Overcoming Heartbreak: (Part I) The Practical

Hey Suzy,

   What advice would you give someone who struggles with abandonment?  I know a guy who is still carrying a torch for a girl he broke up with four years ago and just isn't able to move on with life. He also has a real hard time trusting people and will rarely call, even guys, if he needs help.  In short, he's a mess... I'm interested to read what you think.

Concerned,

Nick Carroway

Dear Nick,

The best I can do is write as though I am talking to your friend, because it's- er, well, it's just easier for me to think that way. My response to your excellent, heartfelt question will come in 3 parts over the next few days, because I think it is such an important one and I don't want to over-summarize anything.

To Nick's friend, and any reader who finds him/herself struggling to overcome rejection or heartbreak, or to move on from other rough times:

First of all, don't feel like you're odd, abnormal, or strange. If you feel like you're taking this harder than people expect you to, or it is taking longer to get over this than others think it should, don't allow that perception to add anxiety to your life. There are no prescribed, set time limits on recovering from heartbreak- everyone is different, and every relationship is different, and will therefore leave different sized wounds in their wake.

Now, I'm not saying that there's no such thing as taking too long to recover or move on- that is definitely not true. Depression, dwelling, sulking- these are all real and they are not healthy. But the purpose now is, regardless of however long you have lingered in your hurt, to Start Moving Forward. 

There are three equally important components to emotional recovery: 

The Practical, the Rational, and the Spiritual

The Practical component is important because our minds so often follow our actions. It gives us something to do, not only to start moving again, but also to fill in the meantime while our brains and our hearts catch up. And the practical suggestions I am about to list all have a direct link to boosting the health of your brain and heart:

• Be Near People: If you have allowed yourself to get caught up in your misery, chances are extremely good that your social life has suffered. So move up one step at a time towards regaining normal social interactions again. I know it feels difficult and miserable for some of you to even think about being around people while in your state of mind, but these interactions are Integral in getting OUT of that state of mind! 

If you've gone fully reclusive, just get out of your house and be around others- you don't even have to talk (the first time), just be near them. 

If you've kept up habits of going to places like work and church, but you cringe or freeze at the thought of initiating small-talk when the weight of the world is on your shoulders, take the plunge, BE A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE! Ultimately you need to work towards the next step

• Find People to Lean On: Chances are, it's not going to be difficult to find them once you're motivated to do so. There are probably people in your life who are or were in touch at the time of your heartbreak, who offered to be there for you or attempted to console you. You may have rejected their attention, and you may even feel like you missed your opportunity. To that I say, give people more credit. You are resilient and so are your old friends. If you call them or facebook message them and invite them to grab a coffee and catch up, they may be confused, but they'll probably show up.

I acknowledge, some apologies may be in order- we can say and do some pretty harsh things when we're hurting. But if you'll be a little uncomfortable, just for a moment, and sincerely own your part, Amazing things will happen, I PROMISE. You're likely to have a stronger friendship than before.

• Get Moving: Be active. We've all heard it before, but exercise causes the body to produce and release endorphins, which are a hormone that makes us feel good, happy, content. I'm not saying you have to go run, though it would work- but add some activity to your day. 

We often get into these ugly cycles of depression and sedentary lifestyles, where we're too sad, lonely, depressed to get up and DO, and then we're bored, alone, tired, lacking energy, which makes us sad, lonely, depressed. Go outside and get a little sun- heck, make it a goal to get a light sunburn, just to feel that warmth and glow (I'm not condoning irresponsible exposure to the sun, but odds are pretty good it has been a long time since you've had a long day in the sun- am I right?). Vitamin D is essential to brain and body function, and lack of it can contribute to depression and ill health.

• Give and Serve: If you read my blog much you know this is my personal super cure for anything that ails you (psychologically, anyway). But in all seriousness, if you can get outside your own self-made shell of woes for just a couple of hours, and serve people with- I won't say bigger, but different problems, and play a small part in alleviating their problems, it will do 2 things:

1. It'll give you a dose of perspective, remind you of the bigger picture, and break you of the solitary room of selfishness our own hurts can sometimes (often?) banish us to.
2. It will remind you of what you DO have- realizing even a few blessings like a bed to sleep in or food in your stomach can open the door to all sorts of other positive thoughts.

The moral of this component is, Get out of yourself and Be A Little Uncomfortable. It is necessary, and if you think about it, where has your comfort zone gotten you so far? It's really not the reliable friend you've come to think it is.

I'll address the other two components in my next two posts, I encourage you once again to send me more awesome questions like Nick's! Simply click the "Email Us" link on the right hand side of the page, or email me at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com

Back From Summer! Lessons Learned

I know, y'all have missed me- but I'm back, and just in time for the new school year. Just to get warmed up and back into the swing of writing regularly again, I've decided to go with a classic topic today: What I Learned On My Summer Vacation.

This was the first summer since my junior year of high school that I didn't spend working full time. I did continue working the part time job I have throughout the school year, but I finally got a much needed break. I am, unfortunately, the quintessential broke college student, so I was unable to do any traveling, but I still managed to have a great time near home, and on a budget. 

So what fun is to be had close to home with a tight budget? I'll tell you some of the things I did:

1) Spent time with family- I had lots of great bonding time with my niece and nephews, and things like taking them to the park, the mall, or swimming cost little to nothing. This is a great way to kill an afternoon and provide a little chill time for their parents. If you don't have offspring of your own, or nieces or nephews, it would probably be all the more welcome if you offered to babysit a good friend's kids for an afternoon. Kids give you an opportunity to do a lot of things you might not want to do by yourself, like go to the zoo (free in my city).

2) Found some volunteering opportunities- Bored? Get outside your bubble a bit. There are so many benefits to giving up a little of your abundant vacation free time! You can meet a whole new group of people, who are more likely to be genuine, giving and down to earth than people you'd meet pretty much anywhere else. You can support and aid a cause that is important to you, and contribute a small but crucial part to conquering a big problem. You can have an opportunity to learn new skills, like painting, organizing, food service, cooking, and hone your people-skills, learning to talk and interact with strangers who come from a different background than you.

3) Took a class- Admittedly, I took classes that were required for the degree program I am working on, but even if you've finished school, it can be a great way to continue growing and learning new things that interest you. You can take a hobby class like painting or wood-burning, or you could take a creative writing class. If you love reading but never seem to be able to make the time, a literature class at the local community college might just provide the motivation you need, or perhaps if you're on an even lower budget, you could join a local book club- or start your own!

4) Started a new fitness regime- I took a short break from my usual workout routine at the start of the summer, and then came back into it with extra motivation. This was a time when I could guiltlessly spend extra time working on my personal fitness goals- really, I had no excuse because for once I not only had the time, but I had it in abundance. Yes, I pay a monthly fee for a gym membership, but even if I didn't, I could take long walks, try out different exercise videos from the library or Movie Trading Company, or swim in my apartment pool.

5) Tuned in to local events- My city, Dallas, has a great resource; Pegasusnews.com, where I can find most of the events happening at any time on any day, and the prices are listed so I can narrow my search to only those things which are free. I use it to find local band performances to check out new talent, events like nature walks, special exhibits at the museum or botanical gardens, and occasionally, when I do feel like spending a little bit of money, I will go to a show. Personally I like comedy shows the best, and this summer I discovered a great local gem called the Pocket Sandwich Theater, where they feature Parody and Comedy plays, and the audience is provided stale popcorn to hurl at the actors whenever the fancy strikes them. I also attended this year's Taste of Dallas, which was a rather expensive ($15 at the door, $5 parking, + $1-$3 for each food item) but exceptionally fun time. I got so much free stuff at the Taste of Dallas, too, that I probably broke even on the initial charge to get in.

6) Caught up on sleep- I am being completely serious here, it makes such a difference to your health, your mood, and your life to take advantage of every opportunity to get adequate sleep. Most people don't realize, when we fail to get adequate sleep, we build a deficit. If you miss 2 hours one night, and 3 hours the next night, sleeping in an extra hour that weekend still leaves you with a 4 hour deficit. Now I'm sure the math isn't necessarily that cut and dry, but the point is, sleeping in one day a week to make up for the other 6 isn't effective. So when you have a vacation, and you make a choice to catnap and "have a lie-in", that's not laziness, it's a great choice, like choosing water over coke. It also allows your body to rejuvenate itself, making your workouts show better and more immediate results, keeping your skin healthy and youthful... Great stuff.

7) Read some books, spent time on my hobbies

8) Took time to focus on my walk with God- I went on a weekend women's retreat at the early part of the summer, where I was encouraged and given a chance to worship, had alone time for prayer, and opportunities to fellowship with other people of my faith. I will be going on another retreat for Young Singles from my church this Labor day, and at the beginning of the summer I bought and started a new devotional workbook just for myself. Now I will admit right here that I am not even halfway through that workbook, and there is still a lot of work that I need to continue to do on prioritizing time for my spiritual walk, but the summer has been a great time to reinvigorate my passion for Christ and His work in my life.

Anyway, that's how I spent my summer, hopefully it'll give some of y'all a few ideas for your own down time, whether vacations, weekends or just evenings off. One thing is for sure, I did miss writing this blog, so I hopefully won't be taking another long break like that until next summer. 

Now that I'm back, I'm looking for fresh material, so send me your questions, topics, etc at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com, or just click the "email us" link on the right hand side of this page. Thanks!