will be able to convince your adult brother who isn't speaking to you that he should attend therapy with you- he may not even be geographically in a place where he can do that. But even if you only attend by yourself, you can get strong advice and support regarding the specific details of your family, and have regular counsel on how to interact with them in the future to help encourage growth and peace. It's possible your brother will be inspired/persuaded by your dedication to fixing things (rather than ignoring them) and seek therapy for himself.
Fourth, and really it should come before all the rest, PRAY. I know, I know, cop-out of an answer, but seriously- before you sit down to talk to your family, pray and ask God to guide your words and open their ears to hear. During the conversation, pray that God would hold your hurt reactions back and give you patience to hear out their perspective. After the conversation, pray continuously for tolerance, love, and patience with your family while they climb on to this new learning curve.
I want to remind you that I am not a licensed therapist (yet) and I will give my best advice to the questions you send, but sometimes you, dear reader, may send me a question like this one that is intricate, and I will be happy to encourage you and advise you with the most common sense I can offer, but I encourage and support people seeking professional help for big issues- If not a therapist, then perhaps a local pastor.
I welcome your questions! I'm rapidly running low on them! Please send them in to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com or for convenience, click the "email us" link provided on the right-hand side of the page. Thanks!
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