Men DECODED: Part 2~ Signs He's Just Not That Into You

Previously, we explored the treacherous world of female disinterest- for women, how to display it to thwart unwanted pursuers  and for men, how to recognize a hint when it has been dropped to save yourselves a little dignity in the midst of rejection.

Today, I'll be outlining the antithetical perspective (that means opposite, I've been studying for the GRE lately so expect a few vocabulary lessons bestrewn -sprinkled- throughout my upcoming posts), providing much needed insight for my readers of the fairer sex to know when it's time to move on from a crush, and tips for my male readers on how to let a gal down easy and hopefully avoid an awkward DTR (Defining The Relationship) talk. I encouraged my male readers to let me in on their personal methods for letting a woman know he's not interested, and a few of my friends came through for me. I will be intermingling their replies with my own observations, and yes, even a few hints that landed with me from men I was interested in in the past who successfully dropped the hint and have remained my friends afterwards.

1) If he says "You're a dear friend to me", he doesn't think of you as anything more significant than that. In his own mind, he is telling you that you are so important to him he doesn't want to risk losing you by putting your relationship in a place that may end with a breakup. Two important things to understand about this "friend-zoning". 

• Ladies- I know this is an unfair, silly idea and what is wrong with men that they don't recognize how silly it is to eliminate the best women in their lives- BELIEVE ME, I know! BUT there is NOTHING you can say or do that will make a guy change his opinions about this. ACCEPT it, and maybe someday God or his own brain will make him realize what a mistake it is to pass you up. In the meantime, MOVE ON. 
• Men- If you read the above tip and think, "that's exactly what's going on with me", I STRONGLY encourage, I Implore you to click the following link when you have 45 minutes to spare- it'll be an exceptionally wise use of your time. 

http://www.watermark.org/media/dating-on-target/2432/

• One further sidenote for my men, if you watch the video above, it will be your inclination to come up with any number of reasons why it's great advice for most people but you are the obvious exception for x, y, and z. NO YOU ARE NOT! It was WRITTEN for YOU! LISTEN to it! TALK to your friends about whether you are intentionally putting on mental earplugs to truth that you SHOULD hear because you think you are some kind of special case. In my observation, every one of the men that I spoke to who heard the message posted above told me why they consider themselves the exception to the intended audience. ALL of you can not be the exception! That's a logical fallacy! Whew, ok, getting down off my soapbox now.

*AHem* As I was saying, signs he's not interested:

2) Now this is one that a friend of mine actually said to me, I'm going to write his exact words for you verbatim  because the message was received LOUD and CLEAR and had no negative effect on my opinion of him or on our friendship: "So many girls mistake my friendliness for flirtation, or my flirtation for intention. I appreciate that you know that if I am interested in you, I will ask you out, and you don't over- analyze my flirtation if I have not actually asked you out!" Two things are happening here. First of all, he verbalized and clarified with me in the form of a compliment, giving me credit that I already knew what he was saying out loud to me, and making me feel more like he trusted me and appreciated my understanding. Second of all, he reiterated what should be a well understood fact that is evidently not well understood at all by the ladies of our generation. That is, ultimately, if he likes you, he will eventually ask you out. If he has been acting the same way with you for a long time (6+ months?) and has never asked you out, he's probably never going to. He's not into you. Move on.

3) This is another one that I'm drawing from personal experience. I was asking a friend of mine who I actually wasn't particularly interested in whether he would be going to a certain social function about a month in the future. He said "Yeah, If I go I'll probably bring a date..." And then he did not use that segue to ask me to be his date. Point Taken. If a man is talking to a woman, and he either unnecessarily confirms his plans to have a date for a particular function or comments on the need to find a date, and then does not IMMEDIATELY ask the woman he is talking to, he does not think of her in that way. He is not interested! Even if he is not intentionally using that opportunity to draw a clear line for her, if he liked you he would use that opportunity to do something about it.

4) If, in the middle of a conversation with you, a man is constantly watching his surroundings, and (especially when another woman comes in) he abruptly leaves or stops the conversation to go talk to someone else, he's not interested in you. Even some of the most ADD men have Juggernaut levels of intensity and focus when they have an opportunity to talk to the woman they wish to pursue. If there is some exceptional situation where a man HAS to interrupt you and leave, he will be apologetic and try to reestablish the conversation as soon as possible with you to make sure you know you are important. There are exceptions to this rule, but in every case, the guy is a rude jerk and you shouldn't care if he is interested.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juggernaut

5) If he EVER compares his relationship with you to that of a sibling, Move On.

6) If he talks about other women as potential prospects with you, Move On.

7) If he suggests other men you should consider dating, MOVE ON! No man will try to set up or divert the attention of the woman he is interested in. Ever.

Now that I've taught y'all how to recognize the signs that a person of the opposite sex is not interested in you and letting you know it, I'm not just going to leave you to wallow in your loneliness- That would be a pretty Jerk move on my part. Tune in to my next post to learn all about Dealing With Rejection in a healthy, productive way that can minimize your hurt. In the meantime, please send me your questions, love letters and hate-mail at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com or click the convenient "email us" link on the right-hand side of this page. Thanks!

Women DECODED: Part 2~ Signs She's Just Not That Into You

Dear Suzy,

I have a male friend I have known for a few months now. He is very friendly to everyone but the past few times I've seen him I've felt like he's been... Well... Super friendly. The hugs have gotten tighter, he sits to where he's touching me even if he has room to scooch, and he talks to me a LOT. I haven't had official confirmation of any kind but I feel as if this person is attracted to me and/or has a crush on me. I am not attracted to him through no fault of his own. How can I handle the situation and effectively friend-zone him without being mean/rude/pretentious?

Elizabeth in Longbourne

Dear Elizabeth,

I am going to take this opportunity in my reply to you, to add to my ongoing series which provides translations for both sexes to understand each other. I will write my tips as signs to the man, so they can easily identify when my female readers are giving them off. 

If you want to up your chances that the guy you're not interested in will get the hint, share this post on your Facebook and Twitter using the links below- maybe he'll read it!

Truly, the least uncomfortable rejections are those that never have to be verbalized. If the recipient can be aware enough of his (or her) surroundings to realize that his crush is not interested without forcing them to say so, it usually saves embarrassment for both!

However, it is not OK to put off these conversations in order to allow yourself to prolong false hope. If you are forever putting off asking a woman out, not only may you miss your window of opportunity, but there is a very good chance you are already picking up on one or more of the signs listed below, & however subconsciously it may be, you know that she's not interested and you are putting off her inevitable rejection. If you do not see these signs, or cannot help but believe your case is exceptional, MAN UP, muster your courage and ASK HER OUT- directly and in a way that requires a YES or a NO.

So what are the signs she's just not that into you?

• First of all, women are perceptive. We can often tell when a man we are acquainted with has developed feelings for us. If we realize or suspect that this is the case, we may change our behavior to discourage your interest. If there is a noticeable change in her comfort level with you since you started showing her special attention, this is probably a sign. Specific behaviors to consider:
• Her once full hugs have become half-hugs, her half-hugs have become high-fives or nothing at all.
• She is less available, always has a reason not to sit next to you, or avoids sitting next to you without citing a reason.

***I have heard more than one of my male friends justify when they see behavior like this from the object of their affection, convincing themselves that the woman they are "wooing" is so overwhelmed with flattery that she doesn't know how to react. It reminds me of the following scene in the book/movie Pride and Prejudice, which I will let speak for itself:

• When a woman is interested in a man, she will try to find opportunities to be around a that person. If she is even less available than usual, she is not interested. She may not have actually thought about it one way or another, but it is still a good indicator that she's not specifically attracted to you.
• If you call, text or otherwise initiate contact and she takes a long time (4+ days) to respond or does not respond at all, that's a pretty good sign she's not interested. We may not always reply super promptly, but we won't forget or ignore a man that we are interested in. However, just because she does reply promptly, that does not necessarily equate to her being interested in you- she may just be conscientious and prompt getting back with everyone who calls or texts her.
• Whenever you suggest that the two of you go do something together, she only seems interested as long as multiple other people come along (and those other people aren't couples).
• She talks about other men she is interested in in front of you. Yes, sometimes a woman will do this to appear desirable and wanted, so this is not a surefire sign, but in conjunction with other signs, this can tip the scales. Also the amount she's talking about other guys. A gal won't gush about another man in front of one she's interested in.
• She flirts with other men in front of you. See above caveat.
• She is more flirtatious with anyone other than you in the same setting.
• She is vague or noncommittal about plans when discussing them with you. For instance, you hear her talking about a party on friday night. "Oh, you're going to the party on friday, too?" She sort of pauses, or stutters, and says, "well, maaaaybe... I'm not sure. I might come, I really won't know until just before it starts..." She is making sure that if you come to the party, it's not solely on her account, and is also ensuring you don't suggest a car pool. Which leads me to my next point:
• She avoids being left alone with you, even if just for a moment at a party. It's not that she thinks you're going to attack her or something, but she may be avoiding any opening for a conversation in which you may put her in a position to have to reject you to your face. It may seem like kind of a jerk move because it may allow you to keep your hopes up longer, but honestly we really don't like to reject a man any more than he likes being rejected!
• I've mentioned this in a previous blog, but if she calls you "dude" or compares your relationship with her to that of a sibling, she is NOT INTERESTED.

My next post will be in similar form, letting my FEMALE readers know how they can tell when a MAN is not interested in them, and offering tips for my male readers on how to kindly make it clear to a woman that they are not interested in her. I ask my male readers to email me at asksuzyadvice@gmail.com and let me know, what do YOU do to let a woman know you don't think of her as anything more than a friend? Ladies, do you have any suggestions or signs that you give off that you think should be added to the list? Please post them in the comments section below!

Signature Dish

Hello, dear readers! 

The writer of the blog Sparkly In The City at sparklyinthecity.blogspot.com recently wrote a post about the advantages of having a signature dish. In short, it's a special dish that you can make easily and bring to parties, so that eventually you become known for bringing it and everyone can automatically assume you have some cooking prowess, even if in reality it is the only dish you have ever known how to make in your entire life. So my friend Sparkly asked if I would write a sister post to hers about HOW to make a signature dish. So I'll list a few tips below:

•  Think of dishes you like to eat at parties. Since this is your signature dish, and it will be at most of the parties you attend (because you're the one bringing it) it is unwise to select a base- recipe that isn't even appealing to you. 
•  Google the recipes- look at multiple dishes, and select one based on your level of cooking experience- I've been a chef for 7 years and I still wouldn't sign up to make souffle my signature dish, because the difficulty in a flawless execution is not something I want to go through before every party. 
• If you are a novice in the kitchen, read over the recipe and look for action words you don't understand. You either need to immediately google the word and figure out if it's just a pretentious word for a simple action, or move on to a recipe that you understand upon first look. 
• Short ingredient lists do not necessarily indicate simple recipes, but I do recommend them- For a signature dish, you don't want to have to restock your entire kitchen with ingredients that you don't even know how to use in any dish other than your signature. You want to keep it simple, so that you can make a 5 minute trip to the store, or always have your kitchen stocked with the ingredients, and hopefully make the dish with very little notice or forethought.
• Now, you've selected a recipe- what's so signature about a dish that you found a recipe for online? First of all, that it's homemade. You're already making something more special than any of those people who bring a 2 liter of Dr Pepper or a bag of chips. But you know I'm fixing to tell you how to make the dish truly signature- special and secret!
• My best trick for secret or signature recipes is that even if I were to take a recipe and just change or add one ingredient- I just changed the entire chemistry of the dish! You only need ONE change to make something completely different. Here are some suggestions for what you can add to make something just a little bit special:
• On a sweet signature dish, it may be as simple as sprinkling a tiny pinch of sea salt onto the top of whatever you make.
• I'm a native Texan, and we have a habit of adding Jalapeno to EVERYTHING. But, in all fairness, it always makes things taste better! There are some great seasonings out there like Jalapeno salt and Habanero salt that you can use in order to add a punch of flavor while still practicing restraint.
• Bacon. Most party-goers will enthusiastically consume things with bacon added if only to say they tried it. All the better if you succeed. I do not recommend that most new or novice chefs bother trying to add bacon to ice cream, even as a professional I have found it exceedingly difficult to avoid it turning into ice cream with bits of soggy meat. Come to think of it, you could, however, serve some fresh, crispy maple bacon bits on the side in a bowl to sprinkle on top along with nuts, cherries and whipped cream!
• For both sweet and savory (salty, meaty, hearty) dishes, add just a pinch of cinnamon, nutmeg, chili powder, ginger, clove to the recipe to change the depth of flavor. You can even play with curry or cumin if you're really adventurous, just be extremely cautious and only add a very very little bit at a time.
• You can add mint or basil to either savory or sweet dishes, but take great care in how you add it, how much you add and what flavor profiles you are adding it to. If you are unsure, allow yourself opportunity to experiment before you need to have the dish ready for others to consume, or write me specifically and let me know what the dish you want to alter is, and how you think you'd like to enhance it. I can help you individually with what you need.
• You can also take something basic and add a sauce, like a peanut butter chocolate cream pie that I made a few weeks ago- It was a pretty typical pie recipe, but I  added a sweet, grapey red wine sauce on the side for people to put on the plate with their slice, so that they got a PB&J sort of flavor profile.
• You may also be able to mix up different recipes. Again with the pie crust example, If you have a recipe that calls for a graham cracker crust, you may choose to mix it up, and make one with a different kind of cookie or cracker, like Oreos, Club crackers, Nilla Wafers, even pretzels! Though I prefer, when working with something salty like pretzels, to mix the crumbs with a sweeter cookie like the Oreos, Grahams or Nilla wafers.
• Pay attention to popular flavor pairings. If you have a great recipe for something that is heavy on caramel, you may have noticed the recent trend of adding salt to caramel desserts. You don't, however, see a lot of "sea-salted raspberries". Keep in mind what is already appealing and popular when you're messing with recipes. I'm not saying you shouldn't try a little salt on your raspberry dream bars, but I BEG you to taste and taste again before you serve it to a bunch of people and get a reputation for bad tasting food. 
• One more option is to consider taking all the elements of a classic dish and making it into a less conventional state- for instance, you may freeze your cream pie, or you may make a milkshake with all the flavors of banana pudding. You may take a popular punch or beverage and freeze it into small Popsicles- root beer float on a stick, anybody? You may even simply take the elements of a loose dessert, or one with lots of components, and make it easier to eat in a party setting. One example of this is that I once took all the components of a banana split, spooned small portions of each onto a crepe, and made little sweet dessert spring-rolls. They were cute, clever, delicious, and really very simple to make. 
• I even took that idea a little further because I froze a few of them, stuck a Popsicle stick into them, battered them in pancake batter and fried them. You can fry ANYTHING. This is not necessarily for novice cooks, though- hot oil is nothing to take lightly. Please exercise caution and obtain more experienced supervision whenever cooking with hot oil until you are comfortable and experienced in doing it without help.

I am excited to hear what signature dishes my readers can come up with! Please email me your new signature ideas, recipes, successes and disasters. If you send me photos, all the better! I hope to post a follow up blog to this in a few weeks featuring y'all's culinary adventures!