Overcoming Heartbreak: (Part I) The Practical

Hey Suzy,

   What advice would you give someone who struggles with abandonment?  I know a guy who is still carrying a torch for a girl he broke up with four years ago and just isn't able to move on with life. He also has a real hard time trusting people and will rarely call, even guys, if he needs help.  In short, he's a mess... I'm interested to read what you think.

Concerned,

Nick Carroway

Dear Nick,

The best I can do is write as though I am talking to your friend, because it's- er, well, it's just easier for me to think that way. My response to your excellent, heartfelt question will come in 3 parts over the next few days, because I think it is such an important one and I don't want to over-summarize anything.

To Nick's friend, and any reader who finds him/herself struggling to overcome rejection or heartbreak, or to move on from other rough times:

First of all, don't feel like you're odd, abnormal, or strange. If you feel like you're taking this harder than people expect you to, or it is taking longer to get over this than others think it should, don't allow that perception to add anxiety to your life. There are no prescribed, set time limits on recovering from heartbreak- everyone is different, and every relationship is different, and will therefore leave different sized wounds in their wake.

Now, I'm not saying that there's no such thing as taking too long to recover or move on- that is definitely not true. Depression, dwelling, sulking- these are all real and they are not healthy. But the purpose now is, regardless of however long you have lingered in your hurt, to Start Moving Forward. 

There are three equally important components to emotional recovery: 

The Practical, the Rational, and the Spiritual

The Practical component is important because our minds so often follow our actions. It gives us something to do, not only to start moving again, but also to fill in the meantime while our brains and our hearts catch up. And the practical suggestions I am about to list all have a direct link to boosting the health of your brain and heart:

• Be Near People: If you have allowed yourself to get caught up in your misery, chances are extremely good that your social life has suffered. So move up one step at a time towards regaining normal social interactions again. I know it feels difficult and miserable for some of you to even think about being around people while in your state of mind, but these interactions are Integral in getting OUT of that state of mind! 

If you've gone fully reclusive, just get out of your house and be around others- you don't even have to talk (the first time), just be near them. 

If you've kept up habits of going to places like work and church, but you cringe or freeze at the thought of initiating small-talk when the weight of the world is on your shoulders, take the plunge, BE A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE! Ultimately you need to work towards the next step

• Find People to Lean On: Chances are, it's not going to be difficult to find them once you're motivated to do so. There are probably people in your life who are or were in touch at the time of your heartbreak, who offered to be there for you or attempted to console you. You may have rejected their attention, and you may even feel like you missed your opportunity. To that I say, give people more credit. You are resilient and so are your old friends. If you call them or facebook message them and invite them to grab a coffee and catch up, they may be confused, but they'll probably show up.

I acknowledge, some apologies may be in order- we can say and do some pretty harsh things when we're hurting. But if you'll be a little uncomfortable, just for a moment, and sincerely own your part, Amazing things will happen, I PROMISE. You're likely to have a stronger friendship than before.

• Get Moving: Be active. We've all heard it before, but exercise causes the body to produce and release endorphins, which are a hormone that makes us feel good, happy, content. I'm not saying you have to go run, though it would work- but add some activity to your day. 

We often get into these ugly cycles of depression and sedentary lifestyles, where we're too sad, lonely, depressed to get up and DO, and then we're bored, alone, tired, lacking energy, which makes us sad, lonely, depressed. Go outside and get a little sun- heck, make it a goal to get a light sunburn, just to feel that warmth and glow (I'm not condoning irresponsible exposure to the sun, but odds are pretty good it has been a long time since you've had a long day in the sun- am I right?). Vitamin D is essential to brain and body function, and lack of it can contribute to depression and ill health.

• Give and Serve: If you read my blog much you know this is my personal super cure for anything that ails you (psychologically, anyway). But in all seriousness, if you can get outside your own self-made shell of woes for just a couple of hours, and serve people with- I won't say bigger, but different problems, and play a small part in alleviating their problems, it will do 2 things:

1. It'll give you a dose of perspective, remind you of the bigger picture, and break you of the solitary room of selfishness our own hurts can sometimes (often?) banish us to.
2. It will remind you of what you DO have- realizing even a few blessings like a bed to sleep in or food in your stomach can open the door to all sorts of other positive thoughts.

The moral of this component is, Get out of yourself and Be A Little Uncomfortable. It is necessary, and if you think about it, where has your comfort zone gotten you so far? It's really not the reliable friend you've come to think it is.

I'll address the other two components in my next two posts, I encourage you once again to send me more awesome questions like Nick's! Simply click the "Email Us" link on the right hand side of the page, or email me at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com

Back From Summer! Lessons Learned

I know, y'all have missed me- but I'm back, and just in time for the new school year. Just to get warmed up and back into the swing of writing regularly again, I've decided to go with a classic topic today: What I Learned On My Summer Vacation.

This was the first summer since my junior year of high school that I didn't spend working full time. I did continue working the part time job I have throughout the school year, but I finally got a much needed break. I am, unfortunately, the quintessential broke college student, so I was unable to do any traveling, but I still managed to have a great time near home, and on a budget. 

So what fun is to be had close to home with a tight budget? I'll tell you some of the things I did:

1) Spent time with family- I had lots of great bonding time with my niece and nephews, and things like taking them to the park, the mall, or swimming cost little to nothing. This is a great way to kill an afternoon and provide a little chill time for their parents. If you don't have offspring of your own, or nieces or nephews, it would probably be all the more welcome if you offered to babysit a good friend's kids for an afternoon. Kids give you an opportunity to do a lot of things you might not want to do by yourself, like go to the zoo (free in my city).

2) Found some volunteering opportunities- Bored? Get outside your bubble a bit. There are so many benefits to giving up a little of your abundant vacation free time! You can meet a whole new group of people, who are more likely to be genuine, giving and down to earth than people you'd meet pretty much anywhere else. You can support and aid a cause that is important to you, and contribute a small but crucial part to conquering a big problem. You can have an opportunity to learn new skills, like painting, organizing, food service, cooking, and hone your people-skills, learning to talk and interact with strangers who come from a different background than you.

3) Took a class- Admittedly, I took classes that were required for the degree program I am working on, but even if you've finished school, it can be a great way to continue growing and learning new things that interest you. You can take a hobby class like painting or wood-burning, or you could take a creative writing class. If you love reading but never seem to be able to make the time, a literature class at the local community college might just provide the motivation you need, or perhaps if you're on an even lower budget, you could join a local book club- or start your own!

4) Started a new fitness regime- I took a short break from my usual workout routine at the start of the summer, and then came back into it with extra motivation. This was a time when I could guiltlessly spend extra time working on my personal fitness goals- really, I had no excuse because for once I not only had the time, but I had it in abundance. Yes, I pay a monthly fee for a gym membership, but even if I didn't, I could take long walks, try out different exercise videos from the library or Movie Trading Company, or swim in my apartment pool.

5) Tuned in to local events- My city, Dallas, has a great resource; Pegasusnews.com, where I can find most of the events happening at any time on any day, and the prices are listed so I can narrow my search to only those things which are free. I use it to find local band performances to check out new talent, events like nature walks, special exhibits at the museum or botanical gardens, and occasionally, when I do feel like spending a little bit of money, I will go to a show. Personally I like comedy shows the best, and this summer I discovered a great local gem called the Pocket Sandwich Theater, where they feature Parody and Comedy plays, and the audience is provided stale popcorn to hurl at the actors whenever the fancy strikes them. I also attended this year's Taste of Dallas, which was a rather expensive ($15 at the door, $5 parking, + $1-$3 for each food item) but exceptionally fun time. I got so much free stuff at the Taste of Dallas, too, that I probably broke even on the initial charge to get in.

6) Caught up on sleep- I am being completely serious here, it makes such a difference to your health, your mood, and your life to take advantage of every opportunity to get adequate sleep. Most people don't realize, when we fail to get adequate sleep, we build a deficit. If you miss 2 hours one night, and 3 hours the next night, sleeping in an extra hour that weekend still leaves you with a 4 hour deficit. Now I'm sure the math isn't necessarily that cut and dry, but the point is, sleeping in one day a week to make up for the other 6 isn't effective. So when you have a vacation, and you make a choice to catnap and "have a lie-in", that's not laziness, it's a great choice, like choosing water over coke. It also allows your body to rejuvenate itself, making your workouts show better and more immediate results, keeping your skin healthy and youthful... Great stuff.

7) Read some books, spent time on my hobbies

8) Took time to focus on my walk with God- I went on a weekend women's retreat at the early part of the summer, where I was encouraged and given a chance to worship, had alone time for prayer, and opportunities to fellowship with other people of my faith. I will be going on another retreat for Young Singles from my church this Labor day, and at the beginning of the summer I bought and started a new devotional workbook just for myself. Now I will admit right here that I am not even halfway through that workbook, and there is still a lot of work that I need to continue to do on prioritizing time for my spiritual walk, but the summer has been a great time to reinvigorate my passion for Christ and His work in my life.

Anyway, that's how I spent my summer, hopefully it'll give some of y'all a few ideas for your own down time, whether vacations, weekends or just evenings off. One thing is for sure, I did miss writing this blog, so I hopefully won't be taking another long break like that until next summer. 

Now that I'm back, I'm looking for fresh material, so send me your questions, topics, etc at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com, or just click the "email us" link on the right hand side of this page. Thanks!

Easy Summer Dinner Party

Hello, dear readers- I've missed you too!

Tonight I'm having my community group from church over for swimming and supper. I want to keep it simple because, well, I'm human and lazy and not a masochist, I need to keep it cheap because I'm a student working part time right now, but most importantly I want to make it absolutely delicious because I'm a chef, which means the expectations of my cooking are already high, and also I have an innate desire to show off a little.

Now that I've assembled the ingredients for my menu and I'm getting ready to put them together, I thought I'd take a moment to share my recipes, in case any of y'all plan to put on a summer shindig sometime soon.

For dinner, I've decided to make "Summer spaghetti", my own take on something I had at a friends' house one time. For dessert, I'm making a fresh Peach Crostata. If you want to know how to make these items the recipes are listed below. The total money I spent for 8-10 people was about $25. I made the invitation BYOB so cokes and wine will come with the guests.

You'll need:

• Angel Hair pasta or spaghetti for however many guests you'll be feeding
• 1 qt Chicken Broth (I use the lower sodium kind because there is too dadgum much salt in EVERYTHING these days)
• 2 lemons, juice & zest (zest them first!)
• 2-3 tbsp fresh Parsley, chopped
• minced garlic
• grated parmesan (I buy the cheapest off-brand stuff, they're mostly the same when you're cooking it into the dish, and half the price!)
• Asparagus, broccoli or summer squash like zuccini (as much or as little as you want)
• chicken (about 1 breast for 2 or 3 people, depending on the size of the breast)
• grape or cherry tomatoes, halved or quartered

First, tenderize the chicken. If you have a fancy tenderizing hammer, awesome. If you don't, do what I do- cover the chicken with a piece of plastic wrap and use a rolling pin or heavy recipe book. You're just beating the tar out of the meat, it's not exactly a scientific procedure. 

Next, place the chicken into a well greased skillet or onto a stove-top griddle or outdoor grill. keep the heat medium/lowish so that the chicken cooks all the way through before the outside of the chicken dries out. You'll know it's done either when you stick it with a meat thermometer and it reads at LEAST 165 degrees, or when you cut it with a small knife, right in the center, and there is no pink to be seen.

MEANWHILE, Place a pot on the stove, and pour the chicken stock into it. Add the lemon juice (strained) and lemon zest. Now add your pasta and turn on the burner. Let the pasta cook in the liquid, covered for the first 10 min and then uncover it and let the pasta absorb it as it boils until it's fully cooked.

While the pasta is cooking, flip over your chicken to ensure that it's cooked evenly on both sides. Take the chopped parsley, 2tbsp parmesan and 1-2 tbsp garlic (depends on how much garlic you like), combine them and stir them into the pasta.

Place your vegetables onto the grille or into a skillet or saute pan. You'll want to pre-chop the broccoli or summer squash, but leave the asparagus whole for cooking and then chop it up after you take it off the grill. 

Chop up your chicken breast into bite-sized pieces and add the chicken and vegetables to your pasta, stir it in over a low heat. Leave the whole combination on the heat for a few minutes, then take it off the heat and stir in the tomatoes (raw). Serve!

Peach Crostada:

• Flaky Pie dough- if you would like a recipe, let me know. They do sell it at the store in the freezer section, which is ok (not great), or you can use most flaky pie crust recipes.
• Peaches- for a 9" crostata, about 7 peaches will suffice.
• 1-2 tbsp sugar
• 1 dash ground nutmeg (fresh is best!)
• 1 egg white
• some Turbinado sugar if you want (not necessary!)

Peel the peaches and slice them into thin slices, about 1/4" wide.

Toss them in a bowl with the sugar and nutmeg. (Save the Turbinado sugar!)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees

Roll out the pie dough into a circle about 14" in diameter (no need to be perfect).

Fold it up and lay it out onto parchment paper on a flat cookie sheet. 

Pile the peaches in the center of the dough circle with a 3" radius around the edge, then carefully fold up the sides of the dough all the way around, fanning the overlaps (ideally in the same direction for aesthetics).

Take a strip of Aluminum foil and wrap it gently around the outside to hold the crust in place, leaving the top open.

Bake for 25-35 min or until the peach filling begins to boil.

Allow to cool a bit, remove the foil and brush the outside with the egg white, then coat the outside with the turbinado sugar.

Put the Crostata back into the oven for 2 more minutes, to make the sugar stick.

For a summer dish, a peach crostata is ideally served at room temperature, but if it is still warm from the oven when you serve it, that's ok- it might be just perfect with some vanilla ice cream!

REJECTED- Getting Over It

We've all been where this guy is at, though hopefully to a much lesser extent. My last two posts were all about learning to recognize when a person is not interested in you romantically. Today's post will hopefully provide some insight into how to deal with all those feelings of rejection, inadequacy, etc. after not only scenarios in which your person of interest is not interested in you, but also breakups, getting fired, not being offered a position you desire, or being flat turned down. 

 I started out my preparation for this blog by first surveying my Facebook friends about what they do to handle rejection, and they gave me some great examples of both what to do and what not to do. I will start with a few examples of what not to do.

• Egging the person's car or any other forms of vandalism. You are not 12. And if you are 12, still don't do it. Seriously.
• Any form of practical joke- whether it's ordering 30 pizzas to be delivered to their house or putting their number on a telemarketing call list, it is NOT sane or ok to be spiteful, vindictive or petty towards a person (ever, but particularly) for rejecting you.
• Spreading gossip about that person. Even if it's true, it'll make you look as bad as them. Consider the fact that if the person is really all that terrible, it reflects on your poor judgement for having been interested in them. Be the bigger person, don't discuss them at all if you can't be kind and constructive.
• Avoiding the person (if you're friends, just act normal).
• Asking God to change their mind, He knows your heart, and He also knows theirs. If you are destined to be with that person, God will make it happen at the right time, and you really wouldn't want it to happen under any other circumstances. 
• Refusing to listen to sound wisdom and encouragement that friends and family provide.
• Sulking. You can allow yourself a reasonable interval to feel like crap- but set a time limit. Make plans for a few days after the fact and don't let yourself skip them, even if you still don't feel all that social.
• Talking it over and over and over with any friends who will listen. They will secretly or openly resent you for it, and every time you re-hash every dadgum interaction you ever had with the person who rejected you, you are ripping off the scab, reopening the wound and refusing to heal.

Here are some examples of reactions and coping mechanisms that aren't ideal, but are acceptable and even therapeutic in moderation:

• Cry. Let it out! Our tears are actually one of our body's best, most effective methods of ridding itself of stress hormones. If you feel like you want to cry, don't hold it in- let it out, but set a limit on it. Some people are like fire hydrants, where once they start crying, it's difficult to stop. If this describes you, a few helpful tips: Try to go somewhere cold, like a walk-in refrigerator- you'll cry, but the cold will help your body calm down more quickly. If you don't have a walk-in fridge or cold weather outside to utilize, stick your head in the freezer for a couple of minutes, or splash cold water on your face. Amazingly effective.
• Watching a good, upbeat movie or rereading a favorite book. A lot of women in particular favor watching chick-flicks, but I recommend comedies and action movies, or perhaps movies where the protagonist discovers him/herself and/or accomplishes something other than a relationship. It's kind of rubbing salt in the wound to watch fictional, unattainable relationships in the midst of your own rejection.
• Eat chocolate. The darker, the better- it's not just an old wives' tale, chocolate has two chemical properties that encourage happiness and contentment. First, it has caffeine and sugar, which will help you feel a bit more energized- great for staving off depression. Secondly, it contains endorphins, which are a natural hormone that encourages a feeling of happiness and well-being.
• Exercise. No really! The endorphins help, and sometimes running as hard and fast as you can just wears you out and empties your head- you can block out the negative thoughts for a minute, and it forces you to breathe. More than once, immediately after a bad breakup I took a run (and I am NOT a runner), and just wearing myself out, being out of breath, it kept the hurt at bay in those initial hours. Eventually you'll have to face your feelings, but this is ok to do initially.

Now for the best I can offer- HOW TO cope with rejection in a healthy, positive way:

• Accept the truth that just because a specific person is not interested in you doesn't mean there is something WRONG with you. There can be (and usually is) a number of reasonable factors that are outside of your control that lead to a person's disinterest in you. Obsessing over why they don't like you will create useless insecurity. 
• Move on. I know better than to recommend this as some sort of immediate thing- I know it will take time, but allow it to happen. Wallowing and obsessing and refusing to let go won't help.
• Spend time with your friends; allow them to lift you up and encourage you. 

"A friend loves at all times" (Proverbs 17:17)

• Turn to God, and to His Word. When you're hurting, it can almost feel cliche to have someone tell you yet again that God loves you, He has your best interests at heart, and will never forsake you, but it's TRUE! Keep the following in mind: 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18)

God says, "I will turn the darkness to light before them and make the rough places smooth... I will not forsake them." (Isaiah 42:16)

"He extends compassion and comfort to you, which, in turn, you can give to others" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

"The Lord will not reject His people; He will never forsake His inheritance" (Psalm 94:14)

• Accept God's plan and remember that He knows what's best.

"Praise be to God, who has NOT rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!" (Psalm 66:20)

"I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation." (Psalm 13:5)

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" (Deuteronomy 31:8)

• Actively seek the Lord and turn outward, serving others. It will help you get outside your own selfish complaints and will give God opportunities to move you where you need to be. It is not enough to try to get away from negative thoughts, you have to actively move towards positive things.

"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." (Genesis 4:7) 

"There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1)

• And lastly, forgive the person who rejects you, don't hold grudges.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13) 

And HEY, It's gonna be OK. Really.

Men DECODED: Part 2~ Signs He's Just Not That Into You

Previously, we explored the treacherous world of female disinterest- for women, how to display it to thwart unwanted pursuers  and for men, how to recognize a hint when it has been dropped to save yourselves a little dignity in the midst of rejection.

Today, I'll be outlining the antithetical perspective (that means opposite, I've been studying for the GRE lately so expect a few vocabulary lessons bestrewn -sprinkled- throughout my upcoming posts), providing much needed insight for my readers of the fairer sex to know when it's time to move on from a crush, and tips for my male readers on how to let a gal down easy and hopefully avoid an awkward DTR (Defining The Relationship) talk. I encouraged my male readers to let me in on their personal methods for letting a woman know he's not interested, and a few of my friends came through for me. I will be intermingling their replies with my own observations, and yes, even a few hints that landed with me from men I was interested in in the past who successfully dropped the hint and have remained my friends afterwards.

1) If he says "You're a dear friend to me", he doesn't think of you as anything more significant than that. In his own mind, he is telling you that you are so important to him he doesn't want to risk losing you by putting your relationship in a place that may end with a breakup. Two important things to understand about this "friend-zoning". 

• Ladies- I know this is an unfair, silly idea and what is wrong with men that they don't recognize how silly it is to eliminate the best women in their lives- BELIEVE ME, I know! BUT there is NOTHING you can say or do that will make a guy change his opinions about this. ACCEPT it, and maybe someday God or his own brain will make him realize what a mistake it is to pass you up. In the meantime, MOVE ON. 
• Men- If you read the above tip and think, "that's exactly what's going on with me", I STRONGLY encourage, I Implore you to click the following link when you have 45 minutes to spare- it'll be an exceptionally wise use of your time. 

http://www.watermark.org/media/dating-on-target/2432/

• One further sidenote for my men, if you watch the video above, it will be your inclination to come up with any number of reasons why it's great advice for most people but you are the obvious exception for x, y, and z. NO YOU ARE NOT! It was WRITTEN for YOU! LISTEN to it! TALK to your friends about whether you are intentionally putting on mental earplugs to truth that you SHOULD hear because you think you are some kind of special case. In my observation, every one of the men that I spoke to who heard the message posted above told me why they consider themselves the exception to the intended audience. ALL of you can not be the exception! That's a logical fallacy! Whew, ok, getting down off my soapbox now.

*AHem* As I was saying, signs he's not interested:

2) Now this is one that a friend of mine actually said to me, I'm going to write his exact words for you verbatim  because the message was received LOUD and CLEAR and had no negative effect on my opinion of him or on our friendship: "So many girls mistake my friendliness for flirtation, or my flirtation for intention. I appreciate that you know that if I am interested in you, I will ask you out, and you don't over- analyze my flirtation if I have not actually asked you out!" Two things are happening here. First of all, he verbalized and clarified with me in the form of a compliment, giving me credit that I already knew what he was saying out loud to me, and making me feel more like he trusted me and appreciated my understanding. Second of all, he reiterated what should be a well understood fact that is evidently not well understood at all by the ladies of our generation. That is, ultimately, if he likes you, he will eventually ask you out. If he has been acting the same way with you for a long time (6+ months?) and has never asked you out, he's probably never going to. He's not into you. Move on.

3) This is another one that I'm drawing from personal experience. I was asking a friend of mine who I actually wasn't particularly interested in whether he would be going to a certain social function about a month in the future. He said "Yeah, If I go I'll probably bring a date..." And then he did not use that segue to ask me to be his date. Point Taken. If a man is talking to a woman, and he either unnecessarily confirms his plans to have a date for a particular function or comments on the need to find a date, and then does not IMMEDIATELY ask the woman he is talking to, he does not think of her in that way. He is not interested! Even if he is not intentionally using that opportunity to draw a clear line for her, if he liked you he would use that opportunity to do something about it.

4) If, in the middle of a conversation with you, a man is constantly watching his surroundings, and (especially when another woman comes in) he abruptly leaves or stops the conversation to go talk to someone else, he's not interested in you. Even some of the most ADD men have Juggernaut levels of intensity and focus when they have an opportunity to talk to the woman they wish to pursue. If there is some exceptional situation where a man HAS to interrupt you and leave, he will be apologetic and try to reestablish the conversation as soon as possible with you to make sure you know you are important. There are exceptions to this rule, but in every case, the guy is a rude jerk and you shouldn't care if he is interested.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juggernaut

5) If he EVER compares his relationship with you to that of a sibling, Move On.

6) If he talks about other women as potential prospects with you, Move On.

7) If he suggests other men you should consider dating, MOVE ON! No man will try to set up or divert the attention of the woman he is interested in. Ever.

Now that I've taught y'all how to recognize the signs that a person of the opposite sex is not interested in you and letting you know it, I'm not just going to leave you to wallow in your loneliness- That would be a pretty Jerk move on my part. Tune in to my next post to learn all about Dealing With Rejection in a healthy, productive way that can minimize your hurt. In the meantime, please send me your questions, love letters and hate-mail at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com or click the convenient "email us" link on the right-hand side of this page. Thanks!

Women DECODED: Part 2~ Signs She's Just Not That Into You

Dear Suzy,

I have a male friend I have known for a few months now. He is very friendly to everyone but the past few times I've seen him I've felt like he's been... Well... Super friendly. The hugs have gotten tighter, he sits to where he's touching me even if he has room to scooch, and he talks to me a LOT. I haven't had official confirmation of any kind but I feel as if this person is attracted to me and/or has a crush on me. I am not attracted to him through no fault of his own. How can I handle the situation and effectively friend-zone him without being mean/rude/pretentious?

Elizabeth in Longbourne

Dear Elizabeth,

I am going to take this opportunity in my reply to you, to add to my ongoing series which provides translations for both sexes to understand each other. I will write my tips as signs to the man, so they can easily identify when my female readers are giving them off. 

If you want to up your chances that the guy you're not interested in will get the hint, share this post on your Facebook and Twitter using the links below- maybe he'll read it!

Truly, the least uncomfortable rejections are those that never have to be verbalized. If the recipient can be aware enough of his (or her) surroundings to realize that his crush is not interested without forcing them to say so, it usually saves embarrassment for both!

However, it is not OK to put off these conversations in order to allow yourself to prolong false hope. If you are forever putting off asking a woman out, not only may you miss your window of opportunity, but there is a very good chance you are already picking up on one or more of the signs listed below, & however subconsciously it may be, you know that she's not interested and you are putting off her inevitable rejection. If you do not see these signs, or cannot help but believe your case is exceptional, MAN UP, muster your courage and ASK HER OUT- directly and in a way that requires a YES or a NO.

So what are the signs she's just not that into you?

• First of all, women are perceptive. We can often tell when a man we are acquainted with has developed feelings for us. If we realize or suspect that this is the case, we may change our behavior to discourage your interest. If there is a noticeable change in her comfort level with you since you started showing her special attention, this is probably a sign. Specific behaviors to consider:
• Her once full hugs have become half-hugs, her half-hugs have become high-fives or nothing at all.
• She is less available, always has a reason not to sit next to you, or avoids sitting next to you without citing a reason.

***I have heard more than one of my male friends justify when they see behavior like this from the object of their affection, convincing themselves that the woman they are "wooing" is so overwhelmed with flattery that she doesn't know how to react. It reminds me of the following scene in the book/movie Pride and Prejudice, which I will let speak for itself:

• When a woman is interested in a man, she will try to find opportunities to be around a that person. If she is even less available than usual, she is not interested. She may not have actually thought about it one way or another, but it is still a good indicator that she's not specifically attracted to you.
• If you call, text or otherwise initiate contact and she takes a long time (4+ days) to respond or does not respond at all, that's a pretty good sign she's not interested. We may not always reply super promptly, but we won't forget or ignore a man that we are interested in. However, just because she does reply promptly, that does not necessarily equate to her being interested in you- she may just be conscientious and prompt getting back with everyone who calls or texts her.
• Whenever you suggest that the two of you go do something together, she only seems interested as long as multiple other people come along (and those other people aren't couples).
• She talks about other men she is interested in in front of you. Yes, sometimes a woman will do this to appear desirable and wanted, so this is not a surefire sign, but in conjunction with other signs, this can tip the scales. Also the amount she's talking about other guys. A gal won't gush about another man in front of one she's interested in.
• She flirts with other men in front of you. See above caveat.
• She is more flirtatious with anyone other than you in the same setting.
• She is vague or noncommittal about plans when discussing them with you. For instance, you hear her talking about a party on friday night. "Oh, you're going to the party on friday, too?" She sort of pauses, or stutters, and says, "well, maaaaybe... I'm not sure. I might come, I really won't know until just before it starts..." She is making sure that if you come to the party, it's not solely on her account, and is also ensuring you don't suggest a car pool. Which leads me to my next point:
• She avoids being left alone with you, even if just for a moment at a party. It's not that she thinks you're going to attack her or something, but she may be avoiding any opening for a conversation in which you may put her in a position to have to reject you to your face. It may seem like kind of a jerk move because it may allow you to keep your hopes up longer, but honestly we really don't like to reject a man any more than he likes being rejected!
• I've mentioned this in a previous blog, but if she calls you "dude" or compares your relationship with her to that of a sibling, she is NOT INTERESTED.

My next post will be in similar form, letting my FEMALE readers know how they can tell when a MAN is not interested in them, and offering tips for my male readers on how to kindly make it clear to a woman that they are not interested in her. I ask my male readers to email me at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com and let me know, what do YOU do to let a woman know you don't think of her as anything more than a friend? Ladies, do you have any suggestions or signs that you give off that you think should be added to the list? Please post them in the comments section below!

Signature Dish

Hello, dear readers! 

The writer of the blog Sparkly In The City at sparklyinthecity.blogspot.com recently wrote a post about the advantages of having a signature dish. In short, it's a special dish that you can make easily and bring to parties, so that eventually you become known for bringing it and everyone can automatically assume you have some cooking prowess, even if in reality it is the only dish you have ever known how to make in your entire life. So my friend Sparkly asked if I would write a sister post to hers about HOW to make a signature dish. So I'll list a few tips below:

•  Think of dishes you like to eat at parties. Since this is your signature dish, and it will be at most of the parties you attend (because you're the one bringing it) it is unwise to select a base- recipe that isn't even appealing to you. 
•  Google the recipes- look at multiple dishes, and select one based on your level of cooking experience- I've been a chef for 7 years and I still wouldn't sign up to make souffle my signature dish, because the difficulty in a flawless execution is not something I want to go through before every party. 
• If you are a novice in the kitchen, read over the recipe and look for action words you don't understand. You either need to immediately google the word and figure out if it's just a pretentious word for a simple action, or move on to a recipe that you understand upon first look. 
• Short ingredient lists do not necessarily indicate simple recipes, but I do recommend them- For a signature dish, you don't want to have to restock your entire kitchen with ingredients that you don't even know how to use in any dish other than your signature. You want to keep it simple, so that you can make a 5 minute trip to the store, or always have your kitchen stocked with the ingredients, and hopefully make the dish with very little notice or forethought.
• Now, you've selected a recipe- what's so signature about a dish that you found a recipe for online? First of all, that it's homemade. You're already making something more special than any of those people who bring a 2 liter of Dr Pepper or a bag of chips. But you know I'm fixing to tell you how to make the dish truly signature- special and secret!
• My best trick for secret or signature recipes is that even if I were to take a recipe and just change or add one ingredient- I just changed the entire chemistry of the dish! You only need ONE change to make something completely different. Here are some suggestions for what you can add to make something just a little bit special:
• On a sweet signature dish, it may be as simple as sprinkling a tiny pinch of sea salt onto the top of whatever you make.
• I'm a native Texan, and we have a habit of adding Jalapeno to EVERYTHING. But, in all fairness, it always makes things taste better! There are some great seasonings out there like Jalapeno salt and Habanero salt that you can use in order to add a punch of flavor while still practicing restraint.
• Bacon. Most party-goers will enthusiastically consume things with bacon added if only to say they tried it. All the better if you succeed. I do not recommend that most new or novice chefs bother trying to add bacon to ice cream, even as a professional I have found it exceedingly difficult to avoid it turning into ice cream with bits of soggy meat. Come to think of it, you could, however, serve some fresh, crispy maple bacon bits on the side in a bowl to sprinkle on top along with nuts, cherries and whipped cream!
• For both sweet and savory (salty, meaty, hearty) dishes, add just a pinch of cinnamon, nutmeg, chili powder, ginger, clove to the recipe to change the depth of flavor. You can even play with curry or cumin if you're really adventurous, just be extremely cautious and only add a very very little bit at a time.
• You can add mint or basil to either savory or sweet dishes, but take great care in how you add it, how much you add and what flavor profiles you are adding it to. If you are unsure, allow yourself opportunity to experiment before you need to have the dish ready for others to consume, or write me specifically and let me know what the dish you want to alter is, and how you think you'd like to enhance it. I can help you individually with what you need.
• You can also take something basic and add a sauce, like a peanut butter chocolate cream pie that I made a few weeks ago- It was a pretty typical pie recipe, but I  added a sweet, grapey red wine sauce on the side for people to put on the plate with their slice, so that they got a PB&J sort of flavor profile.
• You may also be able to mix up different recipes. Again with the pie crust example, If you have a recipe that calls for a graham cracker crust, you may choose to mix it up, and make one with a different kind of cookie or cracker, like Oreos, Club crackers, Nilla Wafers, even pretzels! Though I prefer, when working with something salty like pretzels, to mix the crumbs with a sweeter cookie like the Oreos, Grahams or Nilla wafers.
• Pay attention to popular flavor pairings. If you have a great recipe for something that is heavy on caramel, you may have noticed the recent trend of adding salt to caramel desserts. You don't, however, see a lot of "sea-salted raspberries". Keep in mind what is already appealing and popular when you're messing with recipes. I'm not saying you shouldn't try a little salt on your raspberry dream bars, but I BEG you to taste and taste again before you serve it to a bunch of people and get a reputation for bad tasting food. 
• One more option is to consider taking all the elements of a classic dish and making it into a less conventional state- for instance, you may freeze your cream pie, or you may make a milkshake with all the flavors of banana pudding. You may take a popular punch or beverage and freeze it into small Popsicles- root beer float on a stick, anybody? You may even simply take the elements of a loose dessert, or one with lots of components, and make it easier to eat in a party setting. One example of this is that I once took all the components of a banana split, spooned small portions of each onto a crepe, and made little sweet dessert spring-rolls. They were cute, clever, delicious, and really very simple to make. 
• I even took that idea a little further because I froze a few of them, stuck a Popsicle stick into them, battered them in pancake batter and fried them. You can fry ANYTHING. This is not necessarily for novice cooks, though- hot oil is nothing to take lightly. Please exercise caution and obtain more experienced supervision whenever cooking with hot oil until you are comfortable and experienced in doing it without help.

I am excited to hear what signature dishes my readers can come up with! Please email me your new signature ideas, recipes, successes and disasters. If you send me photos, all the better! I hope to post a follow up blog to this in a few weeks featuring y'all's culinary adventures!