Overcoming Heartbreak: (Part II) The Rational

The Rational

Continuing my trilogy on overcoming all kinds of heartbreak, today I will explore the rational side of recovery. If you missed part 1, just scroll down to the previous post to get caught up.

What does Rational mean?

According to dictionary.reference.com, 

ra·tion·al 

adjective

1.

agreeable to reason; reasonable; sensible

2.

having or exercising reason, sound judgment, or good sense

3.

being in or characterized by full possession of one's reason; sane; lucid

4.

endowed with the faculty of reason

5.

of, pertaining to, or consulting reasoning powers

This is a major factor in heartbreak, as I'm sure you can guess, because hurt makes us feel a little bit crazy. We feel out of our element, out of our senses, and out of touch with our "usual" selves. So how can find our footing in the real world again?

First, remember that while this feels totally special and exclusive to you, that nobody else could possibly know just what you're going through, you're not alone, you're not the first person that has ever felt this way. I am aware that this isn't exactly a consolation for 99% of you, but it's important to establish that baseline so that you realize, the statements I am making to help all sorts of people may be able to help you, too! So just give them a try, what'll it hurt?

Next, let's talk for a second about a reaction I have seen consistently from every person I've seen hurt, including myself- Reading Significance Into EVERYTHING! If you are heartbroken because of a loss of someone through death, read the following blue paragraph before continuing. If you are not, feel free to skip down to the rest of the purple.

Now, if you are dealing with an "organic" heartbreak, such as the death of a loved one, significant dates, places and objects will be important to  keep your loved one in memory. Unfortunately, that is the effect that significance has on everything. Even when dealing with healthy, natural grief, it can and will eventually stunt your emotional and rational progress through the stages of grieving if you fail to identify when you are dwelling excessively. So RATIONALLY what you need to do is identify a handful of significant things, like a keepsake, anniversary, birth-date, death-date, one or two special places that hold meaning. The key word here is handful; if you've ever watched the show Hoarders, that is a physical representation of what happens in our hearts, minds, and sometimes our houses when we feel we can not dare dissociate our loved one from every single object that initially reminds us of them. Keep their memory, but remember that they probably would want you to move on with your life, and enjoy the time you have without them if you can. So gradually take rational steps towards remembering them sweetly when you see that baseball hat on your dresser, or put that necklace on in the morning, or when you realize it's their birthday, and then go outside and live your own life completely and happily, in honor of that memory.

For those of you dealing with heartbreaks more along the lines of a broken relationship, be it romantic or close friend, I'm about to give you a step by step plan. We all have those times where it seems like everything reminds us of them; that's the coffee shop where we had our second date, that's the song that was on the radio when we said I love you for the first time, He loves the Dallas Cowboys and now I can't stand to stay in the city for fear of being reminded of that, her favorite color is blue and now I want to cry all over again every time I see anyone in a blue shirt, WHY CAN'T EVERYBODY JUST STOP WEARING BLUE FOREVER!? You can see where it gets irrational, but it's an amazingly fine line! Now prepare yourself- this is a practice in disciplined rationality and self control! It only works if you want it to. 

~ The object is to systematically lower the significance of the more every-day reminders you have in your life of whatever is causing you hurt.

1. Start with realizing that you will never erase your memory, and that's a good thing- someday, some of those memories will be sweet without hurting, too. 

2. When you come to a point where you want to avoid something because it reminds you of your loss, stop yourself- don't let yourself dwell, and don't run away. Let yourself feel that initial zing of emotion and hurt in your chest, and then be conscious of its fading away as you come to terms with whatever significance you just recognized. 

3. Now ask yourself a couple of questions:

• Did I like this before it was associated with this person?
• Would I have liked this if I had found it without this person?
• Would I have to significantly change my habits or way of life to avoid this reminder?
• Do I have any positive associations with this momentum that are not related to this person?

4. If the answer to any of the above is yes, work on realizing that it is worth removing the significance of this particular person. If you liked it before, it's YOURS! Don't let your heartbreak take that enjoyment from you! If it's a television show, watch some new episodes you never watched with them, so that you have your own independent experience to cite when you consider your opinion of it. If it's a restaurant or a place you enjoy visiting, make a date to meet someone different, a friend or sister or brother, even a business associate, at that place- remove the sentimental significance so that it becomes, once again, a restaurant you happen to like. 

I have a favorite coffee shop that I happened to go to on my first date with my most recent boyfriend. I remember when I instinctively went to go there to study a few weeks after we broke up, I almost turned around and had to sit in the parking lot for a few minutes to soak in the flood of sweet memories that came over me of that night. Finally, though, I thought- this was my favorite place before I told him about it, and sure, I had my first date with him over in that corner, but I also had an important conversation with "Jane" at that other table, and talked to a stranger about my faith in that chair over there, and I've flirted with the barristas over that counter every time for the last 2 years! This is MY place, not mine and his! And while I still have fleeting thoughts of him sometimes when I sit in that particular corner, I acknowledge it and then let it go, and enjoy my coffee.

5. Significant dates are impossible to avoid. It will not help your life to sour your mood for the whole day or stay in bed. But the funny thing about significant dates is, there's usually some other significance they can represent and share! When your anniversary date comes around post-breakup, don't stay home moping, look Facebook to see if any of your friends have a birthday that day- now it's not "the day that used to be your anniversary" it's "so and so's birthday". If there is no alternative significance to be had, MAKE A NEW MEMORY!!!!! Instead of sulking and perpetuating the misery of that day by adding more and more negative associations to it, call up a friend and go do something new that you've never done before or don't do often enough. Then, next year, when that day rolls around and the memory of that relationship tries to tug on your sleeve, you can immediately be reminded that that was why you went out that night and had a blast rollerblading with your friend Steve.

And finally, learn to find a bit of humor in those things you attach significance to. I once started feeling nostalgic about a guy I was never even all that attached to because I was driving a road I had only ever taken before to get to his house. Then I realized how silly it was to associate emotional significance to a chunk of the interstate! Once you get to where you can find a little humor, the hurt will instantly fade.

Tune in tomorrow for The Spiritual side of recovery.