Hell or Tinkerbell?

Today I'm going to be a pretty casual and speak about something that has been rolling around my mind for quite some time now- Hell.

Yes, that's right, H-E-double-hockeysticks. 

I suppose the "thesis" of this post would be...

I believe that Hell exists

^^^(Does Not Equal)^^^

I hope you go to Hell.

Allow me to explain. It seems that whenever I find myself in a conversation with a person whose philosophy of the afterlife does not include the Hell option, the underlying tone and occasionally stated feeling of the conversation is that in my owning that I believe that Hell not only exists, but is actually a place that certain people will end up, I am giving my personal consent to those people ending up there. This could not be further from what is happening. 

Before I dive into what exactly I believe and why I believe it and even why it does not mean I want to damn everybody to Hell, I would like to explain the most bare-bones basic logic of this theology:

IF Hell exists, then it exists. IF this is the case, my belief (no matter how weak or strong) that it exists does not in any way solidify or confirm Hell's existence. Likewise, IF Hell exists, YOUR*** belief (no matter how weak or strong) that Hell does NOT exist does not in any way nullify Hell's existence. Regardless of either of our beliefs, it either exists or it doesn't.

In case this argument does not make sense to you, because the verbiage is somewhat repetitive, I will give a more tangible example:

IF a banana exists, then it exists. IF this is the case, my belief (no matter how weak or strong) that it exists does not in any way solidify or confirm the banana's actual existence. Likewise, IF the banana exists, YOUR*** belief (no matter how weak or strong) that the banana does NOT exist does not in any way nullify the banana's actual existence. Regardless of either of our beliefs, it either exists or it doesn't.

This statement holds equally true if Hell does NOT exist. 

So here's the thing. It seems that most often, people who do not believe in Hell treat the beliefs of those who do in a similar fashion to that of the belief in Fairies in the story of Peter Pan:

Odds are good that I am losing you a little, it is a REALLY BIG topic and a lot of thinking to verbalize, but please, bear with me for another moment, and I'll try to be clear:

Nonbelievers in Hell often act as though the more I say I believe in Hell, or the more strong my belief in Hell is, the more real becomes- like the fairies. It's as if every time I own my belief that Hell exists, I am shouting in the person's face "I DO BELIEVE IN HELL! I DO! I DO!" and as a result, Hell becomes less a figment of my imagination and more a burning pit of justice.

Again I say, my belief in Hell and your*** nonbelief in Hell have no impact on whether it actually exists.

A particularly harsh truth that follows the same logic is:

No matter how hard you deny the existence of a banana, the banana's state of being will not change.

No matter how inconvenient the banana's existence is, the banana's state of being will not change

No matter how terrible the potential implications of the banana's existence are, the banana's state of being will not change.

To this point, I have been stating my logical defense for why I believe what I believe, and more importantly why that belief does not have anything to do with whether I think specific individuals will or should be damned to Hell. Now I will further explain why my belief in Hell has the opposite effect on my attitude about YOUR*** afterlife than seems to be most often expected.

I am a Christian. I have come to a point of hesitating to identify myself as such, selecting instead to say "follower of Jesus Christ" or similar, because so many broad stereotypes and labels have been associated with people who call themselves Christians. Here is what I mean when I call myself a Christian:

I believe in one God.

I believe in life after the death of our earthly bodies.

I believe in Heaven and Hell.

I believe that everyone sins.

I define sin as living in any way that is not in line with the holy character of God.

I believe I am a HUGE, WHOPPING sinner.

I believe you are, too (sorry).

I believe that God not only created, but really, REALLY loves all people- everybody.

I believe that God's character is strongly just, and that that justice carries through to there being consequence for sin.

I believe that the consequence for sin is death and Hell.

I believe that God loves people so much, He wanted to give us a way to avoid Hell, because we can't seem to stop stepping outside of that which is holy.

I believe that in His cosmic, bigger-and-smarter-than-me glorious logic, God determined that the best and only way to get around the perfect system of justice He established was to completely contradict the process.

I believe that to do that, God came to earth as His own son, 100% God but also 100% human, lived out a life on earth facing all the same temptations to sin that every other human faces, and remained holy. Then he underwent the punishment He didn't earn, but you and me and that guy over there earn on a daily basis.

I believe that this shook the foundations of the whole system of justice, and in doing so, God atoned for our unholiness- because Jesus Christ died, even though He was perfect, we don't have to!

And I believe that if we accept the gift that God gave us in this sacrificial atonement, we DON'T have to go to Hell! and we get to go to Heaven even though we totally don't deserve it (And I MEAN We).

But I also believe that we do have to accept God's gift of grace; He won't force it on us- that's part of free will.

So here's the deal. Now that you know exactly what I believe and why I believe it, I'd like to ask you to put yourself in my shoes for a moment. Imagine that you have the deepest, most genuine belief that Hell does exist, that people will go there for ALL of eternity, and that you know a way they can avoid going there. Wouldn't you tell them?

Taking that into consideration, answer me this: How much would I have to hate somebody if I knew all that and didn't at least TRY to tell them what I know?

If I truly believed you could go to Hell, and I truly believed I knew how to save you, but I decided not to tell you because it might make you feel uncomfortable or offend you, that would make me a jerk of literally eternal proportions. 

So in conclusion, I hope you at least come away with this: Yes, I believe in Hell. Yes, I believe people go there. NO, I don't want you to go there. God loves you, and I love you, and that is why I am telling you about it- not the other way around.

I recognize that this whole post is potentially controversial. I am genuinely not trying to pick any fights, but to present my understandings to the best of my ability. I welcome your responses, though I urge you to remain civil. If you have any questions or interest in having a conversation with me about anything in this post, feel free to click the "Email Me" link on the right side of the page, or send an email to asksuzyadvice@gmail.com. 

I try to minimize the Suzy's soap-box feature of this blog, but I do feel more strongly about this subject than any household tips, relationship advice or recipes. I will resume that content in the next post, though! Thank you for reading.

***By "your" I of course mean the hypothetical reader taking whatever stance is expressed, not literally you in the you sense, unless it happens to apply.

A Few Lessons Learned The Hard Way

Hello my dear readers! I have been inspired to write today's post by recent events in my personal life. I hope that most of the advice I provide today might never be used by any of you, but I also hope that it saves anyone who uses it a lot of trouble.

A few months ago, I was in a single car accident:

I made a number of choices before, during, and after the wreck. Some were good choices, some were not, and I hope y'all can learn something from those mistakes.

• NEVER drive tired. The night before the accident I had a terrible migraine, and when I woke up for a very early morning class that day, I still had a bad headache and felt very unwell. I made two choices: first, that I would still go to class because I *had* to turn in an assignment, and second that I would drive the half hour commute rather than take the train so that I could get an extra 45 minutes of sleep. Halfway to school, I zoned out and started to swerve off the road, and upon feeling a change in the texture of the road, I snapped out of it and overcompensated, jerking the steering wheel to the right and throwing the car completely out of control.
• Don't freak out if you start swerving out of your lane. Gently turn the wheel and get back into your lane- better you rub your tires a bit if you're that far over than pitch the entire car across three lanes of highway and risk rolling your car.
• DO NOT TEXT AND DRIVE!!!!! I praise God that I did not even have my phone in my lap when the accident happened, or I would have never forgiven myself. That said, if I can swerve out of my lane with my eyes on the road, all the more times could the same accident have happened if I texted while driving. I can not tell you how many times someone has nearly sideswiped me or weaved in and out of their lane in front of me only for me to clearly see them staring at their phones, totally oblivious. It is DANGEROUS!!! It is no different than watching a movie on your phone while driving, or reading a textbook in your lap while driving, and I KNOW y'all don't do that- so why text?
• Keep your hands at 4 and 8 on the steering wheel. This is actually a fairly recent amendment to the previously advocated "10 & 2" recommendation from drivers' safety courses, but they have in fact determined that you have at least as much control over your steering from the "4 & 8" position as the "10 & 2", and it is safer in the event of an airbag deployment. I can attest to this 100% because I had my right hand at 4, but I had my left hand at 10, and look at the difference between the injuries just two hours after the accident:

• 
  
  
  
  
  Three months later, the bruise on my left arm STILL isn't completely healed. In the event of a collision, this small change to your driving habits could save you a lot of pain.

• If you are pitched or thrown during the collision, avoid moving until the paramedics get there unless your car is in immediate danger of being hit again. This is also good to know if you are ever the first passerby on the scene of an accident. The kind Samaritans who came to my aid after my wreck immediately pulled me out of the car and took me to the back, because the front-end was perpendicular to the left lane of the highway. However, I was notified by my doctor later that if I had had a neck or spine injury this could have caused major damage to me.
• If you can walk, and you do not appear (by the paramedics) to have a concussion, major internal injuries, or major external wounds on the scene of the accident, you may want to call someone to pick you up and take you to the hospital or GP. Ambulances cost a TON of money, and that will often use up your entire medical deductible, if it is even covered by insurance. If the paramedics are not specifically recommending you be strapped to a gurney, it may do you well to get an alternative ride.
• After a major collision, DO seek medical attention. After my wreck, I waited 12 hours to go to the hospital, because although I was badly bruised, I did not seem to have any deeper pains or broken bones. As it turned out, however, I did not merely have a black eye- I had fractured my eye socket in two places. Eventually this injury required corrective surgery.
• Unless you have the money for another car in the bank, DO include collision coverage on your insurance. I made the choice to save about $200/year on insurance because I considered my car too old to be worth it. While I had liability insurance, this accident was my fault and only involved my car, which was completely totaled. I ended up spending $6000 to replace a car I had owned for 18 months, to save myself $300 on insurance.
• DO keep your car clean. Save yourself a LOT of hassle, because if your car is a total loss you will have to crawl around inside and try to track down all those valuable papers and shoes.
• Don't forget your stickers! I did not think about peeling off my TollTag or parking sticker from my windshield before selling the car for scrap, and I had to pay a fee to replace the parking sticker. I also ran a risk of someone taking and using my TollTag on a different car leaving it there.
• One MORE!!!! ALWAYS have the phone number for a towing company in your wallet or phone! I just let the police call whoever they usually call, and the company charged me about $300 to tow the car less than 5 miles. That is exorbitant and ridiculous. When I called my own company to tow it from the appraiser to my house, over 10 miles, they charged me $75.

Anyway friends, these are the lessons I learned, and I hope it explains a little bit why I have been out of commission for a few months. Y'all stay safe, please! 

(And by the way, in case you were worried I'm fine now- my face is totally healed with no permanent damage to anything)

A Delectable Dilemma

Dear Suzy,

I recently bought an enormous jar- no, barrel- of Nutella at Costco, BECAUSE I COULD. Now that the euphoria of my awesome deal has worn off a touch, WHAT am I going to DO with this glorious bounty of hazelnutty goodness?!?!?

Salivating,

Forsythe P. Jones

Dear Jughead,

I'm going to do this post list-style, and then you can ask for any recipes you'd like to try in the comments:

1. Frozen-nutella-dipped-banana-on-a-stick
2. Nutella Fondue
3. Nutella stuffed french toast
4. Nutella filled begnets
5. Ennumerable non-PG sexy applications I won't list here
6. Nutella filled croissants
7. Nutella mascarpone filling for cannolis
8. Warm Nutella over ice cream
9. Nutella Popsicles
10. Nutella truffles
11. Nutella cream Pie
12. Fruit tarts with Nutella cream filling
13. Nutella funnel cake
14. Nutella Pancakes/Waffles
15. Just plunge your whole hand into the jar like Winnie the Pooh does with a jar of honey
16. Nutella buttercream for a cake
17. Baked Brie with Nutella
18. Nutella cake
19. Nutella Cheesecake
20. Nutella chocolate Milk
21. Peanut Butter and Nutella sandwich (best on toast)
22. Nutella Bread
23. Nutella Mocha
24. A hot grilled cheese sandwich with a gooey milder cheese such as havarti or fresh mozzarella is delicious when dipped in Nutella
25. Pretzels & Nutella
26. Nutella Brownies
27. Nutella Cookies (optionally with toffee or hazelnut chips)
28. Nutella Souffle
29. Nutella Monkey Bread
30. Nutella Italian Egg Cream
31. Nutella Egg Nog
32. Nutella and strawberry sandwich
33. Nutella and Banana sandwich
34. Frozen Nutella Dipped Pineapple
35. Nutella Empanadas
36. Nutella Fruit Pizza
37. Peanut Butter Nutella Mousse Pie
38. Nutella Crepe Station
39. Nutella S'mores
40. Nutella as a dip for a Monte Cristo Sandwich
41. Nutella Biscotti
42. Nutella Molten Cake
43. Nutella and pear filled Filo pastries
44. Nutella French Toasted Quesadilla
45. Nutella Pots du Creme
46. Nutella Creme Brulee
47. Nutella Scones
48. Nutella 'Nana Puddin'
49. Nutella Oatmeal
50. Nutella Filled Cream Puffs/ Eclairs

There are so many more, but hopefully I've given you a few ideas to try for now. This post is a little shorter, but only because I anticipate your requests for recipes in the comments section, so I'll see you there!

Please write to me with your questions about recipes, romance, relationships, family, life... anything! Just click the "email us" link on the right hand side of the page, or email me at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com.

Overcoming Heartbreak: (Part III) The Spiritual

If you've been following my trilogy on Overcoming Heartbreak, you're here to read about the Spiritual aspect of overcoming heartbreak, which is really the most important side. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, feel free to scroll down to read the previous two posts which outline the Rational and Practical sides of the issue.

If it isn't obvious yet, this post will be strongly God-centric, so there's your disclaimer. I hope that even if you aren't "very religious" that you will read on, because there is so much great comfort and wisdom in scriptures, whether you "usually buy into it" or not- it may be a happy surprise to find relief for your heartbreak in an unexpected place.

I'll begin this by giving you the scriptural justifications for the advice I dished out for the Rational and Practical sides of this very quickly. Highlighted in blue like this are verses I strongly recommend memorizing, so that you can recall them whenever they are needed (yes, I know they're all good, these are just exceptionally applicable).

1. Be near people: 

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

2. Find People to Lean On: 

"As Iron sharpens Iron, so one man sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17)

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2)

"Let us not give up meeting together... but let us encourage one another" (Hebrews 10:25)

3. Get Moving, Be Active, Go Outside:

"Light is sweet, and it pleases the eyes to see the sun" (Ecclesiastes 11:7)

"Physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come" (1 Timothy 4:8)

4. Give and Serve:

"A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed" 

(Proverbs 11:25)

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32)

"Encourage one another and build each other up" (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

5. You'll Never Completely Forget, but That's OK:

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up" (Psalm 71:20)

"We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Corinthians 4:16-17)

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us" (Romans 5:3-5)

6. Don't Dwell, but Don't Run Away- Grieve and then Move On:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy" (Psalm 126:5)

"There is a time for everything... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" (Ecclesiastes 3:1,4)

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me... This I call to mind and therefore I have hope" (Lamentations 3:19-20, 21)

7. Reclaim Your Joy- Don't Let Hurt or Bitterness Color the Things You Love:

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things" (Philippians 4:8)

"See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (Hebrews 12:15)

So, what comfort can you have in God? Why should you turn to scripture and prayer when you are gripped with heartbreak and hurt?

"...everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the scriptures we might have hope" (Romans 15:4)

Hope. Hope and Joy are the difference between those who turn to faith in rough times, and those who turn to other sources of distraction or medication. 

• He brings rest and security: 

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge" (Psalm 62:5-7)

• He gives patience and contentment: 

"If we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently" (Romans 8:25)

• He gives Boldness, Courage and Assurance: 

"You have been my hope, O sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth" (Psalm 71:5)

"Since we have such a hope, we are very bold" (2 Corinthians 3:12)

"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death" (Philippians 1:20)

• He gives Joy, Perseverance and Comfort:

"May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you" (Psalm 33:22)

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12)

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" 

(Psalm 34:18)

• Take joy in the knowledge that God has a plan and a purpose for your life:

"In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will" (Ephesians 1:11)

• And He is Faithful, he isn't going anywhere:

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness... The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him" (Lamentations 3:22-23, 25)

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" 

(Psalm 34:18)

• There is soooo much more comfort to be had from the Bible, but to wrap this up:

"Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have recieved from God" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Overcoming Heartbreak: (Part II) The Rational

The Rational

Continuing my trilogy on overcoming all kinds of heartbreak, today I will explore the rational side of recovery. If you missed part 1, just scroll down to the previous post to get caught up.

What does Rational mean?

According to dictionary.reference.com, 

ra·tion·al 

adjective

1.

agreeable to reason; reasonable; sensible

2.

having or exercising reason, sound judgment, or good sense

3.

being in or characterized by full possession of one's reason; sane; lucid

4.

endowed with the faculty of reason

5.

of, pertaining to, or consulting reasoning powers

This is a major factor in heartbreak, as I'm sure you can guess, because hurt makes us feel a little bit crazy. We feel out of our element, out of our senses, and out of touch with our "usual" selves. So how can find our footing in the real world again?

First, remember that while this feels totally special and exclusive to you, that nobody else could possibly know just what you're going through, you're not alone, you're not the first person that has ever felt this way. I am aware that this isn't exactly a consolation for 99% of you, but it's important to establish that baseline so that you realize, the statements I am making to help all sorts of people may be able to help you, too! So just give them a try, what'll it hurt?

Next, let's talk for a second about a reaction I have seen consistently from every person I've seen hurt, including myself- Reading Significance Into EVERYTHING! If you are heartbroken because of a loss of someone through death, read the following blue paragraph before continuing. If you are not, feel free to skip down to the rest of the purple.

Now, if you are dealing with an "organic" heartbreak, such as the death of a loved one, significant dates, places and objects will be important to  keep your loved one in memory. Unfortunately, that is the effect that significance has on everything. Even when dealing with healthy, natural grief, it can and will eventually stunt your emotional and rational progress through the stages of grieving if you fail to identify when you are dwelling excessively. So RATIONALLY what you need to do is identify a handful of significant things, like a keepsake, anniversary, birth-date, death-date, one or two special places that hold meaning. The key word here is handful; if you've ever watched the show Hoarders, that is a physical representation of what happens in our hearts, minds, and sometimes our houses when we feel we can not dare dissociate our loved one from every single object that initially reminds us of them. Keep their memory, but remember that they probably would want you to move on with your life, and enjoy the time you have without them if you can. So gradually take rational steps towards remembering them sweetly when you see that baseball hat on your dresser, or put that necklace on in the morning, or when you realize it's their birthday, and then go outside and live your own life completely and happily, in honor of that memory.

For those of you dealing with heartbreaks more along the lines of a broken relationship, be it romantic or close friend, I'm about to give you a step by step plan. We all have those times where it seems like everything reminds us of them; that's the coffee shop where we had our second date, that's the song that was on the radio when we said I love you for the first time, He loves the Dallas Cowboys and now I can't stand to stay in the city for fear of being reminded of that, her favorite color is blue and now I want to cry all over again every time I see anyone in a blue shirt, WHY CAN'T EVERYBODY JUST STOP WEARING BLUE FOREVER!? You can see where it gets irrational, but it's an amazingly fine line! Now prepare yourself- this is a practice in disciplined rationality and self control! It only works if you want it to. 

~ The object is to systematically lower the significance of the more every-day reminders you have in your life of whatever is causing you hurt.

1. Start with realizing that you will never erase your memory, and that's a good thing- someday, some of those memories will be sweet without hurting, too. 

2. When you come to a point where you want to avoid something because it reminds you of your loss, stop yourself- don't let yourself dwell, and don't run away. Let yourself feel that initial zing of emotion and hurt in your chest, and then be conscious of its fading away as you come to terms with whatever significance you just recognized. 

3. Now ask yourself a couple of questions:

• Did I like this before it was associated with this person?
• Would I have liked this if I had found it without this person?
• Would I have to significantly change my habits or way of life to avoid this reminder?
• Do I have any positive associations with this momentum that are not related to this person?

4. If the answer to any of the above is yes, work on realizing that it is worth removing the significance of this particular person. If you liked it before, it's YOURS! Don't let your heartbreak take that enjoyment from you! If it's a television show, watch some new episodes you never watched with them, so that you have your own independent experience to cite when you consider your opinion of it. If it's a restaurant or a place you enjoy visiting, make a date to meet someone different, a friend or sister or brother, even a business associate, at that place- remove the sentimental significance so that it becomes, once again, a restaurant you happen to like. 

I have a favorite coffee shop that I happened to go to on my first date with my most recent boyfriend. I remember when I instinctively went to go there to study a few weeks after we broke up, I almost turned around and had to sit in the parking lot for a few minutes to soak in the flood of sweet memories that came over me of that night. Finally, though, I thought- this was my favorite place before I told him about it, and sure, I had my first date with him over in that corner, but I also had an important conversation with "Jane" at that other table, and talked to a stranger about my faith in that chair over there, and I've flirted with the barristas over that counter every time for the last 2 years! This is MY place, not mine and his! And while I still have fleeting thoughts of him sometimes when I sit in that particular corner, I acknowledge it and then let it go, and enjoy my coffee.

5. Significant dates are impossible to avoid. It will not help your life to sour your mood for the whole day or stay in bed. But the funny thing about significant dates is, there's usually some other significance they can represent and share! When your anniversary date comes around post-breakup, don't stay home moping, look Facebook to see if any of your friends have a birthday that day- now it's not "the day that used to be your anniversary" it's "so and so's birthday". If there is no alternative significance to be had, MAKE A NEW MEMORY!!!!! Instead of sulking and perpetuating the misery of that day by adding more and more negative associations to it, call up a friend and go do something new that you've never done before or don't do often enough. Then, next year, when that day rolls around and the memory of that relationship tries to tug on your sleeve, you can immediately be reminded that that was why you went out that night and had a blast rollerblading with your friend Steve.

And finally, learn to find a bit of humor in those things you attach significance to. I once started feeling nostalgic about a guy I was never even all that attached to because I was driving a road I had only ever taken before to get to his house. Then I realized how silly it was to associate emotional significance to a chunk of the interstate! Once you get to where you can find a little humor, the hurt will instantly fade.

Tune in tomorrow for The Spiritual side of recovery.

Overcoming Heartbreak: (Part I) The Practical

Hey Suzy,

   What advice would you give someone who struggles with abandonment?  I know a guy who is still carrying a torch for a girl he broke up with four years ago and just isn't able to move on with life. He also has a real hard time trusting people and will rarely call, even guys, if he needs help.  In short, he's a mess... I'm interested to read what you think.

Concerned,

Nick Carroway

Dear Nick,

The best I can do is write as though I am talking to your friend, because it's- er, well, it's just easier for me to think that way. My response to your excellent, heartfelt question will come in 3 parts over the next few days, because I think it is such an important one and I don't want to over-summarize anything.

To Nick's friend, and any reader who finds him/herself struggling to overcome rejection or heartbreak, or to move on from other rough times:

First of all, don't feel like you're odd, abnormal, or strange. If you feel like you're taking this harder than people expect you to, or it is taking longer to get over this than others think it should, don't allow that perception to add anxiety to your life. There are no prescribed, set time limits on recovering from heartbreak- everyone is different, and every relationship is different, and will therefore leave different sized wounds in their wake.

Now, I'm not saying that there's no such thing as taking too long to recover or move on- that is definitely not true. Depression, dwelling, sulking- these are all real and they are not healthy. But the purpose now is, regardless of however long you have lingered in your hurt, to Start Moving Forward. 

There are three equally important components to emotional recovery: 

The Practical, the Rational, and the Spiritual

The Practical component is important because our minds so often follow our actions. It gives us something to do, not only to start moving again, but also to fill in the meantime while our brains and our hearts catch up. And the practical suggestions I am about to list all have a direct link to boosting the health of your brain and heart:

• Be Near People: If you have allowed yourself to get caught up in your misery, chances are extremely good that your social life has suffered. So move up one step at a time towards regaining normal social interactions again. I know it feels difficult and miserable for some of you to even think about being around people while in your state of mind, but these interactions are Integral in getting OUT of that state of mind! 

If you've gone fully reclusive, just get out of your house and be around others- you don't even have to talk (the first time), just be near them. 

If you've kept up habits of going to places like work and church, but you cringe or freeze at the thought of initiating small-talk when the weight of the world is on your shoulders, take the plunge, BE A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE! Ultimately you need to work towards the next step

• Find People to Lean On: Chances are, it's not going to be difficult to find them once you're motivated to do so. There are probably people in your life who are or were in touch at the time of your heartbreak, who offered to be there for you or attempted to console you. You may have rejected their attention, and you may even feel like you missed your opportunity. To that I say, give people more credit. You are resilient and so are your old friends. If you call them or facebook message them and invite them to grab a coffee and catch up, they may be confused, but they'll probably show up.

I acknowledge, some apologies may be in order- we can say and do some pretty harsh things when we're hurting. But if you'll be a little uncomfortable, just for a moment, and sincerely own your part, Amazing things will happen, I PROMISE. You're likely to have a stronger friendship than before.

• Get Moving: Be active. We've all heard it before, but exercise causes the body to produce and release endorphins, which are a hormone that makes us feel good, happy, content. I'm not saying you have to go run, though it would work- but add some activity to your day. 

We often get into these ugly cycles of depression and sedentary lifestyles, where we're too sad, lonely, depressed to get up and DO, and then we're bored, alone, tired, lacking energy, which makes us sad, lonely, depressed. Go outside and get a little sun- heck, make it a goal to get a light sunburn, just to feel that warmth and glow (I'm not condoning irresponsible exposure to the sun, but odds are pretty good it has been a long time since you've had a long day in the sun- am I right?). Vitamin D is essential to brain and body function, and lack of it can contribute to depression and ill health.

• Give and Serve: If you read my blog much you know this is my personal super cure for anything that ails you (psychologically, anyway). But in all seriousness, if you can get outside your own self-made shell of woes for just a couple of hours, and serve people with- I won't say bigger, but different problems, and play a small part in alleviating their problems, it will do 2 things:

1. It'll give you a dose of perspective, remind you of the bigger picture, and break you of the solitary room of selfishness our own hurts can sometimes (often?) banish us to.
2. It will remind you of what you DO have- realizing even a few blessings like a bed to sleep in or food in your stomach can open the door to all sorts of other positive thoughts.

The moral of this component is, Get out of yourself and Be A Little Uncomfortable. It is necessary, and if you think about it, where has your comfort zone gotten you so far? It's really not the reliable friend you've come to think it is.

I'll address the other two components in my next two posts, I encourage you once again to send me more awesome questions like Nick's! Simply click the "Email Us" link on the right hand side of the page, or email me at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com

Back From Summer! Lessons Learned

I know, y'all have missed me- but I'm back, and just in time for the new school year. Just to get warmed up and back into the swing of writing regularly again, I've decided to go with a classic topic today: What I Learned On My Summer Vacation.

This was the first summer since my junior year of high school that I didn't spend working full time. I did continue working the part time job I have throughout the school year, but I finally got a much needed break. I am, unfortunately, the quintessential broke college student, so I was unable to do any traveling, but I still managed to have a great time near home, and on a budget. 

So what fun is to be had close to home with a tight budget? I'll tell you some of the things I did:

1) Spent time with family- I had lots of great bonding time with my niece and nephews, and things like taking them to the park, the mall, or swimming cost little to nothing. This is a great way to kill an afternoon and provide a little chill time for their parents. If you don't have offspring of your own, or nieces or nephews, it would probably be all the more welcome if you offered to babysit a good friend's kids for an afternoon. Kids give you an opportunity to do a lot of things you might not want to do by yourself, like go to the zoo (free in my city).

2) Found some volunteering opportunities- Bored? Get outside your bubble a bit. There are so many benefits to giving up a little of your abundant vacation free time! You can meet a whole new group of people, who are more likely to be genuine, giving and down to earth than people you'd meet pretty much anywhere else. You can support and aid a cause that is important to you, and contribute a small but crucial part to conquering a big problem. You can have an opportunity to learn new skills, like painting, organizing, food service, cooking, and hone your people-skills, learning to talk and interact with strangers who come from a different background than you.

3) Took a class- Admittedly, I took classes that were required for the degree program I am working on, but even if you've finished school, it can be a great way to continue growing and learning new things that interest you. You can take a hobby class like painting or wood-burning, or you could take a creative writing class. If you love reading but never seem to be able to make the time, a literature class at the local community college might just provide the motivation you need, or perhaps if you're on an even lower budget, you could join a local book club- or start your own!

4) Started a new fitness regime- I took a short break from my usual workout routine at the start of the summer, and then came back into it with extra motivation. This was a time when I could guiltlessly spend extra time working on my personal fitness goals- really, I had no excuse because for once I not only had the time, but I had it in abundance. Yes, I pay a monthly fee for a gym membership, but even if I didn't, I could take long walks, try out different exercise videos from the library or Movie Trading Company, or swim in my apartment pool.

5) Tuned in to local events- My city, Dallas, has a great resource; Pegasusnews.com, where I can find most of the events happening at any time on any day, and the prices are listed so I can narrow my search to only those things which are free. I use it to find local band performances to check out new talent, events like nature walks, special exhibits at the museum or botanical gardens, and occasionally, when I do feel like spending a little bit of money, I will go to a show. Personally I like comedy shows the best, and this summer I discovered a great local gem called the Pocket Sandwich Theater, where they feature Parody and Comedy plays, and the audience is provided stale popcorn to hurl at the actors whenever the fancy strikes them. I also attended this year's Taste of Dallas, which was a rather expensive ($15 at the door, $5 parking, + $1-$3 for each food item) but exceptionally fun time. I got so much free stuff at the Taste of Dallas, too, that I probably broke even on the initial charge to get in.

6) Caught up on sleep- I am being completely serious here, it makes such a difference to your health, your mood, and your life to take advantage of every opportunity to get adequate sleep. Most people don't realize, when we fail to get adequate sleep, we build a deficit. If you miss 2 hours one night, and 3 hours the next night, sleeping in an extra hour that weekend still leaves you with a 4 hour deficit. Now I'm sure the math isn't necessarily that cut and dry, but the point is, sleeping in one day a week to make up for the other 6 isn't effective. So when you have a vacation, and you make a choice to catnap and "have a lie-in", that's not laziness, it's a great choice, like choosing water over coke. It also allows your body to rejuvenate itself, making your workouts show better and more immediate results, keeping your skin healthy and youthful... Great stuff.

7) Read some books, spent time on my hobbies

8) Took time to focus on my walk with God- I went on a weekend women's retreat at the early part of the summer, where I was encouraged and given a chance to worship, had alone time for prayer, and opportunities to fellowship with other people of my faith. I will be going on another retreat for Young Singles from my church this Labor day, and at the beginning of the summer I bought and started a new devotional workbook just for myself. Now I will admit right here that I am not even halfway through that workbook, and there is still a lot of work that I need to continue to do on prioritizing time for my spiritual walk, but the summer has been a great time to reinvigorate my passion for Christ and His work in my life.

Anyway, that's how I spent my summer, hopefully it'll give some of y'all a few ideas for your own down time, whether vacations, weekends or just evenings off. One thing is for sure, I did miss writing this blog, so I hopefully won't be taking another long break like that until next summer. 

Now that I'm back, I'm looking for fresh material, so send me your questions, topics, etc at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com, or just click the "email us" link on the right hand side of this page. Thanks!