In an effort to only provide translations that you would actually consider relevant and useful, I've asked my male friends to compile the mysteries of the feminine mystique that THEY find most difficult to comprehend. So from YOUR mouths, I present the first part of my translations. I hope this will inspire all of my male readers to write in with their own questions, or I will run out of material tragically soon.
#1: Why do women go to the bathroom in groups?
4 reasons, actually:
First, power of suggestion- once one person has to go, we realize we haven't been in a while.
Second, we want to talk privately- while we may have the technology nowadays to text each other under the table, a lot more can be said much more quickly in the bathroom. We might be discussing whether or not one of the men at the table seems interested in any of us, or comparing notes on the conversation and what we think it "means"; Realize, men, that women are deconstructing almost every interaction and comment made during their interactions with y'all, often multiple times, if we are now or may eventually be interested in you.
Third, Physiology- Women actually have a chemical reaction to those moments of "girl time". Our brains release a hormone called Oxytocin, which is a "feel good" hormone, whenever we are sharing secrets, being emotionally intimate, touching and complementing elements of each other's outfits, and playing with each other's hair. We receive a mutual dose of "good feelings" every time we fix each other's makeup, or smooth those flyaway hairs on each other. We don't even realize we're compelled physically to continue these habits, but it's like smoking a cigarette after a meal- the circumstance of joining each other for a little private chat in the bathroom becomes compulsively appealing because we always receive that hit of Oxytocin when we do!
Fourth, it's a bit of girl-code that we all know there is a chance one of us may need feminine hygiene products and that we have run out, or forgotten to bring any. We have ALL been there, and in order to spare the potential awkwardness and obviousness of our friend coming back from the bathroom only to whisper in our ear, make a not-so-subtle exchange between purses and go right back to the bathroom, we all come and we all bring our purses, just in case.
#2: Why do girls get bitter, jealous and act competitive with each other so often?
Psychologically, there is a phenomenon within the female brain called "queen bee syndrome" where we feel a compulsion, desire, to put ourselves at the top of the pecking order when we are in a group of other women and there are men present. We actually are more often fighting this instinct when we truly like our female friends and don't want to dominate them, because it's our natural reaction to the circumstance to do so. So men, if you want an indicator of self-control and mind-over-matter in a woman, look to see which of your friends remains humble and seeks opportunities to promote her female friends, rather than put them down when they are around you.
Emotionally, this is an impulse equal to the male impulse to find competition in everyday tasks- if I dropped a box of a thousand paper clips on the floor, and there were two men in the room, it would be minutes at most before they're making a competition of who picks up the most paper clips the fastest, and who has the best method of doing so. In the same way, women are deeply competitive, but more subtle. Rather than proving ourselves as the "Alpha" through outward competition, we are more subtle- we want to prove our "alpha" status through more difficult to measure accomplishments, such as which of us has the most self-confidence, which of us has the most reason to be confident, which of us is most successful, which of us is most capable of attracting the attention of a man in the room, etc. What it comes down to is, our motivations are really not very different from men's, but we take the outcomes more personally, so it's emotionally a bigger deal for us to come out on top.
#3: What is a "frienemy" and WHY are they so common in some groups of women?
Urban Dictionary defines a Frienemy as:
A "toxic" person who poses as a friend but subconsciously or consciously wishes you harm.
Or: A person who you treat and whom treats you as a friend but if they are given a chance would "cut your throat" or get one over on you/put themselves first if it would benefit themselves, or they would gain an advantage over you.
The first piece of useful information you might glean from these definitions is that for the most part, women would not have their frienemies if they felt they had the choice; it normally takes place in such a social setting that the receiving friend can't easily avoid the friendship without some level of social or proprietorial backlash. Sometimes we keep those friends because it would ultimately be a lot more drama and heartache to get rid of them than to simply tolerate them. Sometimes we keep them around because at one time we really were friends, and either we have too many mutual friends, acquaintances and interests for it to be worth putting all of it at risk, or they knew us well enough at one time that we actually fear the possible exposure of whatever private knowledge they gained during the friendship. Contrary to what the media might portray, no female likes having or being a frienemy- it is not typically a voluntary situation, and it almost exclusively takes place in groups where one or both women wouldn't feel comfortable remaining in the group in the same capacity if they actually severed the friendship, or they feel the potential consequences of severing it outweigh the advantages of losing one toxic friend. Speaking as a woman, it most often occurs when at least one of the women involved is overly-dramatic, and I personally have never known any woman to have or be a frienemy on purpose.
#4: How can we tell if a woman is trying to hint that she would like us to ask her out?
I'll give you a few specific cues that you can use your own discretion (or email me if you are in doubt) to cross over into different, but similar arenas.
- She talks about movies she would like to see but is waiting to watch until she has a date- a woman will not likely phrase it this way or bother mentioning waiting for a date unless she likes someone in the room- keep in mind, though, it might not be you if there are other men in the room. If she starts saying something like this, though, look at her- she will almost certainly look at the man she most wishes to see the movie with when she says it.
- She is vague about her own plans for a weekend or evening, or expressly mentions that she has none, and immediately asks you if you have anything planned. She is hoping you will either say "I don't have anything in particular, want to do something together?" or "I was thinking about going to _____________... Hey, would you like to come?"-- In this case, if you realize she's hinted and you actually respond accordingly, follow through immediately with making the plan- establish a time, and if you want it to be a date, arrange to pick her up, make a mention of buying her ticket, and/or actually say at the end of the conversation: "Great! It's a date, then!"
- She finds opportunities to touch you unnecessarily. If you realize a woman is doing this, though, pay attention to whether she touches other men as often (after all, some people are just touchy with everyone!). But if she seems to be touching you significantly more than other people, that's a pretty solid sign of attraction- I personally am a very touch-oriented personality, but I am conscious not to touch any man I am not attracted to extraneously. I may give him a hug, but I will never place my hand on a guy's forearm while talking to him about any random thing unless I find him attractive.
- Listen for complements! I love complementing all my friends, but I am careful to save certain types of complements for the guys I like- I might complement any guy's hair, clothing, watch, etc. But if a woman grabs your bicep and says "wow, you're sooo muscular!" that is flat-out flirting. Also, I may complement a friend once, but I'll complement a man I'm interested in every chance I get. Keep in mind, however, that it isn't unheard of for people to flirt with people they're comfortable with, regardless of their actual level of attraction- This is why you should pay attention to how she acts with everyone else.
- She asks you for romantic advice about some mystery guy, and then she does whatever you advised her to do to you!
- For me personally, when I like a guy, I'll do something for the whole group, like bake cookies, but I'll make sure HE gets first pick, I'll make HIS favorite flavor, and I'll give HIM a bigger portion... but even I admit that's overly subtle to be of any interpretable use.
- The most fool-proof way, is to gather your courage, ask her out, and prepare for the possibility of rejection- if she says yes, you have your answer. And, incidentally, a date!
#5: How can we tell if a woman is trying to let us know we've been friend-zoned?
- If she calls you any of the following: Bro, Dude, Man, Friend, Buddy.
- If she says "you're like a brother to me"
- If she says "your friendship is so precious to me, I'd never want to jeopardize it" (by the way I almost hate to write this because if I could, I'd tell every girl who says that that she's probably telling it to someone who could end up being a great match for her. It's really not a fair statement, but it IS a friend-zoning statement.)
- She discusses her crushes on other men with you
- She asks you for romantic advice and then does not do whatever you suggested with you
- If she suggests other women you would be "cute" with, or recommends other women for you to ask out.
- If she says "if it weren't for... *insert unchangeable characteristic that will never be different about yourself here* I could date you..." this sentence is tricky though- if she says "if it weren't for the fact that you smoke, I would totally go out with you", she may be dropping a hint that she likes you and wishes she could date you if you ever decided to quit smoking. If she says "If it weren't for the fact that you're 7 feet tall, or 20 years older than me, or a completely different religion than me, I would totally date you"- she's pointing out a truth, but also telling you that she's not going to change her mind about her feelings for you any more than you can make yourself a foot shorter, or 20 years younger, or suddenly believe an entirely different theology.
- The most FOOLPROOF way to know she's not interested? If when you ask her out, she says "No, I'm sorry, I just don't see you that way". IF you aren't sure how your friend feels about you, but you like her, just man up and ask her out.
What do you think, ladies? Have I represented us well enough? Would you like to add or argue with anything I've said? Respond in the comments!
Please send me your questions! I am working on a MEN: Decoded sequel to this for my Lady readers, so ladies, send me what you've always wondered about what men are thinking. I also hope today's blog will inspire my Male readers to send in more questions they hope to have answered! Send them in to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com or click the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page
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