That Awkward Moment When...

Dear Suzy,

My question has to do with workplace etiquette. I recently had a supervisor approach me and share some details about his personal life that he had never told anyone else. It was nothing scandalous or inappropriate, but I felt as if he was a little put back when I didn't tell him anything personal about me in return. I am a very private person and while I don't have trouble keeping secrets or listening to a person vent about their problems, I don't feel the need to share in return, especially in a workplace setting. Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this unspoken-ly mutually awkward situation besides just changing the subject? Thanks Suzy!

Trusted

Constance Bonacieux in  France

Dear Constance,

It seems from the tone of your letter that you don't have a problem with this superior opening up to you, more that you don't know how to respond, so I'll speak to that. You can say "I'm happy to know that you feel you can trust me with this..." And if you're a Christian or subscribe to a different, similar faith, you can add "I'll definitely be keeping you in my prayers about this matter." This is a sort of verbal end to the paragraph, and it gives you the control to segue the conversation into a new chapter, close the book altogether, or start a new one along the same lines if you ever come to a place where you do find that you're comfortable sharing a bit about yourself. Be cautious about becoming a sounding board or altar for other people's personal problems, particularly coworkers. 

To some extent it can be very beneficial to have a general feeling of trust and sharing in the workplace, but it's a fine line between trust and over-share. If the nature of this person's issues are deep, and involve major crises, personal family or relationship issues, or problems of a more spiritual or even existential nature, you may look for an opportunity to gently recommend that the person seek help from a professional counselor. Above all, don't allow yourself to feel guilty about not reciprocating this person's openness- we don't give gifts with the expectation of receiving one back, and we don't share with people we trust merely as a means to get them to tell us their own secrets. It's likely that this person just felt burdened, had a lot on his mind, and was relieved to know someone else knows where they're coming from. It has been my experience that people want to be known and to be understood more than pretty much anything else. You are blessing this person just listening to them, and that doesn't make it your obligation to offer your own private life as some sort of exchange or proof of appreciation. 

If you are a Christian, or for all my Christian readers, this is an awesome opportunity to open up to this person about what God has done/is doing in your life. Those are personal stories that will make the other person feel closer to you, feel trusted, but they are things that you should be excited to have opportunities to share- it's less intrusive for you than talking about your love life or your family life, but it's still intimate- and it may turn out to be a God-ordained evangelism opportunity, especially if the person you are talking to is dealing with difficult life circumstances.

In case you haven't noticed (or maybe you have!), in place of my readers' names, I have been using the names of various characters from literature who might have theoretically asked whatever question precedes it. I am issuing a challenge to you, my readers, to guess or figure out the story or piece of literature I got the name from and post your guesses in the comments section. You will be rewarded with many imaginary internet points, and bragging rights to my fellow readers.

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